Summer Blues

Summer is kicking my butt. That’s how I started my conversation with my therapist today. I feel exhausted. I’m worn out. I’m stressed. I’m looking back at past summers…family vacations…relaxing, idyllic days and feeling like I can never have that again. I’m envious of other families and their “plans”. My yard is a mess…my plants all dried up and dead…except for the weeds…thistles and burdock are thriving. When I go in my yard I feel overwhelmed, so I spend more and more time inside. I’ve rearranged my furniture and my houseplants…trying to feel like I’m “doing” something.

I barely got Anna home from S. Africa and I moved her into her house in Eau Claire. I celebrated my Father-in-Laws’s 80th birthday with the Fregien crew. Then have been stressed when he had an accident that resulted in a traumatic brain injury (TBI)…worry over him and not a small amount of PTSD. Spent a night in Wausau with my family…not a stress-free endeavor by any means.

Finally gave up on getting a hold of the company that installed my gutters and contacted a different company to come fix them. Money I didn’t need to spend, but the gutters are back on the house…and bonus…won’t be growing maple trees out of them anymore. And did I mention that we are switching to a new program at work? One that has less functionality than the old one…but is somehow an “upgrade”.

I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night. I’ve even given up on tossing and turning. Been getting a lot of reading done between the hours of 2am-4am ish.

All the “dates” are looming…pressing on my shoulders like a ton of frikking bricks. Why do I let “dates” get to me so much? I don’t know….but they do. Seth’s 20th birthday is this weekend…Aug 4th coming shortly after that. 2 years already…how is that possible? And how will I make it more?? I have no idea. Right now I can’t even see how I’m gong to make it through the summer.

Is this truly what life is? Just making it to the next day? Do you ever have those moments when you are looking at the ones you love and you feel complete peace? And you think to yourself “Yup. This right here is it”. I had so many of those moments. When Jason and I were together…watching our kids play…or playing with them…watching their sports…going for a walk…ANYTHING. I would just look over at him and feel such overwhelming love and peace that it would almost physically hurt. And every night go to bed with him beside me…our feet tangled together…my fingers tucked in his waist band…just to be close…and know that everything was right in the world.

And now my brain knows those days are over…but my heart doesn’t want to believe it.

And I haven’t been writing. At all. Why? Maybe because I can feel that there are so many emotions still undiscovered…too painful to delve into yet… I do know that this “quiet” isn’t good for me. I’m escaping into fiction instead of “dealing” with my reality…but you know what? I don’t care right now. I’m just trying to survive.

I have been listening to a lot of Shinedown lately… “It’s amazing what the hard times can reveal. Like who shows up, who walks away, and who’s for real”. Word. And thanks to you that always make sure “I see the daylight”.