Tag: gliosarcoma

Yesterday, I sat down in my therapist’s office…on the edge of the couch…leaning forward. I was in full-on fight or flight mode…either ready to rumble or head for the hills. She asked me what was up and I said “I just want to fast-forward past the holidays and land in mid-January”…and I started rambling about every relationship/situation/holiday stressor my head had been trying to figure out. I didn’t get very far in my ramble before she stopped me…told me to shake my whole body out…find my space with my head above my heart…breathe…and listen…not to my head…but to my heart. Once I was able to do that…and it did take awhile…my heart told me quite clearly what to do. I don’t know about you…but the feeling that I get when I make a decision that is right with my heart is incomparable…it is complete peace.

But why is it is hard? It’s because my brain gets in the way and tangles everything up…every single time. My brain is always looking to the outside…seeing everyone else in the scenario…trying and trying and trying…to find perfect solutions…to make sure everyone else gets what they need…that nobody else’s feelings are hurt. My brain puts everyone’s feelings on my shoulders…makes them my responsibility. I become paralyzed with anxiety…unable to make any decision…fight or flight kicks in.

My heart helps me separate the “me problems” from the “them problems”. It helps me realize that sometimes there is not a perfect solution to a situation, but there is always a right solution. And as long as I am doing what feels right in my heart, any hurt feelings other people have is a “them problem”…because my heart isn’t going to let me ruthlessly hurt people that I care about…not if I’m really listening to it.

Now the trick is to be able to make heart-made decisions at home by myself and not just on my therapist’s couch!

One of my first therapy appointments…a whole six months ago now…we talked about SHOULDS. I remember walking into her office. Feeling overwhelmed. Like the whole weight of the world was on my shoulders. It wasn’t an unusual day. This was pretty much just “life” for me at that point. And I started talking about how overwhelmed I was and she dragged out her whiteboard and started writing down all the SHOULDS coming out of my mouth. And it was a lot–probably close to 50. Things I thought I SHOULD do. Things friends or family told me I SHOULD do. Things society told me I SHOULD do. We started going through that list and changed the really essential things to MUST do…and narrowed my To-Do list down to like 5.

The truth is that SHOULDS are rarely useful. They are usually some sort of action being prescribed upon your life by someone/something that is deluded enough to imagine they know your life better than you. And that probably sounds harsh…but in my experience it is very true. SHOULDS usually come right before unsolicited advice….which is annoying at the very least…and often infuriating. I try so hard to not say SHOULD to other people…and it is really hard sometimes!

So since that day I have tried to be very careful about the SHOULDS because I’ve noticed that usually when I start feeling overwhelmed it’s because my SHOULDS are building up. This time of year especially I need to give myself a SHOULDS check. I SHOULD pick my leaves up off my yard….but I don’t…nature can take care of herself just fine. I SHOULD buy my kids Christmas gifts, but it stresses me out coming up with ideas and they like picking out their own things…so I give them a dollar amount and let them spend it as they wish. I SHOULD decorate for Christmas, but nobody in my house cares if we have a tree up so I’m not going to deal with it. Crossing SHOULDS off my list is freeing and it gives me more energy and headspace to deal with the MUSTS.

The ups and downs suck. Two weekends ago I was alone in a cabin in the woods feeling wonderful…discovering things about myself…at peace and happy. I came home and went to my weekly therapy session and I was on cloud nine. Life was feeling hopeful. And since then…well…ha…sat down with my therapist this past week and raged and cried. She assured me it was normal…lots of layers to healing…and part of healing is uncovering hurts and angers that maybe I didn’t have the strength or capacity to deal with when they happened…and now that I’m healing they are resurfacing. I told her “Great. I’m an onion. I even make myself cry”.

So today, I’m just going to embrace my onion-ness. Stay away from people so I don’t make anyone else cry.

I need to clean my closet today. I am sitting at my desk…staring into the open door and dreading it with every fiber of my being. But it’s out of control…the whole floor covered. I can barely reach my clothes. One day I’m going to reach for a shirt…lose my balance…and fall into the abyss of “shit I didn’t know what to do with so I stuffed it in my closet”. And I know a lot of it just needs to go into the trash. Why do we keep the things that we keep? Hold on to the “stuff”…as if it is holding on to a life…a time past…

Some of it is Jason’s. Tennis trophies that I really should’ve thrown away after I used them on the tables at his funeral luncheon…but instead three boxes of them went into my closet. His dress clothes. Boxes of childhood memorabilia that his parents recently gave me. His tennis bag…untouched since he last used it. Same with his work backpack. All of that stuff isn’t him. His legacy isn’t in the suit he wore to his brother’s wedding or his letter jacket or even his tennis racquet. His legacy is in his kids and the countless other lives he touched…by sharing his passion for tennis…by being a scout leader…by helping coach baseball…by always being a compassionate voice to ANY human being…by being a son…a brother…an uncle…a husband. It was never about the stuff. That being said. I’m keeping his tennis racquet…ha!

