Three Years

I often wish dates didn’t hold so much power over me…but they do. As much as I tell myself that today is just like any other day…it isn’t. In our culture we are taught to commemorate the “happy days”…birthdays, anniversaries, etc. The sad days in our lives…not so much. There’s not even a word to call this day…the anniversary of Jason’s death…Jason’s death day…everything sounds and feels wrong. Amongst my widow friends…we just call it “Jason’s Day”.

And just as there isn’t a word for this day…there is also no set way to spend it. Usually just by doing “whatever feels right”. Well…on this day…NOTHING feels right. It’s literally the day everything went to shit. And then there’s the balance between me doing what feels right for me as a wife mourning her husband…and also being there as a mom for our kids mourning their Dad. One of those things always takes precedence over the other…and that’s okay.

Our kids, after all, are where I see Jason alive in this world. Levi has his Dad’s capacity for loving fiercely…dedication to family…loyalty to his partner. Seth has Jason’s compassion…kindness…grace. Anna, well I’ve said it before…she has her Dad’s brain. All of the things I loved about Jason…spread out over these three humans we made together.

So, we’re going to start the day by going out to breakfast together…and then Seth is going to work because that feels right to him…maybe Levi will spend some time with Svea…and then we’ll see.

The voice inside me saying “I’m going to be okay” is quieter today…but it’s still there.