Being Okay

Last time I blogged was yesterday in the very wee hours in the morning. It was easily the 2nd worse night of my life. Things had happened that completely gutted me and decimated much of what I thought was true and still constant in my life. I couldn’t stop crying…no matter what I did…the tears just kept coming…by the time my alarm went off to get up for work I just couldn’t do it. I felt physically ill…dehydrated…had a mother of a headache…and I was still crying. I called in sick to work. I knew I needed help or I wasn’t going to be able to pull myself back up. So I asked for it…and my tribe came through for me.

Today I had therapy and she didn’t have any solutions to offer, but she did help me process all my feels…and by the time I left there I felt able to just shut my brain off about it. Folks…my brain doesn’t like to shut off…so when I am able to shut that fucker up it is like such peace.

I came home and I’m sitting…eating lunch all by myself…and suddenly I had this loud blaring thought it my head…and it was this “YOU’RE GOING TO BE OK”. Might seem simple, but I have never thought that before. People have tried to convince me and I have never believed it. It was the biggest epiphany over frozen Trader Joes pork buns ever.

I still have a ways to go before I achieve “ok” and I’m sure there will still be lots of low times…tears…hopelessness…loneliness. But I’m figuring it out…connecting with people in ways that feel real and genuine. Trying new things. Making plans that go past the next day…or week…or month. Our kids are blossoming into such awesome young adults and I’m enjoying every second of that. We are pretty tight as a family unit and we talk about their Dad all the time. He is still very much present with us every single moment. The four of us are all going to be okay.