Tag: grief

For the past four years I have marked my personal “start of the Christmas season” by going to the Empty Chair service. It’s really been the same service…the same recycled words all four years…and that’s fine…it’s not the words that I go for. Church isn’t where I find my truth…my God. I don’t need the Bible quoted at me. It’s the “pause”. This year I really, really needed that “pause”. My Mama Bear has been on the verge of frantic. All of my focus has been on Levi. My inner-self that I have been paying so much attention to and rediscovering has been neglected. My mind is working hard all the time to separate his emotions from my emotions…his situation from my situation. I’m exhausted. I really, really needed the time to pause…sit by myself…close my eyes…and come back to myself.

As I was journaling this morning I was reflecting on how this time felt different than the other times…and the word my pen wrote was “comfortable”. After I wrote it, I actually stopped…and wrote “COMFORTABLE, REALLY?????” And then I decided that really was what I meant to write. Comfortable.

You may be thinking right now “well, it’s been over 3 years Marie. A lot of time has passed”. True. Time has passed. But for me…and I would imagine other grieving people as well…time is not part of the process. The process of grieving is much more active and painful than just sitting back and waiting for time to pass and magically heal everything. The process takes time, but time is not part of the process. The process involves facing grief…acknowledging grief…feeling every single bit of the pain. Coming to terms with loss…not only of my partner in my life…but the parts of myself that were his…the parts of our lives together that are gone…relationships with other people that are gone or changed. And then rediscovering a new self…and through that process realizing that grief is love…grief will not go away…grief will always be there…grief is a new constant in my life. I will always be grieving, but I feel comfortable with that because I am not fighting it. When grief comes over me I let it wrap me up like a hug…because that’s what it really is…and when I cry I let the tears roll down my cheeks with abandon because I still feel so much love for Jason that sometimes it just overflows with no where to go…and that’s not going to change.

At the end of the service I went up to the front and lit a candle for Jason. One of the Church team came up to me and asked if she could pray with me. Her eyes were very kind and compassionate…so I said “yes”. I told her that I was there for the 4th year…and a little bit about Jason…and the kids. She did an excellent job of making me feel seen and supported as “love” rolled down my face. And I left there feeling ready for Christmas in my heart…ready to surround myself with my kids…for us to support each other and have fun together…as we have become so good at doing these past years. And Jason will be there with us too…loving every second of it.

Last Wednesday I sat down in my therapist’s office and said, “I’m actually feeling pretty good! I even managed to string a few good days in a row!” And then Levi’s girlfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with him that afternoon…

Thursday morning I wrote an SOS email to my therapist…”Help! Mama Bear is pacing and huffing. She’s wants to throw her cub up into a nice safe tree and maul somebody”. We talk about my Mama Bear a lot in therapy…so this wasn’t unusual. I went in for an extra therapy session last Friday and got Levi set up with one of my therapist’s colleagues for this week.

I realized as I was talking to my therapist on Friday…trying to get Mama Bear to “stand down” a little bit…that my emotions were so roiling and heightened because my mind wasn’t in the present moment anymore. Seeing my cub in that much pain and feeling helpless to do anything to take it away took me right back in my head to Jason dying. And then my brain was starting to make connections between the two in my head and I was reliving my own initial pain of losing Jason and imagining how Levi was feeling…and let’s just say that Mama Bear was ready to eff somebody up.

Gratefully, my therapist was able to help me talk through all that…help me separate the two events in my head…get Mama Bear to at least breathe and put all 4 of her paws on the ground. She is still on high alert though. It’s hard for her to focus on anything except for the well-being of her cub. If you have a Mama Bear inside, you know what I’m talking about.

I am extremely proud of Levi though. He is really good at seeking out support…either from me…or other people he trusts (shout out to the LT Tennis Desk ladies)…when he needs to talk. While everything sucks right now, I have no doubt that he is going to come out of this experience just fine…and have that much more knowledge about love and relationships to take with him. It’s gonna take awhile for Mama Bear to rest easy though.

On Friday, I was sitting at work…talking to my coworker. As most December conversations go…it was all about getting ready for the holidays. I told her that I hadn’t gotten any of my Christmas stuff out…and really didn’t have the motivation to…but that I was thinking I needed to do a little “something” to try to feel festive. And then I had her rolling in her chair when I said, “I don’t want to go all gung ho…just like…halfway ho”. So “halfway ho” has become my goal for the holiday…and if I overshoot it…well, that’s fine too…but we’re going to start small.

So this weekend I did my best. Yesterday, Anna and I strung lights out on the deck, and I found a little baby poinsettia for my desk. Then she had her Holiday Concert for the community band she is in. I invited a friend to go with me…and it was spectacular…both the company and the music. The band is made up of musicians of all ages….super impressive…all just brought together by their love of music and the desire to keep playing their whole lives. Super inspiring. I will admit that I was grateful that 911 did not have to be called as a couple of the guys had to be 80’s-ish.

