Tag: widow

2 years. Already. Only.

I took the top all the way down on my Bronco yesterday and got myself lost for most of the day. And that was everything I needed. I blasted my music…sang along at the top of my lungs… and just did me. Went down to Red Wing. To the top of Memorial Bluff. Got out and sat there for a long time. Reminisced about the first time I was in Red Wing. It was over the winter break when Jason and I were in college. I had yet to meet his parents and I think he convinced them to let me stay for a week or two. Red Wing has changed a lot since then!

Red Wing

On the two year anniversary of your death
I find myself in the city of your birth
Called here
To the top of a bluff
Looking down at the city below
The hustle and bustle
The river in the background
The sickly sweet smell of the granary
Last time I was here was with you
It was Fall
I don’t remember looking out
All I could see was you
All I could ever see was you
Now I search for you everywhere

I wanted to just drive down the river from Red Wing…but Road Construction…so I crossed the river and drove down to Wabasha on the WI side. And then ran into lots of road construction in Downtown Wabasha. Stumbled upon Slipperys by accident…the bar/restaurant where Grumpy Old Men was filmed…and had lunch there. This was the the hardest part of my road trip…getting a table for one…and then sitting there amidst all the other families…couples…friend groups. Ugh. Teary-eyed in the bathroom before I left.

I got home about 3’oclock and realized that next time I take a topless road trip I need to apply sunscreen…ouch! I was feeling much more centered and much more able to be present for our kids. Levi and I decided to make bread pudding…Jason’s favorite dessert. We went to the grocery store together to buy the ingredients and then made it together. The four of us ordered Thai food…and played games together. There was a lot of laughter…and some tears…but having adult kids is so fun. I loved every minute. I will readily admit that I drank too many Old Fashioneds…and am feeling the effects just a bit today…but we all had a good time together and that’s what counts. Jason would have loved it…and nursed me through my hangover this morning…lol

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reach out this past week. “Hospice Week” will always be very difficult for me.

Woke up to this beauty blossoming…

Two days until two years. I’m not okay and am starting to panic. I’ve only made it two years alone and it feels like there are way too many empty years to go. 43 years old was way too young for Jason to die…and way too young to become a widow.

I’m trying to figure out who I am…again. Find some joy in life…again. I bought a Ford Bronco 10 days ago. A move some applauded, some judged, some implied I was crazy…mid-life crises…whatever…whatever. Truth of the matter is that I fell in love with driving with the wind in my hair years ago when Jason surprised me by renting a Mustang convertible when we were in California for one of his Nationals tournaments. I don’t think he even got to drive it…I was having too much fun. Convertibles in MN are not the most practical, so my dream quickly became to get a Jeep Wrangler. But then I was talking to a friend and he got me thinking about a Bronco. Levi and did research…test drove one….fell in love. Thought I was a Jeep Girl…nope…Bronco Babe. The fact of the matter is that I don’t have to defend my choice to anyone….but my Bronco helps me feel a little badass…less trampled by life…and makes me excited to get out and about. Those things are worth it to me.

I also decided to stop just thinking about taking a poetry class and actually do it. So last week I starting a 6 week long Introduction to Poetry class through The Loft. It is online every Monday from 6-8pm. I love it so much. It is a beginner class…so more talking about poetic form and structure than writing poetry…but it is exercising parts of my brain that have gone stagnant. It is so amazing to discover what really gifted poets can do with their poetry. How they can convey such emotion with such simple words. It’s very inspiring…and humbling.

I’m trying. I’m learning to be present in happy moments, even when I’m sad at my core. I was in Wausau this past weekend and had a really good time with my besties from high school and getting together with some family for my niece’s baptism. I was there. I truly enjoyed those things. And then I got home and was just DONE.

And now this week. 2 years ago this was “hospice week”. I feel like I am at war with myself. Like my mind wants to keep going back there, but my heart is in too much pain. And I just can’t deal. I tried to escape into a book tonight…and literally the first chapter of the book…the wife is by her husband’s bedside waiting for him to breathe his last breath. No. No. No.

