Tag: gliosarcoma

I need to clean my closet today. I am sitting at my desk…staring into the open door and dreading it with every fiber of my being. But it’s out of control…the whole floor covered. I can barely reach my clothes. One day I’m going to reach for a shirt…lose my balance…and fall into the abyss of “shit I didn’t know what to do with so I stuffed it in my closet”. And I know a lot of it just needs to go into the trash. Why do we keep the things that we keep? Hold on to the “stuff”…as if it is holding on to a life…a time past…

Some of it is Jason’s. Tennis trophies that I really should’ve thrown away after I used them on the tables at his funeral luncheon…but instead three boxes of them went into my closet. His dress clothes. Boxes of childhood memorabilia that his parents recently gave me. His tennis bag…untouched since he last used it. Same with his work backpack. All of that stuff isn’t him. His legacy isn’t in the suit he wore to his brother’s wedding or his letter jacket or even his tennis racquet. His legacy is in his kids and the countless other lives he touched…by sharing his passion for tennis…by being a scout leader…by helping coach baseball…by always being a compassionate voice to ANY human being…by being a son…a brother…an uncle…a husband. It was never about the stuff. That being said. I’m keeping his tennis racquet…ha!

Equally, it’s my stuff though. Medals and bibs from back in my running days. Knitting projects that I am never going to finish. Clothes I am not going to wear again…same with shoes. Bags and purses….how do women accumulate so many? Things that used to bring me joy…but now are reminders of painful times or relationships…stuffed in my closet…out of sight. I need to do some Marie Kondo (is that right?)…only keep the things that bring me joy. And think about what my legacy is. And what is legacy anyway? Such a big, important-sounding word. All things to think about…while cleaning a closet…because I get philosophical about everything…but I kind of like that about myself…that I’m a deep thinker. And now I’m procrastinating…about walking through that door…but walking through a door is never just walking through a door is it?

I spent this past weekend on a solo glamping adventure. My heart was telling me I needed to get out in Nature…not just for a hike for an hour…but to immerse myself for awhile. So I rented a Postcard Cabin up North. Think of a campground loop, but instead of empty pads for a camper or tent each spot has a tiny cabin.

In this picture I’m standing in the doorway to the bathroom (toilet and shower). The kitchen area is to the right (stove, small fridge, sink) and the the door to outside is on my left.

The whole place has a “nature retreat” vibe. It isn’t noisy like your traditional campground. There aren’t a lot of kids running around. It’s peaceful. There’s a short nature trail on site that leads to this beautiful spot.

It is also very close to Banning State Park. If you haven’t been to Banning, I highly recommend it. So beautiful. The day that I was there was cold and a little bit drizzly. I felt like I had the whole place to myself. The landscape is made up of huge rocks…lots of them covered by moss…and of course leaves fallen from the trees. Exploring this park solo was a bit of a test of my grit…because it was not without danger. The rocks were slippery…the trail was uncertain…I was by myself. But I was there to experience Nature…to really get out into it. I refused to allow myself to let where I was at be “good enough”. So I clambered and climbed…and slid down a few spots on my ass, just because that felt safer. At one point I could hear Jason’s voice in my head saying “Oh Babe…be careful. What are you doing?” and I muttered out loud “Shut up and help me figure out where to put my foot” and I swear I felt him tug on the back of my overalls.

And in-between the life-threatening bits…when I was just walking in the woods…I reflected. First of all, if you have never taken a completely solo hike in the woods I highly recommend it. I’ve walked in the woods before, but I’ve always had either another person with me, or the dogs, or both…and that’s awesome, but this…this was life-altering for me. There were several times when the world just “clicked” into place for me. When I slowed down, or even stopped and just really looked around me. There weren’t questions that needed answering anymore because questions just ceased to exist. There was only Truth.

And so for the three days that I was gone. I hiked…alone…but never felt lonely. I took the days at my pace. Waking up early…lying in bed in the darkness with the stars out the window right next to me. Making a cup of tea and walking down by the river. Reflecting…and writing…always writing. At the bench by the river. At a rock by the waterfall. Under a pine tree. By the fire. In my cabin. And it was perfect.

Now I’m back in the real world, but I feel like I’m holding a bit of the Truth inside me…nurturing it…and when I need to be reminded…to be refilled because the world has beaten me down…I know where to go.

Self-love is not coming easy to me today. I woke up at 2am with a stomach bug. Tried to convince myself I was fine this morning…walked into work…and then walked back out 5 minutes later when my coworkers shooed me home. It’s a good thing that I don’t get sick very often because I don’t do it well…especially now. I get sad…I get depressed. I start to feel very lonely and sorry for myself.

