mental-health – Love, Tennis, and Cancer

Treehouse Getaway

Posted on February 19, 2026 by mfregien6c146e4539

I’ve been trying to pay more attention to the Universe lately. Synchronicities. Those times when the same things…same ideas…same people keep coming up over and over again. In November and December especially I was struggling being around people. Cancelling plans with friends. Just wanting to be left alone really. Even texts from friends or family “just checking in” were annoying to me. Like I wanted them to be concerned on the one hand…but then on the other I didn’t want to talk to them. Mostly, because I didn’t know what to talk about…what to say…how to describe what was wrong…other than “Jason’s not here”. And really isn’t that enough?? But then if I didn’t respond I would feel guilty…like I was hurting their feelings. So…the solution…mask UP…pretend all is well. So…big clue from the Universe number ONE.

Clue from the Universe number TWO came from my kids. As the years without Jason go on and our kids get older I have been letting them see more and more the struggle around the Holidays. How hard it is for me to “do the right thing”. In 2024, I didn’t even put a tree up. In 2025, I woke up on Thanksgiving and decided that maybe a tree would be okay. The boys were at a tennis drill that morning so it was just Anna and I. I mentioned getting the tree out and 15 minutes later she had all things Christmas dragged up from the basement. I put some things up. Some things I said “no” to. She put the tree up and got the lights on. And suddenly I was overwhelmed. I told her how I was feeling as she was opening up the box of ornaments and without question she took it back downstairs. And I realized that these years when I have been wanting to do what they expect…wanting to make the Holidays special…they have been more worried about me than anything else. We exchanged minimal gifts on Christmas Day…but one of the things that they gave me was “Travel Money”….and I burst into tears.

Around the New Year I was scrolling on Facebook and happened to see a post from a MN travel blogger that I don’t even follow…and haven’t seen anything from since…about a treehouse in Pepin, WI. Do you know what has always fascinated me? Treehouses. I mean I love trees. What could be better than actually having a house in one? I found the treehouse on AirBNB and they happened to have a random couple nights in February open. Guess what? Clue from the Universe number THREE.

So yesterday afternoon I battled some kinda crappy weather to check into my treehouse, for my much-needed solo adventure. And if I needed a clue from the Universe number FOUR that I am in the right spot…it’s the train tracks. Yeah…yeah…weird right? Most people don’t want to vacation right by train tracks…except…I do. In August, 2020 Jason and I celebrated what we were hoping wouldn’t be our last anniversary. 20 years…no small accomplishment…but also so much less than what we thought we would get together. We rented a teeny tiny cabin in Alexandria and had a fantastic time. When I think back to the last time that I can point at and remember US…just being “Ree and Jas”…it is our time in that cabin. Right by train tracks….very active train tracks…that would shake the whole cabin multiple times during the day and night. After he died in August, 2021 the place that I longed to go back to was that cabin…and I did….by myself. It’s where I was finally by myself and able to fall completely apart. So yesterday, when I got here and heard the train, and felt the slight shaking of the treehouse, all I thought was “Hi Love. I miss you”.

And man it’s hard being here by myself. It would be the perfect spot for a romantic couple’s getaway. https://www.pepinforesttreehouse.com/ …you’re welcome. I can totally imagine Jason and I in this space…and how different it would be. But then I also have to remind myself that just because it’s different now, doesn’t mean it’s bad. I love having time by myself to just be myself…find myself…figure out who I am as a person without the responsibilities of every day life on my shoulders. I have spent my day today reading, writing, playing guitar. I enjoyed the hot tub a few times. I have spent time just gazing out the window…watching the birds in the trees…and thinking.

And what I have been thinking about the most is “regret” and “guilt”. I don’t know that I have come to any profound conclusion about either of those things…other than both of them suck ass. Guilt is an emotion that comes so easily to me. It makes me sacrifice myself again and again and again for things that are not my fault and I really have no business owning. My therapist calls me on it ALL the time…sometimes multiple times a week. “That’s not yours to hold”…she says over and over. And even when I try to believe her…something in me still doesn’t. And regret…well, regret just hurts because a lot of what I regret is unfixable…unchangeable…un-do-over-againable. And I guess the answer to regret is grace…but let’s face it…grace has never been my strong suit…even with myself. I have overwhelming compassion for people until they hurt me…and then well…they’re out. Grace was all Jason. I try to play a WWJD (What Would Jason Do) scenario in my head, but honestly, in some instances I think even Jason would say “F them”. But how do I move forward from that?

