nature – Love, Tennis, and Cancer

August 4, 2026

Posted on August 4, 2026 by mfregien6c146e4539

Almost every week at therapy my therapist and I take a walk. Her office is a block away from a park that has a short, paved loop around a little pond and a playground. Many, many times this tree standing at the corner of the park would literally stop me in my tracks…one of those old, old burly trees…you could tell just by looking at it that it had seen some stuff. I commented a few times that we should bring a blanket and have therapy under the tree. Something about that tree.

Last week the tree stopped me in my tracks for a different reason. It was dead. Fallen over. Not ripped up by it’s roots…but it’s trunk had cracked through half-way up…and the whole top of the tree was lying on the ground. Branches cracked…splintered…scattered… Leaves turning brown. Orange cones placed around the grisly scene in warning.

I stopped mid-sentence and exclaimed, “No! What happened to my tree??!!” And my therapist and I walked a little closer and really took in the tree. How massive it was. The fact that the trunk was almost completely hollow. It had definitely housed some families in its time. And all I could say was “Wow. What an amazing tree”. I’m going to really miss seeing that tree every week on our walks.

As we continued on our walk my therapist said, “You know Marie. That was a good example of one of the amazing things about you. You don’t shy away and you’re not afraid to take a pause”. Why is it that all of the things my therapist says are amazing are the things about me “society” doesn’t understand? We’re never taught to take a pause…to feel our feelings…at least I never was. We’re taught to keep moving…keep busy…don’t dwell…put a smile on your face…”give” all your problems to God and don’t worry about a damn thing…medicate…fake it til you make it.

July 31, 2021 is the day Jason started actively dying. The day I heard from the hospice nurse that he only had days left. As wife…mother…caretaker…there was no pausing for me then. After he passed away on August 4…no pausing for me then. For almost three years after he passed away I tried to “do” society’s way of dealing with feelings…and that just dug me into a deep hole of depression. I was using alcohol to medicate and making really stupid decisions. Inside I was one big ball of red hot pain with no outlet. My first thought every morning was “why the fuck am I still here”…and while I had no plan in place to take myself out…it was scary to feel that I very well could in the not-so-distant future. And I was told I was doing great…I was so strong.

It was through many, many sessions on my therapist’s couch…or walking around that park trail that I learned that nobody was going to give me the “pause”…I had to take it for myself. So I do. I spend meaningful time by myself…on trips…camping…hiking..in my gazebo…early in the morning. During times of the year that feel emotionally overwhelming…I take time for a long pause. I don’t try to push my feelings under a rug and have a normal day. I take time off work. I set myself up with nature…leave time for my kids…take a break….take a breath…and let myself “be”.

Today marks 5 years since Jason died…but he’s always alive in my heart…and in our three kids I have the honor of watching grow up. They truly are his legacy in all ways….look at those little troublemakers…hard to believe they are now all adults. The way that they care for each other and for me is truly beautiful.

I haven’t shared poetry in awhile…but last night was a rough sleeping night. Here’s the product of my insomnia. I can’t remember what this form is called…basically a huge run-on sentence. The perfect form for 2am sleeplessness…


The One

The One had hazel eyes that met her brown thirty years ago living in the dorm on top of the hill trudging down to go to computer science classes for him English classes for her opposites attracting like magnets until the two became one four years later walking down the aisle making promises of infinite years together and soon they had a little one made from the two a daddy’s girl followed by another one a boy with his mama’s eyes and another one boy two perfect mix of the One and her as they became five and the One continued to look at her with love in his eyes making excuses to brush up against her in the kitchen and he played with the three in the yard teaching them to hit the ball with the racquet sharing the sport that he loved and then one night the headaches started and one day the One and her sat in chairs clasped hands between them and heard the two terrible words terminal cancer and infinity was shattered fifteen months later as she held the One’s hand and counted his breaths rattling in and out of his chest until they stopped and she was left with no One.

Cabin Adventures 2026

Posted on June 22, 2026June 22, 2026 by mfregien6c146e4539

I have been enjoying some cabin time in Minong, WI. Anna, Levi, the dogs and I drove up last Thursday. Levi drove home yesterday because he had to work today. Seth was unable to make it this year because of work. It’s hard planning family time with 3 working, adult kids! Last August we were up at this same cabin. The weather was glorious and I thoroughly enjoyed a lot of just “cabin life” spending my days on the deck by the water. However, my kids informed me that they were bored last year and wanted to venture out more this year. Luckily, by “venture out” they mean go hiking different places…something I happen to love to do as well.