Equally, it’s my stuff though. Medals and bibs from back in my running days. Knitting projects that I am never going to finish. Clothes I am not going to wear again…same with shoes. Bags and purses….how do women accumulate so many? Things that used to bring me joy…but now are reminders of painful times or relationships…stuffed in my closet…out of sight. I need to do some Marie Kondo (is that right?)…only keep the things that bring me joy. And think about what my legacy is. And what is legacy anyway? Such a big, important-sounding word. All things to think about…while cleaning a closet…because I get philosophical about everything…but I kind of like that about myself…that I’m a deep thinker. And now I’m procrastinating…about walking through that door…but walking through a door is never just walking through a door is it?

I spent this past weekend on a solo glamping adventure. My heart was telling me I needed to get out in Nature…not just for a hike for an hour…but to immerse myself for awhile. So I rented a Postcard Cabin up North. Think of a campground loop, but instead of empty pads for a camper or tent each spot has a tiny cabin.

In this picture I’m standing in the doorway to the bathroom (toilet and shower). The kitchen area is to the right (stove, small fridge, sink) and the the door to outside is on my left.

The whole place has a “nature retreat” vibe. It isn’t noisy like your traditional campground. There aren’t a lot of kids running around. It’s peaceful. There’s a short nature trail on site that leads to this beautiful spot.

It is also very close to Banning State Park. If you haven’t been to Banning, I highly recommend it. So beautiful. The day that I was there was cold and a little bit drizzly. I felt like I had the whole place to myself. The landscape is made up of huge rocks…lots of them covered by moss…and of course leaves fallen from the trees. Exploring this park solo was a bit of a test of my grit…because it was not without danger. The rocks were slippery…the trail was uncertain…I was by myself. But I was there to experience Nature…to really get out into it. I refused to allow myself to let where I was at be “good enough”. So I clambered and climbed…and slid down a few spots on my ass, just because that felt safer. At one point I could hear Jason’s voice in my head saying “Oh Babe…be careful. What are you doing?” and I muttered out loud “Shut up and help me figure out where to put my foot” and I swear I felt him tug on the back of my overalls.

And in-between the life-threatening bits…when I was just walking in the woods…I reflected. First of all, if you have never taken a completely solo hike in the woods I highly recommend it. I’ve walked in the woods before, but I’ve always had either another person with me, or the dogs, or both…and that’s awesome, but this…this was life-altering for me. There were several times when the world just “clicked” into place for me. When I slowed down, or even stopped and just really looked around me. There weren’t questions that needed answering anymore because questions just ceased to exist. There was only Truth.

And so for the three days that I was gone. I hiked…alone…but never felt lonely. I took the days at my pace. Waking up early…lying in bed in the darkness with the stars out the window right next to me. Making a cup of tea and walking down by the river. Reflecting…and writing…always writing. At the bench by the river. At a rock by the waterfall. Under a pine tree. By the fire. In my cabin. And it was perfect.

Now I’m back in the real world, but I feel like I’m holding a bit of the Truth inside me…nurturing it…and when I need to be reminded…to be refilled because the world has beaten me down…I know where to go.

Self-love is not coming easy to me today. I woke up at 2am with a stomach bug. Tried to convince myself I was fine this morning…walked into work…and then walked back out 5 minutes later when my coworkers shooed me home. It’s a good thing that I don’t get sick very often because I don’t do it well…especially now. I get sad…I get depressed. I start to feel very lonely and sorry for myself.

I came home and crawled back into bed. The dogs were more than happy to cuddle back up with me…especially since it was raining outside. I gave myself a talking to about “self-love” and taking care of myself when I’m not feeling well. Made sure I had some water to sip on. Dozed on and off. Finished the last chapter of a book I had been reading.

Not too much later Baby Girl got out of bed. When I told her I wasn’t feeling well do you know what the first thing she said to me was? “Would you like me to run to Caribou and get you some coffee since you don’t feel good?” And me, the emotional being that I am, got all teary. At first I said “no” because I wasn’t sure how my stomach was feeling about coffee…but then I changed my mind because I knew she really wanted to do something to make me feel better…and it’s COFFEE…I’m no fool.

I spent the day going back and forth from my bed to my desk. I am completely enamored with my desk these days. Everything in my desk space is very deliberately placed…plants…colorful pens…journals…books…coaster for my tea or coffee…Jason’s quilt to wrap up in. It’s my “no bullshit” space. When I sit at my desk I commit myself to the truth. To putting away whatever mask I may’ve felt like I had to wear that day.

My desk is my space for true self-expression. Every morning, I wake up…feed the dogs…pour myself a cup of self-love coffee…and sit at my desk…and write. 3 pages…every morning…no cheating. Whatever is on my mind or in my heart…or as what happens a lot…things I didn’t even know were on my mind or in my heart until the pen touched the paper. Even if you’re not a “writer” per say I would encourage you to try it…just once. Sit and write until you fill up three pages. When I first started doing this my pages would be filled up with “I don’t know what to write next”….”My hand is cramping”….”Am I done yet”. Now, most mornings, three pages fly by…and my days feel a lot more focused.

I started doing this after my therapist mentioned “The Artist’s Way” to me in one of our sessions. Me…being me…someone mentions a book to me I’m gonna go buy it that same day. I’m so glad that I did. I went from not wanting to get out of bed in the mornings and feeling scattered throughout my day–to looking forward to getting out of bed…with my self-love coffee…and feeling more focused and centered. I will say that if you decide to try it I highly recommend buying some fun pens that are easy to write with…it helps!