relationships – Love, Tennis, and Cancer

Valentine’s Day…love is in the air…especially here in MN where the weather is surprisingly “spring-like”. I am reminded of the scene at the beginning of Bambi where all the animals are “twitter-patted”. Side-note: that’s the first movie I remember seeing in the theater. One of my aunts took me and I loved it right up until the point when Bambi’s Mom is killed and then I started crying and climbed in her lap. Anyway…Valentine’s Day.

On Thursday morning, I met one of my friends for coffee before work. I love that we are both morning people and can do that every once in awhile. It’s such a good start to my day…actual human conversation. Usually I have just the dogs to talk to…or Anna…and neither one of them talk back…at least not in the mornings…lol. My friend is a chaplain and divides her week between three nursing/assisted living/memory care homes. Last week she was asking the residents to “tell me something about love”. One of the gentlemen that she was talking to in the dining room told her that he never had any luck with that and eventually gave up. Then one day he had a stroke and ended up moving in to the home where my friend works. He has been there for several years now. And then he said, “Now I know that love is always having somebody to eat a meal with”.

That simple truth resonates so strongly with me. The days when I know one of my kids will be home to eat dinner with me definitely feel better than the ones where I know I will be sitting at the table by myself. I know that we will actually have a “real meal” on those days, as opposed to when I am by myself I am often tempted to just make a frozen pizza…or like last night…chips, salsa, and a beer. I also know I will have somebody there to talk with. It’s usually the time when my kids, especially Seth, will open up about things to me. Levi shows his love by cooking those he cares about good food. Tomorrow he is having a group of his college friends over…maybe 10 of them…to make homemade gyros. Meal times…and who we choose to share them with…say a lot.

Today I don’t know what my plans are. Anna is home today, so I’m sure that we will do something together. A walk. The zoo. A plant shop. All possibilities. What I do know, is that tonight I won’t be eating dinner alone…so it already looks like a good day!

Recently, I’ve had a couple people ask me if I still write poetry. The answer is always “yes”…even if it’s just in my head….but here’s the latest that made it to paper.

Full Moon

Lie in bed
Stare across the empty
Expanse
Where you used to lay

Gaze drawn
Out the window
Full moon
Cyclops eye unblinking

Fingers reach
Grasp on to nothing
Cars keep passing
World goes on

I love to start my mornings out in my gazebo. Today is perfect for it. It’s Juneteenth so I’m off of work. The sky is clear. There’s no wind. It’s still cool enough that I popped on my fire table. The sound of water trickling in my fountain and the birds singing drown out a bit of the urban noise. The lilac tree that shelters my gazebo is blossoming. The dogs are laying peacefully by me without chasing squirrels or bunnies all crazy. If only I could train them to run in the house and refill my coffee cup for me.

My emotions and thoughts feel deep today. I’ve been thinking a lot about beginnings and endings. How life is full of them. Hell, every day has a beginning and ending. Some beginnings are the start of something we never want to end, and the end is painful and full of grief. Sometimes we can’t wait for the end, and celebrate its arrival. Sometimes we can’t wait for something to begin and can barely stand the anticipation and its arrival is marked with celebration. Sometimes beginnings feel uncertain and are marked with anxiety and trepidation. Most beginnings and endings aren’t that dramatic…they just ebb and flow with the passing of time…unmarked…unnoticed really.

Yesterday I had my third to the last visit with my therapist. Only two more weeks with her. We talked a lot about the ending of that relationship and how I feel about it. She is the one person on this earth who I can say completely knows and sees me…that I 100% trust. The only other person that I could say that about is Jason…and he died. So, it’s hard for me to keep the loss of my relationship with Tara (my paid therapist) in perspective. It feels like so much more than the loss of a business relationship.

I also am constantly reminding myself that last May, when I first walked into Tara’s office and sobbed on her couch, was also the start of a much more important relationship that will never end…my relationship with myself. She helped facilitate that…peel back a lot of layers…heal a lot of hurt…rebuild trust in myself. That was the real purpose of her time in my life.

So Monday I have a consult with a colleague of hers that she thinks will be a good fit. I’m trying really hard to be optimistic. To feel some excitement for this new beginning. But it’s hard. I told Tara yesterday that my fear is that I won’t be able to get over my weekly therapy sessions not being the same…I’ll lose my motivation for them…and I’ll just stop going. But maybe this will be a good beginning….sometimes we just don’t know.

Tag: relationships

Valentine’s Day 2026

Beginnings…and Endings