Tag: grief

Buffalo

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Woke up this morning with the best kinds of souvenirs from a really awesome day yesterday…sore muscles…sunburn…and “Shots” by LMFAO in my head. You’d think I had been at a college party…nope…just out for a day in Buffalo, MN with my friend Olivia.

Several weeks ago we had marked the day off on our calendars. As it got closer I asked her what she wanted to do…thinking we would plan it together. She assured me that she had it all planned out and wanted to surprise me…and I very willingly trusted her and rolled with it. I knew that we have very similar adventuring tastes and that no matter where we ended up or what we did that it would be amazing. Having my day planned out for me also was a huge treat.

We started the day at Buffalo Books and Coffee. This place was perfect. I honestly could’ve spent hours there. Indie bookstore that serves an amazing selection of lattes…plus has outdoor patio seating overlooking the lake…heaven. I would drive an hour for that any day. I also learned about the .5 setting on my phone camera. Have no idea what that does, but let’s me fit more in my pictures.

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We wandered around downtown Buffalo. Lots of cute little eclectic shops…plants and music in one store…never saw that before, but why not!? A farmer’s market where they were selling lots of yummy things that looked like they would be a major health risk if we let them sit in a hot car all day to get them home. Olivia got complimented on her shorts in the same breath she was asked if she got them at Walmart. All in all we got a sampling of the local vibe.

Then we headed to our next destination which was kayak rentals at Griffin Park. This is where the sore muscles and the sunburn come in….and a major feeling of badassery and accomplishment. We had the kayaks for 4 hours so we decided to go around the lake. It started out great. Leisurely paddle next to each other…chatting and looking at all the rather impressive lakeshore homes. Some of them I would love to just live in the boathouse! We saw a few loons…which I love! There were pelicans flying overhead…enormous birds. A blue heron was fishing in a little inlet.

And then….we hit the far side of the lake…the wind blew in…it got super choppy…I had a slight moment where I got hung up on some underwater debris…and my kayak took on quite a bit of water…my boat was riding so low in the water…my arms were burning from digging so deep with the paddle just to go anywhere. We got out of the worst of it and decided to stop on shore and dump the water out.

The whole shore is filled with houses, so no matter where we stop we are essentially on someone’s property, but we decided to pull in at this stretch of shore next to this dock where there were a few college-aged kids hanging out. So we paddle in and this one kid asks us what’s going on. We tell him we’re just stopping to dump the water out of our kayaks and then we’ll be on our way…to which he replies “Oh. I thought you had to pee” (?!) and walks away. Luckily, his buddy was brought up right and realized that his momma would’ve wanted him to help us out.

We start paddling on our way again. We’re going against the wind, so the paddling is a little tougher…but we’re on the homestretch. And then we realize dark clouds are starting to roll in…we hear some thunder…and start paddling like the dickens because we really don’t want to be caught in a storm in a kayak out on the lake. Luckily, the storm never materialized and we made it back to the park safely. As we were giving our life jackets and paddles back to the kids working the rental booth we discovered that most people don’t go around the whole lake. They just do the leisurely paddle we started out with. Did I mention that we are badass?

Next stop was Buffalo Nickel…an antique store that is in a barn. Super amusing to look through. The few things that I would’ve purchased were more than I wanted to spend on them, but Olivia was reunited with one of her favorite books from her childhood…and we got to meet some super cute doodles that were doing an awesome job of helping behind the counter.

Our artistic sides were challenged next. We went to Artistic Me and decided to make fused glass trays. Yesterday, we glued all the little bits of glass on…then we left them there to be fired (fused). Neither one of us are super artistic, so we both decided to go more abstract instead of trying to make it look like something. I think we were both feeling all right about our art until one of the women who works there…maybe she was even the owner?…walked by our table and commented that she had “no idea how THAT will look”. Apparently she didn’t get the memo that generally you should make people feel awesome about what they are attempting to create. I still think they are going to look fantastic when they are done.

