The Hole

Not sleeping again tonight. Blech. Life feels really, really dark right now. Like I was working on clawing myself out of a hole…and then somehow ended up sliding down further than I have been before…and now I’m clinging to the side of the hole…but I’m so damned tired that my whole body is shaking….and I just want a break…and to not do it anymore

But there isn’t a break from this reality. Wherever I go…whatever I do…my husband is still dead. I am still alone. I am still tired.

So how do I survive this reality? I don’t know

Midnight

Midnight
No sleep
Again

Darkness transformed
My window
Into a mirror

I gaze out into
My yard
And Grief looks back

Her hair a tangled mess
From tossing and turning
On my pillow

Her eyes dark voids
All the sparkle
Stolen

She is forced
Into hiding
During the day

But She is
Getting
Stronger

Taking control of my thoughts
Influencing my actions

When She is in control
She’s violent
And angry

Sometimes

And other times
She is terrified
And weak

She hates how
Sad
We are

She wishes she
Could rest
Inside

Never gone
Just
Peaceful

Always on my playlist…