Friday morning we checked out the Trego Nature Trail. It was a lovely 3 mile loop with lots of great views of the Namekegon River. We finished the hike just in time for some rain to roll in. We spent a lot of time playing games that afternoon/evening.

Saturday we headed to Superior, WI and explored the beach at Wisconsin Point Park. The dogs were in Heaven. They loved it so much. They were living their best life terrorizing sea gulls. We also revisited one of my favorite places that we went to last year…Amnicon Falls State Park. I need to go back there sometime when I am by myself and can just find a spot to sit by the river and soak it in for a bit.

Sunday we mostly hung around the cabin. We went out to get coffee in the morning and then Levi left right after lunch. Anna and I hung out in the afternoon…reading…playing games…getting the dogs out swimming.

Today Anna wanted to go to Duluth. She found a trail in Chester Park that she wanted to do. It was a great hike along a river with a few little waterfalls. Luckily, there was a local guy and his dog near the kiosk with the trail map on it who gave us great advice on the best trail to take. After the hike we went down to Canal Park and walked out to the lighthouse on the pier, strolled down the boardwalk for a bit, and then stopped and had the biggest ice cream cone I have ever experienced for lunch. It was amazing to me how little Anna remembers from all the times we had vacationed on the North Shore over the years. In fact, I was telling her that many years we would go up on Father’s Day and stay until Wednesday. She replied with, “Did we ride a train? I think I vaguely remember a train”. I just said “yes”. So odd that’s the thing she remembers!

It’s been some good, recharging time away…it’ll be hard to leave in a couple days…

More Adventures in Door County

Posted on April 25, 2026 by mfregien6c146e4539

Today had a different vibe for me than yesterday. While yesterday I was embracing my solo adventure, today at times felt…awkward…scary…uncomfortable…lonely. I started the day out with a couple lazy cups of coffee in bed. Then I decided to head to this sourdough bakery that my therapist recommended called Cultured. Delightful place out in the middle of nowhere. I got there and ordered my breakfast sandwich. And that’s when the awkward set in…very small place…not much seating…none that is great for one person. And right after I ordered a steady stream of people just kept coming in. I think the line was out the door for the rest of the time that I was there. I would’ve liked to sit and enjoy my breakfast more, but I felt like I was just taking up unnecessary space…so kind of gulped down my food and left. It was delicious…I think.

From there I headed to Peninsula State Park. They have a really cool observation tower that is accessible via steps or an awesome ramp/bridge situation….great for handicapped accessibility or strollers. Gorgeous views of Green Bay from up there.

After checking that out I decided I wanted to go on a hike. There’s a 2 mile hike called Eagle View that I decided was about the length that I wanted to do. I saw the signs for “Difficult” at the trailhead…and well…I totally ignored those babies. Feeling all badass. Whelp…guess what? The trail was difficult…more like treacherous. I really had no business hiking it solo. When I wasn’t scampering on shifting rocks on the edge of a cliff…I was navigating roots on a slope. It was one thing after another. And then I heard a noise off to my left. I paused because it was a pretty big rustle and snapping of twigs…and then I spotted it…a freaking coyote! And my imagination took off on me….it was hunting me because I was the only one stupid enough to be hiking solo…etc…etc…etc. So I’m trying to walk faster…but yet not eat shit (as Levi says) because of the terrain…planning in my head how I’m going to take the damn thing out with my purse if it attacks…letting Jason know I might be seeing him soon…all the things. I have never been happier to get back to my Bronco in my life…and I decided that I don’t need to be a badass all the time…although it was beautiful…and went right down to the water.

I was done hiking for the day after that. There’s a really nice road that winds through the park where you can pull off and get great views at a couple spots. There is also a lighthouse that you can stop and look at. I think there are tours during the season.

After all that excitement my next thought was to find somewhere for lunch and libations. I decided to check out Lautenbach’s Orchard Country right outside of Fish Creek. It had a really extensive market, but right when I was about to figure out how to order a wine flight a bachelorette party of like 20 girls walked in…and that was it for me. I bought a 4-pack that sounded intriguing to-go and left. I think the wine scene in Door County trends more towards sweet wine from what I can tell anyway. I tend to like the drier wines better.

I ended up back in Fish Creek and bellied-up to the bar in a restaurant called Hill Street. This was not the first time I have eaten in a restaurant solo, but it was the first time I have sat at the bar. It was relaxing. I didn’t feel like I was taking up unnecessary space at a table. I ordered a Bloody Mary…which was excellent…and a Spotted Cow…because…well…WI.