By this time the coffee had long since worn off so we ended our day at Norm’s Wayside. Almost walked out of Norm’s when Norm’s political affiliations were so proudly displayed….but “Shots” was playing on the jukebox so we decided to stay. Easily demolished the best reuben I have ever had. I don’t approve of all of Norm’s choices, but his food was on point.

Buffalo, MN you were a treat. Looking forward to visiting you again.

Beginnings…and Endings

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I love to start my mornings out in my gazebo. Today is perfect for it. It’s Juneteenth so I’m off of work. The sky is clear. There’s no wind. It’s still cool enough that I popped on my fire table. The sound of water trickling in my fountain and the birds singing drown out a bit of the urban noise. The lilac tree that shelters my gazebo is blossoming. The dogs are laying peacefully by me without chasing squirrels or bunnies all crazy. If only I could train them to run in the house and refill my coffee cup for me.

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My emotions and thoughts feel deep today. I’ve been thinking a lot about beginnings and endings. How life is full of them. Hell, every day has a beginning and ending. Some beginnings are the start of something we never want to end, and the end is painful and full of grief. Sometimes we can’t wait for the end, and celebrate its arrival. Sometimes we can’t wait for something to begin and can barely stand the anticipation and its arrival is marked with celebration. Sometimes beginnings feel uncertain and are marked with anxiety and trepidation. Most beginnings and endings aren’t that dramatic…they just ebb and flow with the passing of time…unmarked…unnoticed really.

Yesterday I had my third to the last visit with my therapist. Only two more weeks with her. We talked a lot about the ending of that relationship and how I feel about it. She is the one person on this earth who I can say completely knows and sees me…that I 100% trust. The only other person that I could say that about is Jason…and he died. So, it’s hard for me to keep the loss of my relationship with Tara (my paid therapist) in perspective. It feels like so much more than the loss of a business relationship.

I also am constantly reminding myself that last May, when I first walked into Tara’s office and sobbed on her couch, was also the start of a much more important relationship that will never end…my relationship with myself. She helped facilitate that…peel back a lot of layers…heal a lot of hurt…rebuild trust in myself. That was the real purpose of her time in my life.

So Monday I have a consult with a colleague of hers that she thinks will be a good fit. I’m trying really hard to be optimistic. To feel some excitement for this new beginning. But it’s hard. I told Tara yesterday that my fear is that I won’t be able to get over my weekly therapy sessions not being the same…I’ll lose my motivation for them…and I’ll just stop going. But maybe this will be a good beginning….sometimes we just don’t know.

Feeling Sad

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I’m sitting on my deck tonight trying to process my day. My therapist told me today that she’s moving to Montana in July. Anyone who has had any sort of conversation with me can guess that I am absolutely devastated. For the past year Tara has been pivotal in my life. I met her when I was at the bottom of a deep, dark hole. She would be quick to tell you that she didn’t pull me up….that I did that all on my own…but she was the one that helped me see that I could…that I was worthy of the sunlight on my face.

And now…I feel blindsided. I’m trying to keep my Abandonment Issues at bay. But it’s hard. It feels like yet another person in my life who is leaving me…and I’m kind of pissed off about it.

But….I’m also happy for her and want her to do the best thing for herself and her family. And I trust that she will leave me in good hands with one of her colleagues. But dammit…it feels like starting over. Again. And I will miss HER.

On a positive note, I got to hang out with a great friend tonight and listen to Baby Girl and the South of the River Community Band.

Levi’s Graduation Day

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Levi graduated from high school today. I am so proud of him. This kid went from hating school his Freshman and Sophomore years to discovering PSEO his Junior and Senior years. The change from regular high school classes and sitting in class all day long to taking classes at the local community college was the best thing for him. He started caring about his classes. His grades went up as did his sense of responsibility. His personal growth was phenomenal. Instead of just scraping by with passing grades, he graduated Cum Laude and was accepted into the College of Science and Engineering at the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities where he will attend in the Fall. And even better, all of the community college class credits not only counted towards high school, but will count towards college as well so he can start his college career as a Junior. Smart kid. I am bursting with pride…and I know his Dad is as well.

