Levi graduated from high school today. I am so proud of him. This kid went from hating school his Freshman and Sophomore years to discovering PSEO his Junior and Senior years. The change from regular high school classes and sitting in class all day long to taking classes at the local community college was the best thing for him. He started caring about his classes. His grades went up as did his sense of responsibility. His personal growth was phenomenal. Instead of just scraping by with passing grades, he graduated Cum Laude and was accepted into the College of Science and Engineering at the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities where he will attend in the Fall. And even better, all of the community college class credits not only counted towards high school, but will count towards college as well so he can start his college career as a Junior. Smart kid. I am bursting with pride…and I know his Dad is as well.
I’m sad that his Dad couldn’t be at his graduation, as he was at Anna and Seth’s. Last week, Levi brought home his cap and gown. He tried them on and hung up his gown so it wouldn’t be wrinkled. Then I took his cap and said “Here…your Dad can hold that for you”. Even though Jason couldn’t be there, he’s in our hearts all the time and I know he is so proud of our baby too.
Levi played his last high school tennis match yesterday. Another ending with complicated emotions. First of all, shear pride. Levi has grown so much as both a young man and as a tennis player in the 6 years he played varsity. He went from reluctantly playing doubles to earning his spot in the singles ranks…where he played #1 for his Junior and Senior years. He’s gone from just wanting to pound the fuzz off of every single ball and having zero patience to having a well-developed game, with well-thought out points, and a variety of weapons in his arsenal….other than the flat forehand with minimal net clearance and a slim margin for error. Hard-work and coach Kris at Life Time were hugely instrumental in that! The past couple of years he was a captain. A role he truly shone at….organizing captain’s practices…assisting with line-ups…collecting dues…supporting his teammates.
My second big emotion is gratitude. The Eastview tennis community has been a huge part of our lives for many, many years. Jason organized the EVAA summer program…Anna, Seth, and Levi have all coached in it. Jeff, the head coach, has been a consistent male figure…especially in my boys’ lives…for years. He gave them the support, opportunity, and encouragement to grow into the fine young men they are today. He coached the boys to play with integrity, humility, and good sportsmanship.
Tennis always feels like one of my biggest links to Jason. Since he died, I have been uncertain about millions of decisions that I have had to make without his input. The ones where the answer was “Tennis” those I’m certain of. Yesterday, when I was watching Levi play his heart out I knew that Jason was right there with me…beaming with pride. Levi has a lot of the same passion for playing tennis that Jason had. Even though his high school tennis career is over, I have no doubt that he will continue playing. He is going to the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities in the Fall and is planning on playing Club Tennis there. He has already assured me that I can come watch him “anytime”. Tennis will continue to bring us together and continue to bring good people into our lives. I have zero doubt about that.
So this morning, I’m going to sit in my happy place and take a moment to say goodbye to this era. To feel all the emotions I have about it…as they all deserve to be felt…knowing that all endings, no matter how hard they are, are also the beginning of something else.
Mother’s Day morning. I’m on my way back home after spending the weekend on a solo camping trip. I was too nervous to take the camper by myself yet…so I made myself a nice bed in my Bronco and away we went. I didn’t want to let my anxiety hold me back from what I wanted to do….so I made it work!
I pulled into camp right around 6:00 on Friday evening. I was giddy to discover that I could see the lake through the trees right from my campsite.
Being near water instantly lifts my stress. It’s like a balm for my soul.
Saturday morning I was up and about early and headed out for a hike. It was glorious. I didn’t encounter a single person, but saw so many birds…many of them I couldn’t even identify. I stopped for quite awhile and watched this pair of trumpeter swans.
The rest of the day I relaxed at my campsite. I was in a quiet loop with lots of empty sites around me. I took a nap in my camp chair. Did some writing. Enjoyed a campfire. Did a lot of thinking. And picked off ticks….so many ticks.
One of the things I thought about yesterday was getting comfortable doing the things by myself that “nobody” else does alone. Like camping. I got an array of responses from people when I told them my plans. Most of them were along the lines of “that sounds (fun/brave/awesome) but I would never do that”. Truthfully, I wouldn’t have either before now. Even eating at restaurants. Right now I’m at Tobie’s eating breakfast….only one by myself. There are a lot of mixed feelings…wishing Jason were here beside me…but also feeling powerful and badass in my developing ability to give myself what I need.
Time to get back on the road to my kids! Happy Mother’s Day!
We went on our first camping adventure this past weekend. Like all adventures…there were some parts that were awesome…and some that were not so awesome….but all of it was memorable.
Friday we learned that packing up takes longer than you think it will and also that we need to be a little more efficient in what we decide to bring along. I’m sure some tweaks will be made to our packing list every trip this summer. We also learned that Anna can back a trailer with no problem…she did it on her first try. I, however, struggle mightily and have yet to do it successfully…sigh.