Last night I didn’t sleep much. I think it was 2am and I was still awake…writing poetry

Without

He left me
Broke his vow
Forever

He left me
Still loved me
Couldn’t stay

He left me
Couldn’t fight it
Terminal

He left me
More each day
Unstoppable

He left me
Breath ceased
Heartbreak

He left me
Who am I?
Stranger

He left me
What remains?
Loneliness

I went hiking this morning and it was exactly what I needed.

Hiking in the Rain

I lace my boots tight
Inaugural outing

Pack loaded up
Ready to buckle on again

Butterflies in my stomach
Excitement and nervousness

What if the woods don’t feel like home anymore either?

But the trees canopy over the trail
Like a big green doorway

And the tree branches wave hello
As the wind rustles their leaves

And Mother Nature welcomes me
As my boots crunch on the trail

My whole body sighs
Tuning in and tuning out

Every exhale
Distractions fade

Every inhale
Senses sharpen

All that is important surrounds me in this moment

The birds singing to each other
Hidden in the safety of the boughs

Little frogs hop on the trail
I’m mindful of each step

A doe startles in the long grass
Flicks her tail in irritation as she bounds off

Delicate flowers blossom on trail’s edge
Small delights to the observant few

It starts to rain
I tilt my face up to the sky

Raindrops mingle with tears
The thirsty earth and I soak up the rain together

And a million eyes witness my baptism
As I spin slowly feeling reborn

This is where I belong

I’ve decided that the word I hate most in the whole English language is “just”. I hate it even more than “moist”….lol. Now the word “just” has a bunch of different definitions and can be used in a whole slew of different contexts. The one particular usage of it that I detest is one of it’s adverb forms. A quick Google search defines “just” in this form as “simply; only; no more than”.

In the past almost 23 months I have been told I “just” need to do this or that. And let me tell you…when someone is going through something big, emotional, life-altering, etc. the last thing they want to hear from anyone is “just” because it totally downplays the immensity of the situation. It makes it seem like there is a simple solution, when in reality there is often no solution.

Here are some examples of things that I have been told I should “just”.

• Be grateful for what I have
• Remember all the good times we had together
• Move on
• Trust God
• Get through today
• Look forward to all the great things our kids are going to do
• Be happy that Jason is in a better place
• Keep busy
• Try
• Reach out
• Live because Jason wouldn’t want me to be sad

I apologize for that little bit of a soapbox. Maybe it seems like it came out of left field, but it’s been stewing in my brain for awhile. Especially more now that we’re approaching two years that Jason has been gone. It’s a harsh world out there for people who are grieving…filled with judgement and “just”.

I haven’t posted a poem for awhile. I’m not one to necessarily get all excited about signs…but this cardinal spoke to me this morning.

Cardinal Love

Gazing out my window
Cup of coffee in my hand
On my desk a piece of paper
Blank-waiting for my plan

Words jumble in my head
I can’t get them to behave
And then a flash of red
A cardinal catches my gaze

He perches on the wire
Right outside my window pane
I feel like he can see ME
A moment impossible to explain

He visits just a moment
Before gliding to the feeder
I keep looking for his mate
But I don’t see her

Maybe she’s back in their love nest
Sleeping in this dreary morn
Perhaps she was awake all night
Protecting their brood from the storm

The cardinal flits away
In his clenched beak some seeds
A doting mate and loving father
His family he works to feed

And as he flies out of sight
My parting thought is this
I’m jealous of that lady bird
I blow her mate a kiss

Jason’s nephew got married on Saturday. It was the first family wedding I’ve attended since Jason died. I knew it would be hard, but it was important to me to be there with the family celebrating. I gave myself a pep talk beforehand that went something like “Marie…you will not lose your shit at the wedding” over and over again. And I was doing fine…chatting….visiting with family that came from North Dakota…dancing…only a little teary. And then reality hit me like a ton of bricks…and I was NOT fine.

The only good thing about losing my shit there was that I was with people that understood…let me have my moment…and then got me back out on the dance floor. Granted I was pretty much on the verge of tears the rest of the night, it was important to me that I be there. Love is always worth celebrating….even when it hurts.