I came home and crawled back into bed. The dogs were more than happy to cuddle back up with me…especially since it was raining outside. I gave myself a talking to about “self-love” and taking care of myself when I’m not feeling well. Made sure I had some water to sip on. Dozed on and off. Finished the last chapter of a book I had been reading.

Not too much later Baby Girl got out of bed. When I told her I wasn’t feeling well do you know what the first thing she said to me was? “Would you like me to run to Caribou and get you some coffee since you don’t feel good?” And me, the emotional being that I am, got all teary. At first I said “no” because I wasn’t sure how my stomach was feeling about coffee…but then I changed my mind because I knew she really wanted to do something to make me feel better…and it’s COFFEE…I’m no fool.

I spent the day going back and forth from my bed to my desk. I am completely enamored with my desk these days. Everything in my desk space is very deliberately placed…plants…colorful pens…journals…books…coaster for my tea or coffee…Jason’s quilt to wrap up in. It’s my “no bullshit” space. When I sit at my desk I commit myself to the truth. To putting away whatever mask I may’ve felt like I had to wear that day.

My desk is my space for true self-expression. Every morning, I wake up…feed the dogs…pour myself a cup of self-love coffee…and sit at my desk…and write. 3 pages…every morning…no cheating. Whatever is on my mind or in my heart…or as what happens a lot…things I didn’t even know were on my mind or in my heart until the pen touched the paper. Even if you’re not a “writer” per say I would encourage you to try it…just once. Sit and write until you fill up three pages. When I first started doing this my pages would be filled up with “I don’t know what to write next”….”My hand is cramping”….”Am I done yet”. Now, most mornings, three pages fly by…and my days feel a lot more focused.

I started doing this after my therapist mentioned “The Artist’s Way” to me in one of our sessions. Me…being me…someone mentions a book to me I’m gonna go buy it that same day. I’m so glad that I did. I went from not wanting to get out of bed in the mornings and feeling scattered throughout my day–to looking forward to getting out of bed…with my self-love coffee…and feeling more focused and centered. I will say that if you decide to try it I highly recommend buying some fun pens that are easy to write with…it helps!

I’ve been kind of quiet this week…mainly doing a lot of processing in my head of frustrating feelings that don’t seem to make sense. Major anxiety…restlessness…really teary…a lot of the “I’m tired and don’t want to do this anymore”. But why?? It’s been a good week!

And that right there is the “problem”. I don’t trust it. I’m on high alert waiting for something bad to happen and take away my happy. I don’t trust my happy feelings because I’ve been faking being okay and being fine for so many years…I don’t know what’s real anymore…so I overthink it…analyze every nuance of it. And it’s fucking exhausting and frustrating as hell.

I talked about this a lot with my therapist yesterday. Apparently it is a pretty common defense mechanism in people who have gone through significant trauma in their lives…so I guess I’m “normal”…ha! The world (people in general) hasn’t…for the most part…given me any feeling of safety and security in the past few years…so as I’m trying to venture out more and more…all of my defense mechanisms are kicking in…even when I’m really okay. She said the key is to keep grounding myself in feelings that I do trust…and for me those are pretty simple things…the sound of water…the sun on my face…trail under my feet…wind in my hair…my kids…my tribe

I’m spending my weekend at a cabin on a lake…so hopefully I’ll be able to get lots of those grounding moments in. I feel a huge need to sit in a patch of sunlight and gaze at the water. Listen to the birds and the water lapping at the shore.

Yesterday went nothing like I envisioned it. The kids and I went out to breakfast with my BIL and SIL…and then…as we were leaving the restaurant…Anna and Levi decided that it would be the perfect day to CLEAN THE GARAGE?! WHAT???!!!! At that point Seth decided that he had made the perfect decision by deciding to work yesterday…lol.

That was not at all what I felt like doing either…I was hoping to be able to slip away for a bit with the top down…can’t really leave the kids working by themselves though…and the lawn really needed to be mowed. So I gassed up the mower…slipped my headphones on…and did all my processing by myself while attacking the lawn. With all the sweat dripping down my face…no one could tell there were tears mixed in…it worked pretty well.

By the time I had the lawn mowed, the kids needed my input on what to do with a few things. We finished up the project together…and were all exhausted.

Maybe this is the way we spend “Jason’s Day” from now on…family project. I think he would like that.

Thank you to everyone who kept us… and our family and friends who are grieving Jason… in your thoughts yesterday. It was appreciated.

I often wish dates didn’t hold so much power over me…but they do. As much as I tell myself that today is just like any other day…it isn’t. In our culture we are taught to commemorate the “happy days”…birthdays, anniversaries, etc. The sad days in our lives…not so much. There’s not even a word to call this day…the anniversary of Jason’s death…Jason’s death day…everything sounds and feels wrong. Amongst my widow friends…we just call it “Jason’s Day”.

