22

I forgot how noisy the house is in the winter. Like the cold makes its bones creak and rattle. And the mice rustle in the attic above my bedroom. Damn mice. Levi keeps setting traps for them in the garage. Their friends and family keep finding their way in.

I’m not sleeping again. Surprise!

Yesterday, was Baby Girl’s 22nd birthday. She’s at school of course so I texted with her in the morning. Sounded like she had fun plans lined up with her friends. I would love to go back to 22. I was married when I was 22. Crazy. We were such babies.

She sure gave Jason and I a wild ride…but I wouldn’t change her for anything. She might look like me, but her drive and her mind…the way she thinks…all her Dad.

I miss him so badly. Time healing everything and the pain lessening is all lies. I think grieving people just learn to hide their pain…push it away…and pretend to be “normal”. At least that’s what I do…every single day. Fake it. Fake it. Fake it. What is real anymore anyway?

I tried taking my wedding rings off tonight. I wear mine and his. I’ve gained weight…so mine is getting tight. Took some wiggling and pain to get it off. And then I panicked that someone would think I’m not married…and I forced it right back on my finger. I’m fine with it.

Life is so complicated…and I’m really sucking at it. I’m usually really good at relationships with people. Like I easily connect with people…I’m a good listener…all the good friend things. Now I feel like I can barely sustain my relationship with my dogs…and that’s just because dogs are awesome. It says nothing about me. Maybe my cup is just feeling so empty…or maybe I’m selfish and too wrapped up in myself…I don’t know. I just know I am overwhelmed and I feel like my grief is hurting other people…somehow…does that make sense…and I am hating that…but don’t know how to stop it. Everything hurts.

Beginning of November and the dark and cold are already getting to me. I didn’t do a damn thing outside to get ready for winter. Well…the boys did shut off the water to outside. I just can’t bring myself to care. Jason would be losing his mind…but…well…he isn’t here. Sorry Babe…I think I missed the “last nice weekend”.

Holidays are coming up and I just want to hit fast forward past them. I already told the kids “no tree this year”. I just can’t do it.

Well, there you have it…stream-of-random at 2am. I hope you’re sleeping well.