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I’m sad that his Dad couldn’t be at his graduation, as he was at Anna and Seth’s. Last week, Levi brought home his cap and gown. He tried them on and hung up his gown so it wouldn’t be wrinkled. Then I took his cap and said “Here…your Dad can hold that for you”. Even though Jason couldn’t be there, he’s in our hearts all the time and I know he is so proud of our baby too.

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Thank You Eastview Tennis

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Levi played his last high school tennis match yesterday. Another ending with complicated emotions. First of all, shear pride. Levi has grown so much as both a young man and as a tennis player in the 6 years he played varsity. He went from reluctantly playing doubles to earning his spot in the singles ranks…where he played #1 for his Junior and Senior years. He’s gone from just wanting to pound the fuzz off of every single ball and having zero patience to having a well-developed game, with well-thought out points, and a variety of weapons in his arsenal….other than the flat forehand with minimal net clearance and a slim margin for error. Hard-work and coach Kris at Life Time were hugely instrumental in that! The past couple of years he was a captain. A role he truly shone at….organizing captain’s practices…assisting with line-ups…collecting dues…supporting his teammates.

My second big emotion is gratitude. The Eastview tennis community has been a huge part of our lives for many, many years. Jason organized the EVAA summer program…Anna, Seth, and Levi have all coached in it. Jeff, the head coach, has been a consistent male figure…especially in my boys’ lives…for years. He gave them the support, opportunity, and encouragement to grow into the fine young men they are today. He coached the boys to play with integrity, humility, and good sportsmanship.

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Tennis always feels like one of my biggest links to Jason. Since he died, I have been uncertain about millions of decisions that I have had to make without his input. The ones where the answer was “Tennis” those I’m certain of. Yesterday, when I was watching Levi play his heart out I knew that Jason was right there with me…beaming with pride. Levi has a lot of the same passion for playing tennis that Jason had. Even though his high school tennis career is over, I have no doubt that he will continue playing. He is going to the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities in the Fall and is planning on playing Club Tennis there. He has already assured me that I can come watch him “anytime”. Tennis will continue to bring us together and continue to bring good people into our lives. I have zero doubt about that.

So this morning, I’m going to sit in my happy place and take a moment to say goodbye to this era. To feel all the emotions I have about it…as they all deserve to be felt…knowing that all endings, no matter how hard they are, are also the beginning of something else.

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Bronco Camping

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Mother’s Day morning. I’m on my way back home after spending the weekend on a solo camping trip. I was too nervous to take the camper by myself yet…so I made myself a nice bed in my Bronco and away we went. I didn’t want to let my anxiety hold me back from what I wanted to do….so I made it work!

I pulled into camp right around 6:00 on Friday evening. I was giddy to discover that I could see the lake through the trees right from my campsite.

Being near water instantly lifts my stress. It’s like a balm for my soul.

Saturday morning I was up and about early and headed out for a hike. It was glorious. I didn’t encounter a single person, but saw so many birds…many of them I couldn’t even identify. I stopped for quite awhile and watched this pair of trumpeter swans.

The rest of the day I relaxed at my campsite. I was in a quiet loop with lots of empty sites around me. I took a nap in my camp chair. Did some writing. Enjoyed a campfire. Did a lot of thinking. And picked off ticks….so many ticks.

One of the things I thought about yesterday was getting comfortable doing the things by myself that “nobody” else does alone. Like camping. I got an array of responses from people when I told them my plans. Most of them were along the lines of “that sounds (fun/brave/awesome) but I would never do that”. Truthfully, I wouldn’t have either before now. Even eating at restaurants. Right now I’m at Tobie’s eating breakfast….only one by myself. There are a lot of mixed feelings…wishing Jason were here beside me…but also feeling powerful and badass in my developing ability to give myself what I need.

Time to get back on the road to my kids! Happy Mother’s Day!