But other than some “heavy” thoughts, my time here in the treehouse has been so peaceful….and exactly what I needed.

Valentine’s Day 2026

Posted on February 14, 2026 by mfregien6c146e4539

Valentine’s Day…love is in the air…especially here in MN where the weather is surprisingly “spring-like”. I am reminded of the scene at the beginning of Bambi where all the animals are “twitter-patted”. Side-note: that’s the first movie I remember seeing in the theater. One of my aunts took me and I loved it right up until the point when Bambi’s Mom is killed and then I started crying and climbed in her lap. Anyway…Valentine’s Day.

On Thursday morning, I met one of my friends for coffee before work. I love that we are both morning people and can do that every once in awhile. It’s such a good start to my day…actual human conversation. Usually I have just the dogs to talk to…or Anna…and neither one of them talk back…at least not in the mornings…lol. My friend is a chaplain and divides her week between three nursing/assisted living/memory care homes. Last week she was asking the residents to “tell me something about love”. One of the gentlemen that she was talking to in the dining room told her that he never had any luck with that and eventually gave up. Then one day he had a stroke and ended up moving in to the home where my friend works. He has been there for several years now. And then he said, “Now I know that love is always having somebody to eat a meal with”.

That simple truth resonates so strongly with me. The days when I know one of my kids will be home to eat dinner with me definitely feel better than the ones where I know I will be sitting at the table by myself. I know that we will actually have a “real meal” on those days, as opposed to when I am by myself I am often tempted to just make a frozen pizza…or like last night…chips, salsa, and a beer. I also know I will have somebody there to talk with. It’s usually the time when my kids, especially Seth, will open up about things to me. Levi shows his love by cooking those he cares about good food. Tomorrow he is having a group of his college friends over…maybe 10 of them…to make homemade gyros. Meal times…and who we choose to share them with…say a lot.

Today I don’t know what my plans are. Anna is home today, so I’m sure that we will do something together. A walk. The zoo. A plant shop. All possibilities. What I do know, is that tonight I won’t be eating dinner alone…so it already looks like a good day!

Recently, I’ve had a couple people ask me if I still write poetry. The answer is always “yes”…even if it’s just in my head….but here’s the latest that made it to paper.

Full Moon

Lie in bed
Stare across the empty
Expanse
Where you used to lay

Gaze drawn
Out the window
Full moon
Cyclops eye unblinking

Fingers reach
Grasp on to nothing
Cars keep passing
World goes on

I’m Back?!

Posted on February 13, 2026 by mfregien6c146e4539

I haven’t posted since October 8th…Jason’s birthday. The reason why I stopped is…well…complicated. This past Fall/Winter/Holiday season was mentally and emotionally tumultuous (fun…using that word…I like it). I had a perfect storm of things going on: Levi at school, a new job, navigating newer friendships, struggling with old pain-filled relationships, the Holidays, not feeling well, etc. I was trying to stay upright under a load that felt way too heavy for my shoulders, living up in my head a lot, not sleeping, haunted by feelings of guilt, feeling like I was failing my kids and my husband and myself, wondering how I was going to keep on going like this for the rest of my life. I was not in a good place, so I got quiet.

Don’t get me wrong, there were some good times thrown in there. In October, a friend and I joined a Learn to Curl league. That was super fun. You may be watching curling in the Olympics right now…it is challenging and, dare I say, kinda badass! In November, I went on a cabin trip with a friend. One of the highlights of that trip was seeing an owl on our walk back to the cabin from the bathrooms. It just sat on a branch and let us admire it. So cool! In December, I spent a night with some of Jason’s sisters. We VRBO’d a place in Hudson, WI thinking we would spend the evening exploring Downtown. The weather didn’t cooperate with that plan so we ended up staying in. It was the absolute BEST. Laughter, tears, and a fair amount of blackberry Jack Daniels. In January, the kids and I went to an escape room and out to dinner. We also spent many, many hours around the Holidays together….watching movies, playing games, laughing, sometimes crying—at least I did.

