For the past four years I have marked my personal “start of the Christmas season” by going to the Empty Chair service. It’s really been the same service…the same recycled words all four years…and that’s fine…it’s not the words that I go for. Church isn’t where I find my truth…my God. I don’t need the Bible quoted at me. It’s the “pause”. This year I really, really needed that “pause”. My Mama Bear has been on the verge of frantic. All of my focus has been on Levi. My inner-self that I have been paying so much attention to and rediscovering has been neglected. My mind is working hard all the time to separate his emotions from my emotions…his situation from my situation. I’m exhausted. I really, really needed the time to pause…sit by myself…close my eyes…and come back to myself.
As I was journaling this morning I was reflecting on how this time felt different than the other times…and the word my pen wrote was “comfortable”. After I wrote it, I actually stopped…and wrote “COMFORTABLE, REALLY?????” And then I decided that really was what I meant to write. Comfortable.
You may be thinking right now “well, it’s been over 3 years Marie. A lot of time has passed”. True. Time has passed. But for me…and I would imagine other grieving people as well…time is not part of the process. The process of grieving is much more active and painful than just sitting back and waiting for time to pass and magically heal everything. The process takes time, but time is not part of the process. The process involves facing grief…acknowledging grief…feeling every single bit of the pain. Coming to terms with loss…not only of my partner in my life…but the parts of myself that were his…the parts of our lives together that are gone…relationships with other people that are gone or changed. And then rediscovering a new self…and through that process realizing that grief is love…grief will not go away…grief will always be there…grief is a new constant in my life. I will always be grieving, but I feel comfortable with that because I am not fighting it. When grief comes over me I let it wrap me up like a hug…because that’s what it really is…and when I cry I let the tears roll down my cheeks with abandon because I still feel so much love for Jason that sometimes it just overflows with no where to go…and that’s not going to change.
At the end of the service I went up to the front and lit a candle for Jason. One of the Church team came up to me and asked if she could pray with me. Her eyes were very kind and compassionate…so I said “yes”. I told her that I was there for the 4th year…and a little bit about Jason…and the kids. She did an excellent job of making me feel seen and supported as “love” rolled down my face. And I left there feeling ready for Christmas in my heart…ready to surround myself with my kids…for us to support each other and have fun together…as we have become so good at doing these past years. And Jason will be there with us too…loving every second of it.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 