All the kids were home for dinner last night…and I called a family meeting to talk about Christmas. I have this thing where I stress out over events because I imagine the kids to have much more expectations than they actually usually do. I just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page. And pretty much a successful Christmas for them revolves around food…and playing games. We set aside next Sunday for baking some Christmas cookies and came up with a food plan for Christmas Eve (fondue) and Christmas Day (brunch). All the traditional foods will be prepared…which for us means…overnight French Toast…monkey bread…Danish rolls…cheesy hashbrowns. There was talk of throwing cinnamon rolls in there too…I might need someone to roll me in to work the next day.

So Operation Halfway-Ho is well underway. I woke up this morning feeling good about it. My kids are awesome and thankfully at ages where they step up and help out. From lights on the deck to cinnamon rolls….it’s much more doable and fun with their help.

Yesterday, I sat down in my therapist’s office…on the edge of the couch…leaning forward. I was in full-on fight or flight mode…either ready to rumble or head for the hills. She asked me what was up and I said “I just want to fast-forward past the holidays and land in mid-January”…and I started rambling about every relationship/situation/holiday stressor my head had been trying to figure out. I didn’t get very far in my ramble before she stopped me…told me to shake my whole body out…find my space with my head above my heart…breathe…and listen…not to my head…but to my heart. Once I was able to do that…and it did take awhile…my heart told me quite clearly what to do. I don’t know about you…but the feeling that I get when I make a decision that is right with my heart is incomparable…it is complete peace.

But why is it is hard? It’s because my brain gets in the way and tangles everything up…every single time. My brain is always looking to the outside…seeing everyone else in the scenario…trying and trying and trying…to find perfect solutions…to make sure everyone else gets what they need…that nobody else’s feelings are hurt. My brain puts everyone’s feelings on my shoulders…makes them my responsibility. I become paralyzed with anxiety…unable to make any decision…fight or flight kicks in.

My heart helps me separate the “me problems” from the “them problems”. It helps me realize that sometimes there is not a perfect solution to a situation, but there is always a right solution. And as long as I am doing what feels right in my heart, any hurt feelings other people have is a “them problem”…because my heart isn’t going to let me ruthlessly hurt people that I care about…not if I’m really listening to it.

Now the trick is to be able to make heart-made decisions at home by myself and not just on my therapist’s couch!

One of my first therapy appointments…a whole six months ago now…we talked about SHOULDS. I remember walking into her office. Feeling overwhelmed. Like the whole weight of the world was on my shoulders. It wasn’t an unusual day. This was pretty much just “life” for me at that point. And I started talking about how overwhelmed I was and she dragged out her whiteboard and started writing down all the SHOULDS coming out of my mouth. And it was a lot–probably close to 50. Things I thought I SHOULD do. Things friends or family told me I SHOULD do. Things society told me I SHOULD do. We started going through that list and changed the really essential things to MUST do…and narrowed my To-Do list down to like 5.

The truth is that SHOULDS are rarely useful. They are usually some sort of action being prescribed upon your life by someone/something that is deluded enough to imagine they know your life better than you. And that probably sounds harsh…but in my experience it is very true. SHOULDS usually come right before unsolicited advice….which is annoying at the very least…and often infuriating. I try so hard to not say SHOULD to other people…and it is really hard sometimes!

So since that day I have tried to be very careful about the SHOULDS because I’ve noticed that usually when I start feeling overwhelmed it’s because my SHOULDS are building up. This time of year especially I need to give myself a SHOULDS check. I SHOULD pick my leaves up off my yard….but I don’t…nature can take care of herself just fine. I SHOULD buy my kids Christmas gifts, but it stresses me out coming up with ideas and they like picking out their own things…so I give them a dollar amount and let them spend it as they wish. I SHOULD decorate for Christmas, but nobody in my house cares if we have a tree up so I’m not going to deal with it. Crossing SHOULDS off my list is freeing and it gives me more energy and headspace to deal with the MUSTS.

The ups and downs suck. Two weekends ago I was alone in a cabin in the woods feeling wonderful…discovering things about myself…at peace and happy. I came home and went to my weekly therapy session and I was on cloud nine. Life was feeling hopeful. And since then…well…ha…sat down with my therapist this past week and raged and cried. She assured me it was normal…lots of layers to healing…and part of healing is uncovering hurts and angers that maybe I didn’t have the strength or capacity to deal with when they happened…and now that I’m healing they are resurfacing. I told her “Great. I’m an onion. I even make myself cry”.

So today, I’m just going to embrace my onion-ness. Stay away from people so I don’t make anyone else cry.