But I could feel myself….sinking, sinking, sinking. I started cancelling plans with friends because I couldn’t bear the thought of dragging myself out of the house and pretending I was fine…or attempting to even talk about what was happening with me. My writing dried up for awhile. I felt like I had nothing to say of value. That people were probably sick of listening to me whine. I felt like I was becoming so careful in my words on my blog because I didn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, that my voice had become muted. My writing wasn’t helping me process anymore, it had just become another place where I wasn’t good enough. The dark and cold of winter kept me in my house and out of the healing arms of Nature. I was spending a lot of time scrolling, scrolling, scrolling on my phone and soon I was adding the fear and pain of ICE-terrorized Minneapolis on my shoulders.

I felt like I was living my life in…what I call…”the spins”…where I can’t get my brain to shut off and it obsesses over the same things over and over again…spinning them around and around and around and around…looking at them from different angles…trying to fix them through various scenarios. My brain filling in the missing pieces of the situation…like what other people are thinking or feeling…until the story in my head is complete…but probably not completely accurate. And then I become “untethered” and lose my grip on reality because I’m living like the story is true…completely ignoring the fact that parts of it are completely made up by my brain. This is not a new thing for me, I just used to have a live-in reality check.

And here’s where I, once again, stress the importance of having a good therapist. My hours with her were spent unraveling “the spins”…verbalizing hurt that goes back years in many cases…examining motivations behind things I keep on doing that are detrimental to my mental and emotional health. She kept asking “why” and I kept saying…because my kids…because Jason would want…because it feels selfish not to…because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings… And finally, she looked at me and said, “If you are doing things that cause you pain and don’t fill your cup in some way, you need to give yourself permission to stop doing them. That is called self-care, not being selfish”.

We also talked a lot about my Mama Bear and how hard it is to have adult children. She makes choices that sacrifice her own well-being time and time again because she thinks what she is doing is for the good of her kids. She wants to growl and snap at anyone who she thinks might pose a danger to them. In her mind, they have gone through enough pain and loss in their lives and must be protected from further trauma. She failed at protecting them before, and she will not fail them again. All well and good when her children were, well, children…but now they are adults…and she is learning to stand by and pace while they make their own choices. This is especially hard when it concerns relationships with other people. When she’s standing at the door as they leave saying, “Have a good time!” while in her mind she is sharpening her claws.

And we talked a lot about Jason. When he was sick we spoke very little about what would happen after he was gone. People sometimes ask me if he “gave me permission” to find someone else. It was never even a topic of conversation. I think because the idea of someone else for either of us is just inconceivable. I still feel married–still wear my rings and don’t see a time when I would change my mind about that. We didn’t talk about finances at all. I had no idea if the kids and I would be okay or if we would be living in a van down by the river. I remember trying to bring it up with him a few times but he was unable to wrap his brain around that conversation, so I pushed that stress aside as much as I could. He also didn’t seem to be at all concerned about how the kids and I would survive without him. I remember breaking down about that on more than one occasion and his confidence that I could do it, with the help of our support system, was unflappable.

And then he died. I still have a husband, he just isn’t here. We’re not living in a van down by the river. The kids are doing awesome…and I’m, well, I’m not awesome, but as I told my sister the other day “my life doesn’t feel like total shit right now, so I guess that’s good”. I’ve been working on self-care a lot….turns out it involves way more than taking a bath and lighting a candle. I went to the doctor for the first time in 18 years. Found out that I will ugly cry at the littlest thing in the doctor’s office, so that was real fun. But I managed to get a clean bill of health and even had my first mammogram. My body didn’t know what to do with all that attention…lol. I started walking on my treadmill and eating healthier. I’ve been writing most mornings again. I needed something to fill my evenings, so I started playing guitar. Which I absolutely love. I’m so excited to be able to take my guitar with me wherever I go…guitar by the campfire is in my future for sure.

