First things first….and to start on a lighter note…today is my Bronco’s First Birthday…I guess actually her Gotcha Day because I bought her used…but her first owner way underappreciated her and traded her in after only 5,000 miles. I guess he wanted a hardtop instead…fool. We celebrated by putting the top down…taking the dogs for a walk…and going grocery shopping.
Seth was working tonight, but Anna, Levi, and I made dinner together and then played cards. Anyone who’s every played a game with Anna knows that she is super competitive. The good news is that she is learning to laugh at herself. Man, there was a lot of laughing tonight.
Now for the heavy…because holy shit this time of year weighs on my mind a lot. This time of July, 2021 is when Jason’s neuro-oncologist referred us to hospice. She had run out of treatments that she thought would work for him and really wanted him to retain what quality of life he had left without tests, pokes, and doctor appointments. His last MRI had been a disaster and he had told me in no uncertain terms that he was “done with those fucking things”.
We had two huge things we were looking forward to…one was Jason’s brother’s wedding…the other was a trip to Cincinnati for a tennis tournament. His headaches were so bad at this point I was in constant communication with his palliative care doctor trying to find the right cocktail of drugs so he could even attend the wedding. He was incredibly unsteady on his feet…had fallen in the house twice… I was still trying to work, but my days were so filled with anxiety over how he was doing at home I knew I was going to have to stop working soon. I would get him up before I left for work….make sure he had his pills and breakfast…make him a sandwich and put it in the fridge for lunch…write the schedule for the day clearly on a whiteboard so he would know what was going on. Everyday was overwhelming anxiety and stress…all while trying to put on a brave face for the kids…smile for Jason…fake that I was holding all my shit together.
One memory that I hold onto very tightly from during this time…Jason’s short-term memory was horrible at this point…and more than once we would be laying in bed at night and he would look at me and say “I can’t remember if I told you today that I love you”. What I wouldn’t give to hear that one more time. He really was the finest gem of a man…not sure how I got so lucky that he was mine.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 