2024 has been very emotional for me so far. My new job has been incredibly hard for me to adjust to. For the most part, I love the job itself. I like feeling like I am helping people. Sometimes it is very stressful, but for the most part it feels rewarding…like I did some good at the end of the day. I miss my people at Life Time though…and being around tennis. Nobody “gets me” at my new job.
I’m constantly bombarded with conversations that rip at my emotions…not that anyone is trying to be hurtful towards me; they just don’t know what I’ve been through…not that I keep it a secret. One of my coworkers asked me last Friday night if my husband minds when I work until 10:30pm. This is someone I’ve worked with for over two months now. I said “No. He passed away 2 1/2 years ago. I don’t mind working evenings because it gives me something to do”. She said “Oh. I didn’t realize that. My husband gets up at 3:30am to go to work, so he goes to bed early. He doesn’t mind when I work evenings either”. I didn’t know what to say. Did she somehow think we are the same?? And I try to excuse it by thinking…well, she probably felt awkward and didn’t know what to say…but that doesn’t help me hurt less. Another one of my coworkers described me as “edgy” because I wear Doc Martens boots, drive a Bronco, and have tattoos. I wanted to tell her I’m just trying to get some of my “badass” back…but 20 year olds don’t quite get that.
I also promised myself that I was going to get all my finances in order this year. I was working with Jae…my finance guy…two years ago…trying to get everything in my name and then doing smart finance stuff with it so I have someone watching it for me and I know what’s going on with it. Well…I was close to getting it all done and just couldn’t do it anymore. Literally, ghosted Jae and everything has been just sitting half-done since. So…I reconnected with Jae…and bless his heart…he is so awesome. All he said was “It’s great to hear from you” and he was ready to jump back in. Never made me feel guilty…totally respected that I needed time…and he has been awesome in helping me talk through decisions that are very tough to make. And my emotions are all over the place. I’ve had to think about my future…what I want that to look like…when I would ideally want to retire. Go back through old papers trying to find statements and numbers. Ran across the folder from hospice and the folder from the funeral home…that put me in a tailspin. And all of this is supposed to feel like progress….like “getting something done”…but it feels like taking an eraser to Jason and our future we had planned together. What was “ours” is now just “mine”….and that feels horrible and lonely. And I know Jason is happy that he was able to leave the kids and I “secure”…but my heart still hurts.
On a good note. I was feeling like I was having a hard time connecting with the kids with all four of us having jobs and being pulled in different directions…so I instituted Forced Fregien Family Food and Fun every Monday night. Basically the kids take turns picking the menu and helping me cook…and then we play games. It has been the best thing ever. I look forward to it every week.
On another good note. It was warm enough to put the top down on the Bronco today…best investment in my mental health ever! As my friend Terri says, “You can’t frown when the top is down”…even if you have to wear your winter cap…and stop at Caribou for a coffee to warm up!
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 