I was happy with the way the camper worked out. We set it up with the table in the middle area when we arrived Friday evening and played games. Then converted it to all sleeping area for the rest of the weekend. We had plenty of sleeping space.
Saturday morning we hiked in the bluffs. It was a very physically challenging hike, but so beautiful. There were so many eagles and turkey vultures to watch. Levi thought it was great fun having me watch him climb big rocks and trees…and then have me take his picture. I told him there’s a reason there are so many turkey vultures soaring around…and that he better not hurt himself during tennis season because I don’t want to explain that to his coach!
There were a couple of spots that we could get down to the water. Anna and Levi both enjoyed trying to skip rocks…a little more challenging when all the rocks are limestone. I was having flashbacks to a family trip up to the North Shore when Levi was pretty young. Jason, Anna, and Seth spent so much time skipping rocks while I had Levi in a carrier. Anna did let me get one selfie of the three of us up in a tree by the water…
This one of the just the two of them is better…
The afternoon was a little bit frustrating. We went to the ranger station to rent a canoe and go fishing. The ranger gave us paddles and life jackets and sent us on a mile-long trek to the lake where the canoes were kept. We got there only to discover that they hadn’t actually put the canoes out yet, and that the lake was way too shallow too fish from the shoreline. So we trekked back to the ranger station…got a refund for the invisible canoe…and then headed into town for coffee.
We capped our adventure off Saturday evening with a good ole’ fashioned campfire and then had the full camping experience of packing up in the rain Sunday morning…blech. Our next adventure is in two weeks! It’s at a different park…with less hiking…but more kayaking, fishing, and biking. Can’t wait!
This weekend was about nurturing…reflection…and doing things that feed my spirit. I went on long walks with friends…spent time with family…put the top down…opened my gazebo for the season…took a nap in the sunshine…had a fire, cooked, and ate outside…planned a cabin vacation. I also did the more mundane things…grocery shopped…picked up poop in the yard…cleaned the house…did laundry. And through it all my mind was busy…voices whispering in my head…remembering…processing…trying to make sense of the world, complicated relationships…wondering what it all means.
The past few weeks…maybe month…have been hard for me. I tried to ignore it at first…maybe didn’t even realize the truth myself. I pretended everything was fine. I faked it…until I was in such a deep hole I couldn’t fake it anymore….and pulling myself out seemed like an insurmountable task.
I stopped getting out of bed early and writing in the mornings…instead I was waiting until the last possible second to get up…even though I love my quiet mornings. I started having a glass or two of wine every evening…even though I had gone 5 months without drinking and felt so much better. My excitement for future plans completely vanished…even though I just bought a new camper and the kids and I have several camping weekends booked for the summer. I stopped enjoying my time by myself…only feeling happy when I was spending time with my kids.
Maybe I would have realized my steady mental decline sooner…or avoided it all together…if it also didn’t coincide with my therapist being on vacation for 3 weeks…maybe not. In any case, by the time I saw my therapist on Wednesday I had “gone quiet inside”. That might seem like a strange way to put it…but when the voices in my head go silent I know that I’m in trouble.
I kind of realized what was getting to me before I sat down on my therapist’s couch…but not the complete extent of it…until I was ugly crying 5 minutes into my appointment. This time of year reminds me of when Jason was first diagnosed…5 years ago now. Even though I have been seeing my therapist for almost a year we have never talked much about the 15 months that Jason was sick. We’ve talked about life before that…and life after he died…but those 15 months have been behind a pretty thick wall in my brain. One that I will peek over briefly…before making a hasty retreat.
My therapist tells me this is progress…that it’s actually a good thing. That this dip in my mental state is a signal that it’s time to talk about 5 years ago…time to bring that pain and those feelings to the surface. And as much as I know she’s right. That the past year has taught me to trust her and that nothing good ever comes from burying pain…I really, really don’t want to go there. But I sobbed my way through therapy…disjointed…probably jumping all over the place. Who knows if I even made sense. I left feeling like I had been hit by a truck. I stumbled my way through my day yesterday. And I decided to take a mental health day today because my therapist told me to be gentle and good to myself…so Dr’s orders right?
I am working on being good to myself…giving myself some grace. Last night I got a haircut. This morning I took care of a couple things that need to be done during the workweek…went to the DMV (anyone else procrastinate on getting a real ID?) and to pick out new eyeglasses. It felt good to cross those things off my to-do list. I took the dogs for a walk. Then I packed up my laptop and my headphones and took myself to the coffee shop. I just love sitting in the coffee shop bopping my head to music only I can hear…writing about a world only I see in my head…all while catching glimpses of the relationships playing out around me. Writer Marie is in her happy place here.