And just as there isn’t a word for this day…there is also no set way to spend it. Usually just by doing “whatever feels right”. Well…on this day…NOTHING feels right. It’s literally the day everything went to shit. And then there’s the balance between me doing what feels right for me as a wife mourning her husband…and also being there as a mom for our kids mourning their Dad. One of those things always takes precedence over the other…and that’s okay.

Our kids, after all, are where I see Jason alive in this world. Levi has his Dad’s capacity for loving fiercely…dedication to family…loyalty to his partner. Seth has Jason’s compassion…kindness…grace. Anna, well I’ve said it before…she has her Dad’s brain. All of the things I loved about Jason…spread out over these three humans we made together.

So, we’re going to start the day by going out to breakfast together…and then Seth is going to work because that feels right to him…maybe Levi will spend some time with Svea…and then we’ll see.

The voice inside me saying “I’m going to be okay” is quieter today…but it’s still there.

I feel fragile today. I worked last night…and it was a rough one…super busy…lots of really sick people…transfers to the hospital…and then tech issues on top of that. I woke up this morning with a nagging headache…probably from the tears I can feel right behind my eyes. I’ve been trying to psych myself up all morning….but I think it’s just going to be one of those self-care type days. Have some grace with myself…take it easy…don’t let my mind wander to tomorrow while it’s still today.

Maybe it’s time to load up my “gazebo tray” with all my gazebo essentials…notebook, pens, beverage, book, knitting project…and head out to my spot.

I love Thursdays because they are therapy day. That sounds really strange to say, but it’s true. When I think back to the end of May….of where I was mentally and emotionally when I first started seeing my therapist…I am literally scared for my life. And I don’t ever want to feel like that again. I’m grateful to the friend who texted me the link to this therapist…twice…and nudged me hard to make an appointment.

Therapy hurts…it’s painful…it’s hard work…but my therapist has shown me time and time again that she’s never going to take me to a painful place and abandon me there. She is always right there with me and brings me back to safety…makes sure I’m on even ground before saying “good bye” for the week.

I’ve had people ask me what my therapist does or what she says or suggests about particular situations. The truth is she doesn’t suggest anything…doesn’t give any advice…or minimal advice if I specifically ask for it. Bottom line…she listens while I talk. The past couple weeks we’ve been doing this technique called “brain spotting”. You can Google it if you want to read more about it, but it’s basically finding the eye position that helps unlock feelings about a particular trauma….then talking those feelings out so completely that the trauma relinquishes it’s hold…at least that’s how it feels to me. My therapist is there to guide me…brings me around to the feelings she wants me to explore deeper…but the rest is all me and my brain doing the work. It feels pretty magical. I’m not a person that likes massages…but it’s what I imagine a good massage would feel like…but for the brain.

Today, I don’t want to think about hospice anymore…so I’m going to focus on this picture from Aug, 2020 instead 🙂

Sometimes I feel like my subconscious brain is out to sabotage me….like during the night it pulls forward all of the things that I don’t really want to think about so that “bam!” there they are waiting for me the second I open up my eyes. Not surprisingly given this time of year…this morning it was hospice days waiting for me. I don’t want to think about those days…much less talk about them…write about them…begin to process them… Those days are the ultimate knot of mixed up raw emotion…and that knot has only gotten more complicated as time has gone on. I’m not going to begin to try to unravel that by myself right now…but I am hoping that by letting my brain acknowledge it we can put it aside for a bit (until therapy tomorrow!) and live in this day.

On this day…July 31, 2024…I have a lot to look forward to. One of them being a trip to Glacier National Park in August, 2025 with Anna, Levi, and Svea. Every time I see pictures of this gorgeous landscape my heart literally skips a beat. I’m reminded of when Jason and I went to Rocky Mountain National Park in Colorado about 14ish years ago. I tried to convince Jason then that we should move to be closer to the mountains…but he nixed that idea….wanting to stay close to family…which of course I understood. There’s just something about the mountains though!

We were originally thinking we would stay in a lodge inside of the park, but after looking at the room options…two double beds is the biggest…we decided to VRBO a place instead. We’re still close to the park, but now will have a kitchen, laundry, and everyone will have their own bed! It took a lot of stress about the trip off my plate to get that booked. I know I say it all the time…but Anna’s brain is so like her Dad…she knows the things that stress me out and actually likes to do what needs to be done to take that stress away. She had so many tabs open on her browser last night it was giving me anxiety….but it was so reminiscent of her Dad.

Now to pick myself up and move in this day where one of my friends is going to teach me the art of thrifting before I go to work. Should be fun!