The Camper’s Maiden Voyage

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We went on our first camping adventure this past weekend. Like all adventures…there were some parts that were awesome…and some that were not so awesome….but all of it was memorable.

Friday we learned that packing up takes longer than you think it will and also that we need to be a little more efficient in what we decide to bring along. I’m sure some tweaks will be made to our packing list every trip this summer. We also learned that Anna can back a trailer with no problem…she did it on her first try. I, however, struggle mightily and have yet to do it successfully…sigh.

I was happy with the way the camper worked out. We set it up with the table in the middle area when we arrived Friday evening and played games. Then converted it to all sleeping area for the rest of the weekend. We had plenty of sleeping space.

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Saturday morning we hiked in the bluffs. It was a very physically challenging hike, but so beautiful. There were so many eagles and turkey vultures to watch. Levi thought it was great fun having me watch him climb big rocks and trees…and then have me take his picture. I told him there’s a reason there are so many turkey vultures soaring around…and that he better not hurt himself during tennis season because I don’t want to explain that to his coach!

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There were a couple of spots that we could get down to the water. Anna and Levi both enjoyed trying to skip rocks…a little more challenging when all the rocks are limestone. I was having flashbacks to a family trip up to the North Shore when Levi was pretty young. Jason, Anna, and Seth spent so much time skipping rocks while I had Levi in a carrier. Anna did let me get one selfie of the three of us up in a tree by the water…

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This one of the just the two of them is better…

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The afternoon was a little bit frustrating. We went to the ranger station to rent a canoe and go fishing. The ranger gave us paddles and life jackets and sent us on a mile-long trek to the lake where the canoes were kept. We got there only to discover that they hadn’t actually put the canoes out yet, and that the lake was way too shallow too fish from the shoreline. So we trekked back to the ranger station…got a refund for the invisible canoe…and then headed into town for coffee.

We capped our adventure off Saturday evening with a good ole’ fashioned campfire and then had the full camping experience of packing up in the rain Sunday morning…blech. Our next adventure is in two weeks! It’s at a different park…with less hiking…but more kayaking, fishing, and biking. Can’t wait!

Monday…Monday…

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This weekend was about nurturing…reflection…and doing things that feed my spirit. I went on long walks with friends…spent time with family…put the top down…opened my gazebo for the season…took a nap in the sunshine…had a fire, cooked, and ate outside…planned a cabin vacation. I also did the more mundane things…grocery shopped…picked up poop in the yard…cleaned the house…did laundry. And through it all my mind was busy…voices whispering in my head…remembering…processing…trying to make sense of the world, complicated relationships…wondering what it all means.

And now I’m back to Monday.

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Spring Sucks

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The past few weeks…maybe month…have been hard for me. I tried to ignore it at first…maybe didn’t even realize the truth myself. I pretended everything was fine. I faked it…until I was in such a deep hole I couldn’t fake it anymore….and pulling myself out seemed like an insurmountable task.

I stopped getting out of bed early and writing in the mornings…instead I was waiting until the last possible second to get up…even though I love my quiet mornings. I started having a glass or two of wine every evening…even though I had gone 5 months without drinking and felt so much better. My excitement for future plans completely vanished…even though I just bought a new camper and the kids and I have several camping weekends booked for the summer. I stopped enjoying my time by myself…only feeling happy when I was spending time with my kids.

Maybe I would have realized my steady mental decline sooner…or avoided it all together…if it also didn’t coincide with my therapist being on vacation for 3 weeks…maybe not. In any case, by the time I saw my therapist on Wednesday I had “gone quiet inside”. That might seem like a strange way to put it…but when the voices in my head go silent I know that I’m in trouble.

I kind of realized what was getting to me before I sat down on my therapist’s couch…but not the complete extent of it…until I was ugly crying 5 minutes into my appointment. This time of year reminds me of when Jason was first diagnosed…5 years ago now. Even though I have been seeing my therapist for almost a year we have never talked much about the 15 months that Jason was sick. We’ve talked about life before that…and life after he died…but those 15 months have been behind a pretty thick wall in my brain. One that I will peek over briefly…before making a hasty retreat.

