Alice and the Cave

***This is part 2 of Alice’s story which began here: Imagine…

Alice had barely started on her journey when she came upon a cave.  She was very frightened of caves because bats often lived inside of them…a creature she had been terrified of since she was a child.  Alice couldn’t ignore this cave though…something about it was tugging at her…like a cord to her belly button.  She HAD to stop at the cave before she could continue on her journey…even though she really, really didn’t want to.  She took a deep breath and gave herself a good talking to about how every good journey has some scary bits…and she needs to be brave on her adventure.  Then she walked to the mouth of the cave and yelled, “Hello! Is anybody in there?”  She was expecting to hear her own voice echoing back at her…and she did…but it surprised her by saying “Alice…Alice…Alice”.

Her instincts pulled her so strongly.  Can you imagine?

Alice was so startled that she sat down by the mouth of the cave…off to the side…just in case she had awoken any bats.  How could she be in the cave if she was sitting right here?  Was there someone in the cave that she knew?  She couldn’t think who it could possibly be.  Alice knew there would be no moving ahead until she solved the mystery of the cave.  She stood up…crept a little bit further into the cave…and yelled even louder, “Who are you?”  And again the answer was the same, “Alice…Alice…Alice”.

Alice was so confused.  Can you imagine?

Her fear of bats living in the cave had lessened somewhat in the face of this new conundrum….and the curiosity that flowed through Alice.  She reasoned that if there were bats in the cave they would have flown out by now, but just in case she pulled her hoodie up over her head as she walked fully into the pitch-black coolness of the cave.  The sound of her heart beating was loud in her ears…her breaths rasped in and out of her lungs…her palms were sweaty…as she faced her fear head on.

Alice needed to be so brave, all by herself.  Can you imagine?

It was so dark in the cave that at first she couldn’t see anything…not even her own hand in front of her face.  However, she could sense that she wasn’t alone.  As her eyes slowly adjusted…pupils dilated wide to take in all available light…she was able to discern figures in the dark.  As she was able to make out more and more detail she realized that they were all females of various ages.  More than that they were all the same person.  They were all her.

She found herself in the dark.  Can you imagine?

Alice was surrounded by her past selves at a variety of ages…toddler Alice, 2nd grade Alice, 10 year old Alice, etc. All of these Alice’s were sad…hurt…dejected…lonely.  Some of them had been in the cave for a very, very long time…some maybe a few months…or even a week.  When they saw her, they reached for her.  Hope sparked in their eyes as they said, “Alice you are here for us at last!  Please take us with you on your journey! We have been waiting for you for so long, but we knew you would come!”

Alice’s past selves were so happy to be seen by her.  Can you imagine?

And all at once, Alice realized where she was.  She had entered the Cave of the Unspoken.  The place where she had stored all of her hurt, pain, anger, shame, guilt over the years.  Every “bad” emotion that she didn’t know how to handle.  None of them had actually gone away.  They had just retreated into the Cave of the Unspoken and waited for her to find them again.  To rediscover the parts of herself that she had hidden away.

All of her pain was just waiting for her.  Can you imagine?

And now, as Alice stood in the Cave, she felt all of those emotions come rushing at her like a tsunami.  They were so powerful that she dropped to the floor of the cave and pulled herself into a ball.  And as she lay there…like a turtle in its shell…she took a few deep breaths and grounded herself in the present moment.  Felt the floor of the cave underneath her.  Wiggled her fingers and toes.  Opened her eyes to see the minute grains of sand and larger pebbles on the ground.  She took a pause…and then worked her hand over her heart…so she could feel the love/grief beating there.  It reminded her of her strength…her yearning for life…to be whole again…to feel unbounded joy again.  She knew that if she was going to continue on this journey, all of her Alice’s needed to come with her.

Alice was overwhelmed by all the strong emotion.  Can you imagine?

And so Alice stood up.  Felt her boots firm against the cave floor…braced herself against the storm…and reached out her hand.  One by one, the Alice’s stepped forward and touched their palms to hers.  Alice felt a brief pleasure/pain running up her arm each time…then one by one the Alice’s disappeared until she was standing in the Cave alone. Tears ran down her cheeks as she thought of how long the Alice’s had been in the Cave waiting for her. She felt remorse for hiding them away for so long, but vowed that she would give every one of them the attention that they deserved.

She welcomed all her past selves back into her body.  Can you imagine?

She stepped out of the Cave and into the light.  The sun was overwhelmingly bright in her eyes after being in the dark of the Cave for so long.  She blinked her eyes furiously as they watered and stung.  Her vision blurred.  When it finally cleared she looked up again to the mountain and renewed her dedication to her journey.  Then she looked down at her palm…the one that all the Alice’s had touched…and she realized what the pleasure/pain had been.  Every Alice had settled into her skin in the form of a tattoo.  Her arm was now etched with the outline of a beautiful phoenix.  Every feather an Alice. And she smiled as she took another step.

Can you imagine?