And I look at my life…and the lives of our kids…and sometimes it is hard not to feel guilt over the pieces of it that I know are not what Jason was confident they would be…but I also know that my happiness and the happiness of our children are always the most important things to him. And then I feel PROUD. And it feels weird to say that. I used to think that the past 4 years has changed me as a person so completely that I would wonder if I was even somebody Jason could love anymore. I’m starting to realize that the core he fell in love with has stayed the same…some aspects of ME are just more accentuated…or more muted. I think that what has changed drastically is my worldview and the ways I choose to interact with that world and the people in it. And I think that links to the self-care I was talking about earlier. My peace, my joy, my happiness, my sense of self-worth, my confidence, my purpose are all very, very hard-fought. I fight a battle daily for each one of those things…some days I’m more successful than others. And there’s nobody here to protect them…except for me.

And now I’m going to wrap up this obscenely long blog post that took me all week to write. Take care of yourselves!

Fear and Love

Posted on August 1, 2025 by mfregien6c146e4539

I am an introvert. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like people…or don’t enjoy being around them. It just means that when I need to recharge…recenter…fill up my cup…I need time by myself. It also means that when I am out and about I don’t usually strike up conversations with random strangers. I will be polite…say hi…maybe a little “ope…let me get past ya” if the situation warrants it, this is MN after all…but that’s it. One of my closest friends is an extrovert. She will strike up conversation with literally anybody…a lady running a booth at the farmer’s market…a shop owner…or like yesterday afternoon, some random dude on the patio at Caribou. Granted…this time he approached us first…but where I would have been “no, I am not the person you are looking for” and done my best Jedi mind trick to get him moving on his way, my friend proceeded to carry on a conversation with random dude. The meeting of two extroverts…worst nightmare for an onlooking introvert like me, who is really just feeling resentful of random dude for butting in on her time with her friend.

And why even bring it up? Because now it’s almost 2am…I’m obviously not sleeping…and instead I’m thinking about the random Caribou conversation which happened to be about religion. Random dude thought he recognized us from Church…my friend, who has her doctorate in apologetics, said “no, but I do preach two Sundays a month at a different church”…yada yada. I tuned out until I heard my friend say something about love and fear…that according to the Bible, love is the opposite of fear. And that is what had me digging through my closet looking for my Bible…1 John 4: 18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love cast out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love”.

Love and fear as opposite sides of a spectrum has never occurred to me, but my mind is busy turning that around and around and making sense of that in my reality right now. Not that I claim that Jason and I had “perfect love”…I’m sure that the “Godly” people reading this are shouting at me that perfect love can only come from God…but we had “perfect for us” love. And in that love, I had zero fear. That love was my rock. After Jason died, fear started to take over and 4 years later continues to wreak havoc in my life. Fear tells me lies all the time…that I am unlovable…that I am worthless…that I am unworthy…that I only cause pain to those around me…on and on. And thankfully I do have more and more people in my life, like my extroverted friend, who call me on that bullshit.

Hopefully, sleep will be in the cards for me now. Probably shouldn’t have had the XL iced tea at 5pm…

Beginnings…and Endings

Posted on June 19, 2025 by mfregien6c146e4539

I love to start my mornings out in my gazebo. Today is perfect for it. It’s Juneteenth so I’m off of work. The sky is clear. There’s no wind. It’s still cool enough that I popped on my fire table. The sound of water trickling in my fountain and the birds singing drown out a bit of the urban noise. The lilac tree that shelters my gazebo is blossoming. The dogs are laying peacefully by me without chasing squirrels or bunnies all crazy. If only I could train them to run in the house and refill my coffee cup for me.

My emotions and thoughts feel deep today. I’ve been thinking a lot about beginnings and endings. How life is full of them. Hell, every day has a beginning and ending. Some beginnings are the start of something we never want to end, and the end is painful and full of grief. Sometimes we can’t wait for the end, and celebrate its arrival. Sometimes we can’t wait for something to begin and can barely stand the anticipation and its arrival is marked with celebration. Sometimes beginnings feel uncertain and are marked with anxiety and trepidation. Most beginnings and endings aren’t that dramatic…they just ebb and flow with the passing of time…unmarked…unnoticed really.