Do I feel better? A bit…but I think mostly because I don’t feel discouraged about this “slump” anymore. It sucks to feel this way, but I know that I’m doing all the right things to find my center again…and that I will find my center again. Pain will always be there…hitting me when I am least expecting it…sometimes forcing me to feel it when I don’t want to…but I’ll be okay. The voices in my head always come back…sometimes they whisper…sometimes they shout…on good days they sing.
I rearrange the furniture in our bedroom a lot. Since Jason’s died I’ve moved things around probably 10 times. It’s something that I do when I feel restless…or hopeless…or stuck…or trying to work something out in my head…or bored…or…well, you get the idea. I guess it’s my way of taking control of something…seeing things from a different perspective…finding myself…claiming my space. I have a complicated emotional relationship with our house that I’m not going to get into…but our bedroom and my gazebo outside are my two spots where I spend my time.
Wednesday night I rearranged again…not everything…just my plant/books/desk corner. Over the winter I had moved my desk so that I couldn’t see out the windows, and now, with Spring coming I decided I wanted to be able to see out again. So now I’m sitting at my desk…watching the sun shine down on the snow…in a few days it will be as if it never existed…when just a few days ago the snow controlled our lives. Funny how something loses it’s power so quickly….forgotten once it’s gone.
The kids and I have had a lot of really great things going on. The kids are all in really good spots right now. I look at them and am so proud of them. I love spending time with them and talking with them about the things that make them “tick”. I’ve been doing well. I’ve been trying new things….like curling…which was awesome fun and I think will be my new winter sport.
I bought a small camper and am looking forward to spending lots of time amongst the trees. Seth and I have a trip to Miami coming up in two weeks to watch the Miami Open. Anna, Levi, and I have a trip out West coming up in August. I’m also wanting to get out to Charlotte and Portland. For the first time in…well…5 years…I feel like I have things that I am excited about and really looking forward to.
AND….it’s the AND that has me sitting at my desk…feeling sad about ephemeral snow…listening to my “Jason” playlist…staring at pictures of us. I’m feeling more and more peace in the present…excitement for the future…AND I miss the past. It feels like those feelings shouldn’t be able to exist in tandem, but they so do….happy and sad…grief and anticipation…peace and restlessness. I feel like I’ve been told so many times that I will eventually “get over” my grief and “move on”. That’s just not how it works. It’s more like a moving with grief. Grief is a part of me now…in my core…part of my identity. It colors the way I live everyday…the way I see the world around me…and the truth is that I accept that. I think that me denying that would mean that I reject the strength of Jason’s love in my life…even now…and it’s power to live on through the kids and I. So, I’m glad that I have an AND because it means that I am looking forward to the future AND that the love story in my past lives on.
Today was one of the those rare unicorns of a perfect day. I started the day by getting up and journaling as usual. Then the dogs and I decided to take advantage of the gorgeous day and went for a 3.3 mile walk around a lake. Every step of the walk I could feel my body unwinding…my mind stopped spiraling…and my creative self became more and more engaged. It’s such a glorious feeling when the voices in my head start talking to each other. Honestly. And look how pretty Minnesota can be in winter.
When we got home I did the mundane task of making the menu for the week and putting in my grocery order to be picked up. Then I packed up my laptop and took myself on a date to the coffee shop for brunch and some quality time with my creative self.
I always thought it was a weird, not real thing that writers spend a lot of time in coffee shops. I’m telling you…there is something to it! I can sit at a table in the coffee shop with my earbuds in and be totally immersed in whatever it is I’m writing…today Alice had something to say…in a way that can be a struggle for me at home. I’m aware of all the people around me…but still locked in at the same time. I do have to have the earbuds though…otherwise I get bogged down in other people’s conversations.
The rest of my day I just felt like I was in a good place. I picked up my groceries and put them away…did some around the house chores…went back to my writing a little bit (mostly editing)…snuggled a sleepy dog…made dinner. And I just kept thinking…what is it about this day that feels so right? Why do I have a hard time having more days like this one?
And the answer that I came up with is that I prioritized myself today. I knew the two things that I wanted to do for myself today…walk around a lake and write…and I made the rest of the things that I felt I “should” do fit around those things. So simple…but also so hard for me to do. Why? Because we are not taught to put our needs first. Work before play. Peas before dessert. Sacrifice for your family. Guilt comes so swiftly and easily. Well, that’s all bullshit I think. Most weekends I get myself so wrapped up in my to-do list that I paralyze myself. I can even make a planned day away so complicated that I end up bailing on it. I need to go back to the simple…the spontaneous…stop bogging myself down in the details. Then maybe days like today won’t be such unicorns.