My last stop before heading back to my place was the bookstore so I could buy the other three books in the series I started. The owner remembered me and we chatted a little bit about the author and he recommended some others that I might like. There was another patron in there and she ended up buying the first book after I raved about it. So now I can spend a relaxing evening reading…and trying some of the wine spritzer that I bought at Lautenbach’s…

Even, though there were some times today that didn’t feel great, it was still a fantastic day. I don’t have any regrets. I pushed myself and my limits of what I believe is possible for myself…and I had fun!

St. Croix State Park

Posted on June 30, 2025 by mfregien6c146e4539

Saturday afternoon the kids and I headed to Red Wing to a Fregien Family BBQ. It was nice to see almost all of Jason’s siblings and a few other members of the family that I haven’t seen in awhile. It was a pretty short visit as everyone has lots of activities to fit into the summer weekends that never seem long enough!

From Red Wing I drove up to St. Croix State Park. I took the scenic route up the WI side of the river. It was a relaxing drive with lots of thinking time to sort out all my feels. I love getting together with Jason’s family…but it’s not without its pain points. As most things in life these days, the joy and the pain…the happy and the sad…the tears and the smiles…go hand in hand.

Camping was an adventure…like usual. St. Croix State Park is beautiful. It was an easy walk down to the river from my campsite…which I really appreciated. Nothing better than brewing a cup of coffee in the morning and then heading down to the water to sip it. I was not a huge fan of the camping there though. The sites were very open and very close together. Not ideal for this solo camper. It was also really stormy Saturday night…which freaked me out! I’m not a fan of storms when I’m in my house…let alone solo in my Bronco.

I was tired on Sunday from the lack of sleep overnight so I didn’t hike like I usually like to. Instead I explored more of the park by Bronco…got some mud on her tires on a long, windy dirt road. I found a nice little overlook that I hung out at for a little while watching a pair of swans and their babies. They were too far away to get a great picture of them. You can just spot them in this picture.

This morning I got up and decided to head home right away. I stopped at Tobie’s to get my kiddos some cinnamon and caramel rolls…and me some coffee. When I got home the dogs decided it was time for them to get a walk, so Anna and I took them to Whitetail Woods. There we saw a pair of swans with five babies! I was able to get a better picture of those! Anna was also excited because the berries along the trail were starting to get ripe 🙂

And now back to work tomorrow…before another camping trip Thursday. On Wednesday, I have my last therapy session with Tara before she moves to Eureka, Montana. It will be good to have some time to sort that out in the woods.

The Camper’s Maiden Voyage

Posted on April 28, 2025 by mfregien6c146e4539

We went on our first camping adventure this past weekend. Like all adventures…there were some parts that were awesome…and some that were not so awesome….but all of it was memorable.

Friday we learned that packing up takes longer than you think it will and also that we need to be a little more efficient in what we decide to bring along. I’m sure some tweaks will be made to our packing list every trip this summer. We also learned that Anna can back a trailer with no problem…she did it on her first try. I, however, struggle mightily and have yet to do it successfully…sigh.

I was happy with the way the camper worked out. We set it up with the table in the middle area when we arrived Friday evening and played games. Then converted it to all sleeping area for the rest of the weekend. We had plenty of sleeping space.

Saturday morning we hiked in the bluffs. It was a very physically challenging hike, but so beautiful. There were so many eagles and turkey vultures to watch. Levi thought it was great fun having me watch him climb big rocks and trees…and then have me take his picture. I told him there’s a reason there are so many turkey vultures soaring around…and that he better not hurt himself during tennis season because I don’t want to explain that to his coach!

There were a couple of spots that we could get down to the water. Anna and Levi both enjoyed trying to skip rocks…a little more challenging when all the rocks are limestone. I was having flashbacks to a family trip up to the North Shore when Levi was pretty young. Jason, Anna, and Seth spent so much time skipping rocks while I had Levi in a carrier. Anna did let me get one selfie of the three of us up in a tree by the water…

This one of the just the two of them is better…

The afternoon was a little bit frustrating. We went to the ranger station to rent a canoe and go fishing. The ranger gave us paddles and life jackets and sent us on a mile-long trek to the lake where the canoes were kept. We got there only to discover that they hadn’t actually put the canoes out yet, and that the lake was way too shallow too fish from the shoreline. So we trekked back to the ranger station…got a refund for the invisible canoe…and then headed into town for coffee.

We capped our adventure off Saturday evening with a good ole’ fashioned campfire and then had the full camping experience of packing up in the rain Sunday morning…blech. Our next adventure is in two weeks! It’s at a different park…with less hiking…but more kayaking, fishing, and biking. Can’t wait!