My therapist tells me this is progress…that it’s actually a good thing. That this dip in my mental state is a signal that it’s time to talk about 5 years ago…time to bring that pain and those feelings to the surface. And as much as I know she’s right. That the past year has taught me to trust her and that nothing good ever comes from burying pain…I really, really don’t want to go there. But I sobbed my way through therapy…disjointed…probably jumping all over the place. Who knows if I even made sense. I left feeling like I had been hit by a truck. I stumbled my way through my day yesterday. And I decided to take a mental health day today because my therapist told me to be gentle and good to myself…so Dr’s orders right?

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I am working on being good to myself…giving myself some grace. Last night I got a haircut. This morning I took care of a couple things that need to be done during the workweek…went to the DMV (anyone else procrastinate on getting a real ID?) and to pick out new eyeglasses. It felt good to cross those things off my to-do list. I took the dogs for a walk. Then I packed up my laptop and my headphones and took myself to the coffee shop. I just love sitting in the coffee shop bopping my head to music only I can hear…writing about a world only I see in my head…all while catching glimpses of the relationships playing out around me. Writer Marie is in her happy place here.

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Do I feel better? A bit…but I think mostly because I don’t feel discouraged about this “slump” anymore. It sucks to feel this way, but I know that I’m doing all the right things to find my center again…and that I will find my center again. Pain will always be there…hitting me when I am least expecting it…sometimes forcing me to feel it when I don’t want to…but I’ll be okay. The voices in my head always come back…sometimes they whisper…sometimes they shout…on good days they sing.

Reconciling the And

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I rearrange the furniture in our bedroom a lot. Since Jason’s died I’ve moved things around probably 10 times. It’s something that I do when I feel restless…or hopeless…or stuck…or trying to work something out in my head…or bored…or…well, you get the idea. I guess it’s my way of taking control of something…seeing things from a different perspective…finding myself…claiming my space. I have a complicated emotional relationship with our house that I’m not going to get into…but our bedroom and my gazebo outside are my two spots where I spend my time.

Wednesday night I rearranged again…not everything…just my plant/books/desk corner. Over the winter I had moved my desk so that I couldn’t see out the windows, and now, with Spring coming I decided I wanted to be able to see out again. So now I’m sitting at my desk…watching the sun shine down on the snow…in a few days it will be as if it never existed…when just a few days ago the snow controlled our lives. Funny how something loses it’s power so quickly….forgotten once it’s gone.

The kids and I have had a lot of really great things going on. The kids are all in really good spots right now. I look at them and am so proud of them. I love spending time with them and talking with them about the things that make them “tick”. I’ve been doing well. I’ve been trying new things….like curling…which was awesome fun and I think will be my new winter sport.

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I bought a small camper and am looking forward to spending lots of time amongst the trees. Seth and I have a trip to Miami coming up in two weeks to watch the Miami Open. Anna, Levi, and I have a trip out West coming up in August. I’m also wanting to get out to Charlotte and Portland. For the first time in…well…5 years…I feel like I have things that I am excited about and really looking forward to.

AND….it’s the AND that has me sitting at my desk…feeling sad about ephemeral snow…listening to my “Jason” playlist…staring at pictures of us. I’m feeling more and more peace in the present…excitement for the future…AND I miss the past. It feels like those feelings shouldn’t be able to exist in tandem, but they so do….happy and sad…grief and anticipation…peace and restlessness. I feel like I’ve been told so many times that I will eventually “get over” my grief and “move on”. That’s just not how it works. It’s more like a moving with grief. Grief is a part of me now…in my core…part of my identity. It colors the way I live everyday…the way I see the world around me…and the truth is that I accept that. I think that me denying that would mean that I reject the strength of Jason’s love in my life…even now…and it’s power to live on through the kids and I. So, I’m glad that I have an AND because it means that I am looking forward to the future AND that the love story in my past lives on.