Christmas Morning. Got out of bed early…in the pitch black. Coffee on to brew…fed the dogs…started hashbrowns in the crockpot for brunch…Anna will be happy! Coffee in hand. Sat at my desk. Lit a candle. Dogs followed….curled up for morning naps…snoring…snoring…snoring. They know the morning drill. Ink flies from pen on journal pages. Thoughts and emotions turned into words and released.
But this morning…Christmas morning…my emotions are sticky. They demand more than a quick acknowledgement in my journal. I’m sad. I’m lonely. I miss Jason. I miss our Christmases past. The joy. The magic. The way we would work together to create a Holiday our kids loved…from the perfect gifts, thoughtfully chosen…to favorite foods…to favorite people to celebrate with. We were the perfect compliment to each other. When I got stressed…he would be right there to help me. The number of times he would say, “Ree, make a list!” and then he would be right there crossing things off.
Christmas used to be my favorite part of the year. I cherished every moment of it. Jason always had off work for the week between Christmas and New Years. We would spend so much time together. It always felt like the perfect ending of the year….stolen time…magical time. Time I can’t get back…no matter how much I want to.
So this morning…with my coffee growing cold…as the sun is just now coming up…I will give my sadness…loneliness…grief the acknowledgment and care that they need. I gaze upon the flickering flame of my candle and remind myself that Jason’s flame is not gone…just dispersed into the kids and I…and I’ll look for him there today…as I’m grateful that all three of our cubs are safe and happy…and we get to spend the day together. Christmas is forever changed…but it is still a time to be cherished. Merry Christmas!
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 