Yesterday I had my third to the last visit with my therapist. Only two more weeks with her. We talked a lot about the ending of that relationship and how I feel about it. She is the one person on this earth who I can say completely knows and sees me…that I 100% trust. The only other person that I could say that about is Jason…and he died. So, it’s hard for me to keep the loss of my relationship with Tara (my paid therapist) in perspective. It feels like so much more than the loss of a business relationship.

I also am constantly reminding myself that last May, when I first walked into Tara’s office and sobbed on her couch, was also the start of a much more important relationship that will never end…my relationship with myself. She helped facilitate that…peel back a lot of layers…heal a lot of hurt…rebuild trust in myself. That was the real purpose of her time in my life.

So Monday I have a consult with a colleague of hers that she thinks will be a good fit. I’m trying really hard to be optimistic. To feel some excitement for this new beginning. But it’s hard. I told Tara yesterday that my fear is that I won’t be able to get over my weekly therapy sessions not being the same…I’ll lose my motivation for them…and I’ll just stop going. But maybe this will be a good beginning….sometimes we just don’t know.

Spring Sucks

Posted on April 4, 2025 by mfregien6c146e4539

The past few weeks…maybe month…have been hard for me. I tried to ignore it at first…maybe didn’t even realize the truth myself. I pretended everything was fine. I faked it…until I was in such a deep hole I couldn’t fake it anymore….and pulling myself out seemed like an insurmountable task.

I stopped getting out of bed early and writing in the mornings…instead I was waiting until the last possible second to get up…even though I love my quiet mornings. I started having a glass or two of wine every evening…even though I had gone 5 months without drinking and felt so much better. My excitement for future plans completely vanished…even though I just bought a new camper and the kids and I have several camping weekends booked for the summer. I stopped enjoying my time by myself…only feeling happy when I was spending time with my kids.

Maybe I would have realized my steady mental decline sooner…or avoided it all together…if it also didn’t coincide with my therapist being on vacation for 3 weeks…maybe not. In any case, by the time I saw my therapist on Wednesday I had “gone quiet inside”. That might seem like a strange way to put it…but when the voices in my head go silent I know that I’m in trouble.

I kind of realized what was getting to me before I sat down on my therapist’s couch…but not the complete extent of it…until I was ugly crying 5 minutes into my appointment. This time of year reminds me of when Jason was first diagnosed…5 years ago now. Even though I have been seeing my therapist for almost a year we have never talked much about the 15 months that Jason was sick. We’ve talked about life before that…and life after he died…but those 15 months have been behind a pretty thick wall in my brain. One that I will peek over briefly…before making a hasty retreat.

My therapist tells me this is progress…that it’s actually a good thing. That this dip in my mental state is a signal that it’s time to talk about 5 years ago…time to bring that pain and those feelings to the surface. And as much as I know she’s right. That the past year has taught me to trust her and that nothing good ever comes from burying pain…I really, really don’t want to go there. But I sobbed my way through therapy…disjointed…probably jumping all over the place. Who knows if I even made sense. I left feeling like I had been hit by a truck. I stumbled my way through my day yesterday. And I decided to take a mental health day today because my therapist told me to be gentle and good to myself…so Dr’s orders right?

I am working on being good to myself…giving myself some grace. Last night I got a haircut. This morning I took care of a couple things that need to be done during the workweek…went to the DMV (anyone else procrastinate on getting a real ID?) and to pick out new eyeglasses. It felt good to cross those things off my to-do list. I took the dogs for a walk. Then I packed up my laptop and my headphones and took myself to the coffee shop. I just love sitting in the coffee shop bopping my head to music only I can hear…writing about a world only I see in my head…all while catching glimpses of the relationships playing out around me. Writer Marie is in her happy place here.

Do I feel better? A bit…but I think mostly because I don’t feel discouraged about this “slump” anymore. It sucks to feel this way, but I know that I’m doing all the right things to find my center again…and that I will find my center again. Pain will always be there…hitting me when I am least expecting it…sometimes forcing me to feel it when I don’t want to…but I’ll be okay. The voices in my head always come back…sometimes they whisper…sometimes they shout…on good days they sing.