There are moments in life that make me especially sad that Jason isn’t here to experience them. Sometimes they are big moments…like Anna graduating from college…but sometimes they are smaller. One of those smaller moments happened this weekend…and it hit me so hard I just stood in the kitchen all teary-eyed.
Tennis. It’s a big deal in my family. Our kids all had racquets in their hands even before they could walk. Jason loved to play “driveway tennis” with the kids when they were young. Often, he wouldn’t even make it in the house from work and he would be ambushed. The net would go across the driveway and I would watch from the window as I made dinner. Once they grew out of the driveway, they would head down to the courts. The boys especially vying for their share of Dad’s attention. As their skill grew they would beg him “not to go easy”.
It was devastating for all three of them when Jason couldn’t play anymore. Seth withdrew inside himself. Levi wandered around the house saying “I just want to play tennis”. Jason felt horrible. The easy answer would have been for the boys to hit together, but I think that was too painful without their Dad there. I felt helpless to do anything to make the situation better.
Now, fast-forward four years later…our boys are finally playing tennis together. They are making court times to hit. Doing drill together on Sundays. They came home from hitting on Saturday and the three of us were standing in the kitchen. They were telling me all about it. We were talking about tournaments and pros and this person and that person. And I just got teary. I told the boys “I love it when you’re playing lots of tennis. It makes me happy”. And I just thought…this is the good stuff right here…the two of them FINALLY connecting over their shared passion…why does Jason have to miss this?
I don’t know about you, but January felt like the longest month ever for me. I don’t really know why…or why it even matters…but I have never been more ready to flip a calendar page. Maybe it was officially getting out of “Holiday Months”…maybe it was saying goodbye to the coldest month…whatever it was…bring on February I say!
In some ways, January was a month of reflection for me. I really tried to get out of my head as much as possible and do a lot of heart-listening to figure out where I am going to put my energy…what’s important to me…what’s real and worthwhile. Those things didn’t seem so hard to figure out when it was Jason and I figuring them out together. They are much harder to figure out for myself. It’s so easy to get stuck in my head…spinning in a circle…never able to make a decision at all.
Levi actually nudged me towards one of the big decisions I made. He just started his last semester of high school and is taking a Literature class. I’m constantly asking him what he’s reading…what he’s doing…so excited about this class that he is not excited about at all. Finally, he’s like “Mom you should go back to school if you’re so excited about it”. And then I paused and said “well, it would be really fun to go back to school for creative writing…” I didn’t go quite that far, but I did join an online writing community through The Loft called Lit!Commons.
When I listen to my heart it says “You’re a writer. You need to write”. That is scary for me and brings a lot of unknowns with it. Writing is very personal for me. I don’t know how to write pure fiction…all of my writing has a huge chunk of “me” in it. If you’ve read any of my pieces I’ve posted on here you know that. My writing has changed a lot through the years from coming from a space of pure grief (this is where most of my poetry I posted on here came from) to coming from a space of healing and self-discovery. That is the stuff that is hardest for me to share…and you may have noticed (or not, that’s fine) that I don’t share as much as I used to.
So…back to Lit!Commons. It’s an online format that gives the subscribers access to experts in fiction, creative non-fiction, poetry, kid lit, publishing, networking, habit building, coming up with ideas, etc. Each of the experts has a lesson and exercise every week. I can kind of pick and choose what sounds interesting and what lessons I want to do. I can also post them for feedback if I chose. It’s been kind of fun bopping around to different areas to see what resonates with me…so far it’s been fiction and creative non-fiction.
This is one of the pieces that I wrote for creative non-fiction. It’s called a Flash Portrait. The assignment was to describe someone in one, long run-on sentence. It was really fun to do actually.
The One
The One had hazel eyes that met her brown thirty years ago living in the dorm on top of the hill trudging down to go to computer science classes for him english classes for her opposites attracting like magnets until the two became one four years later walking down the aisle making promises of infinite years together and soon they had a little one made from the two a daddy’s girl followed by another one a boy with his mama’s eyes and another one boy two perfect mix of the One and her as they became five and the One continued to look at her with love in his eyes making excuses to brush up against her in the kitchen and he played with the three in the yard teaching them to hit the ball with the racquet sharing the sport that he loved and then one night the headaches started and one day the One and her sat in chairs clasped hands between them and heard the two terrible words terminal cancer and infinity was shattered fifteen months later as she held the One’s hand and counted his breaths rattling in and out of his chest until they stopped and she was left with none.
I’ve also submitted a few different things that I have written to different literary magazines…hoping to get something published someday. So, that’s what I’ve been up to. Embracing my Writer identity and figuring out what that means…and what I say to people when they ask me what that means…lol
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 