To complete my unraveling…because why not?… I decided to really pull an “Alice” when I got home and went down the “rabbit hole”…pulling up pictures and videos from Jeremy and Cheryl’s wedding two years ago. Our last family pictures. Our last dance together. Hearing his voice. I miss him. And that’s not fixable or figureoutable.

Once Again

And I’m sitting in the corner
Vision blurred
Wishing you would walk in
Grab my hand
Pull me into your arms
For just
One more
Dance

And with my head on your shoulder
I love you’s in my ear
Swaying back and forth
The world
Would right itself
And start to make sense
Once
Again

The past week was a busy one. Levi had his last band concert on Monday evening I’m grateful to my friend Jen who always lets me sit next to her at band concerts. Ugh those things are hard for me to go to solo. Levi also played singles in sectionals this week. He lost in the second round on Wednesday. He’s been having some trouble with a pulled ab muscle so he’s going to heal that up and then he’ll be right back to training for next year. His Dad would be so proud of all the improvements he’s made to his game since last year at this time. Seth and Anna were busy working. I’m so proud of them and happy that they have jobs that they love, but the house just keeps getting quieter and quieter.

Last night my sister Elizabeth and her family came over. Hanging out with them is always relaxing. We had our first “real” fire of the year…wood burning vs gas burning…and enjoyed the always popular pizza pudgy pies and smores. My nephew is a very cerebral kid and it is always interesting hearing what he is up to. The things that come out of his mouth often crack me up.

This morning I had breakfast with my friend Vicki. I love it when our Sunday mornings work out so that we can meet. Then I found myself at loose ends…out of sorts and floundering with what to do for the rest of my day. I’ve been pondering “fine lines” a lot. The fine line between feeling relaxed and feeling bored. The fine line between freedom and loneliness. The fine line between keeping busy and avoidance. The fine line between feeling your feelings and stewing.

In two weeks I’m going to a wedding for Jason’s nephew. I decided to get out of the house today and go find a dress…and then I needed new earrings. And the whole time I’m out I’m turning “fine lines” over and over in my head. Does this happen to other people? Like, I’m out shopping and I’m not really all there. I’m up in my head thinking. Watching other people. Knowing that I am really only out because I’m bored and every other fucking thing I can think of to do I really only want to do with Jason.

So I come home. Make a little nest of everything that I would want on my deck…laptop, book, snack, remarkable tablet, headphones, phone, gin and tonic, ball thrower for the dog, etc and I write. Because frankly it’s the only thing that feels like anything when the rest of life feels like nothing. Fine lines…grief and depression…anxiety and worry…not wanting to live and wanting to die…so many fine lines.

And I Hate It

I wake up in the morning
Bleary-eyed
Blood stream screaming for
Its caffeine infusion

Stand silently on my deck sipping
Staring out at the yard
Birds sing good morning from the trees
Snacking on the seed and nuts I supplied

Steam rises enticingly from my mug
I keep sipping
Willing my cells to surrender to the sun
Shake off the sleep

As I listen to the song of the sparrows
The fountain babbles unceasingly
I tell myself that I am at peace;
But I hate it.

Driving home from work
Mask slips from my face
Smile fades
Slip into my garage spot

No spouse to greet me
Just dog kisses
Kids wanting supper
Pour a glass of wine

Sit in the yard
Toss the dog’s tennis ball
Douse the plants with water
As burgers sizzle on the grill

I tell myself I am relaxed
I’m strong and in control
The scene seems stress-free;
But I hate it.

Evening comes
Solitary hours
Outside feels easier than in
Start a fire

Watch the flames flicker
Swat the mosquitoes
Birds fly in for a few more seeds
Before they settle in silence

Night falls slowly
Stars blink into existence
Darkness blankets the yard
Sleepiness creeps in

I tell myself I love the fire
The dogs snuggled next to me
Serenity in the darkness;
But I hate it

Douse the flames
Close up the house
Slip between the sheets
Dogs cuddle at my side

I tell myself today was fine
The hole didn’t feel as heavy
The hurt so sharp inside
The loneliness so constant

But the lies are laid bare
By the tears in my eyes
The emptiness in my arms
My insides churn with grief;

And I hate it.