Dry January seems like a good time for this post. Anyone still on board with Dry January? I tried doing it a couple years back. I think I made it a day or two before saying “Eff this. I’m having a drink”. After that, I never thought about quitting alcohol again. I had at least one drink a day…maybe two…honestly, probably more depending on how heavy my pour was. I would sit at work thinking about what I was going to pour when I got home.
And then….I accidentally quit. Nothing happened. I didn’t have a huge epiphany. Or get a DUI. My therapist and I didn’t talk about it. I just stopped. It was around Halloween. I went a day without and then slept really well…and thought to myself…hmm…I’m going to see how long I can go without. No real goal in mind. Just an experiment really at that point. Since then I’ve had a glass of wine at Thanksgiving and a beer on Christmas…and that’s it. At Thanksgiving it was hard to stop with just one glass…at Christmas I honestly didn’t even want the beer, but we needed the bottle for a baking project and sacrifices had to be made…lol
Since then I’ve thought a lot about what my reasons are…because they were there the whole time…stewing in the back of my mind. I think it all comes down to one thing…I didn’t want alcohol to be part of my story anymore…my identity. I have been working so hard at not wearing masks all the time…being true to myself…to my heart. Alcohol was just another mask…and I finally felt like I was ready to be rid of it.
I was beginning to feel like I needed to drink to unwind…relax…be fun…smile…laugh…take the edge off…feel normal…fit in…feel something…feel nothing. The past few months I’ve realized that is all bullshit. I’ve laughed so hard with my kids that they have looked at me and said “are you sure there’s not alcohol in that?” I’ve felt more free to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I’m not limited by being “sober enough to drive”. I feel good. I’m sleeping better. I feel more ME. If there are people that I feel like I need to drink with in order to fit in or for them to like me…well, then…those aren’t my people.
I’m by no means anti-drinking. I’m not bothered by people drinking around me. I’m sure that I’ll drink again…here and there…but it will be at times of my choosing….because I WANT to…not because I feel like I NEED to. A cold beer on a hot day by a lake? Hells yeah. Bourbon by a campfire? Count me in. An old-fashioned…maybe two…on Jason’s birthday? Yup. But, for the most part, I’m good with my tonic and cranberry.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 