Tag: glioblastoma

Emmett ends up with a face full of burrs and needs a trip to the emergency vet to get the ones by his eye removed. They had to put him under general anesthesia and shave the area around his eye. They also put some dye in his eye to check for cornea damage. Thankfully, his eye is fine, but the drugs hit him hard. He was extremely doped up last night and is still not himself this morning.

As I was up and down with him last night…making sure he was okay as he stumbled around…I had to keep holding back my tears. Just another time when I miss Jason. Every one of life’s curveballs were easier to handle with him by my side.

And now I’m starting Christmas Eve over-tired and overly emotional. And I have lots of food prep to do today. Jason would be telling me to make a list so that he can help me. I guess I’ll make a list and try to rope in some kids.

But first…coffee

Last night I went to the Empty Chair Service for the third year. That hits me in the gut….the third Christmas already without Jason. I think the only things that makes it a little bit easier are the routines/traditions that the kids and I have worked out. At least when we’re asked what we’re doing for the Holiday we can just say “the usual”. Fondue Christmas Eve…brunch Christmas Day…as much time together playing games as we can handle.

The Empty Chair Service has become part of my routine. My time to sit….take a breath…let everything else go away… Every year is pretty much the same…but every year it feels a little different all the same…like I hear the words differently…or they hit me in a different place. This year I kept finding myself getting irritated…I’ve got to sit with that for awhile.

Yesterday morning I went to the Zoo by myself. Sitting in my house on my days off has not been good for my mental health…and I have a Zoo membership…so why not? I felt like it was me and then a whole bunch of stressed, sleep-deprived young moms with kiddos in strollers. Doesn’t seem so long ago I was one of them. I laughed out loud at this one little boy. He was probably 3. His mom was trying to keep it all together…stroller full of stuff…and he’s standing there at about 9:30am asking “When are we going to have lunch?” Levi still asks me that when we are on vacation.

And in good news….my Baby Girl is finally home from school! I get her for about 10 days and then she’s off to South Africa again!

Woke up this morning and immediately knew I had two choices…. a) spend my whole day crying in bed with the covers over my head; or b) gas up the Bronco and find some R&R (Road and River). I chose b. I put Wabasha in my GPS as the destination, but ended up stopping in Lake City instead….Lundell’s I waved at you! I walked along the shore of the river. The water looked so calm and clear covered in ice.

I sat on a bench until I started to get chilly…soaking in some Vitamin D…contemplating life and the elusiveness of happiness. The bench that I sat on was dedicated to Gary Blum “The Goose Poop Guy”…which of course brings up all sorts of questions in my mind. What a legacy to leave for the world…being known as “The Goose Poop Guy”. Does anyone still remember Gary? Or why he was known as such? Do people ask similar questions to themselves when they sit on Jason’s bench? Who was Jason? How do you even pronounce that last name? And why does he have a bench here? Or, more likely, they are too wrapped up in their own lives to notice. 

Well Gary Blum…I didn’t know you while you were living….but I thought about you today as I sat for awhile.

After my adventures by the shore of the river, my heart was calling me to stop in at Jason’s Mom and Dad’s house in Red Wing. I had a very relaxing time sipping coffee and visiting with them for a couple hours. Jason’s sister happened to be there for a little while too. Turns out that their hugs and understanding of my grief were just what I needed today.

Well, my first week at The UR is in the books! Every shift I get a little bit more comfortable and enjoy it more and more. My boss has been very appreciative of how quickly I pick things up. I have appreciated how open she is to all my questions. Not having worked in health care before there is a lot of terminology that is thrown around that I just don’t know…and she never makes me feel stupid for asking. Insurance is also very complicated…medical assistance, medicare, supplements, replacements, copays…it makes my head spin. I will do a happy dance the day that all clicks in my head.

I love interacting with the patients that come in. It is a very, very busy environment with a huge variety of patients. We check them in and we are also the ones that show them to their rooms. I am able to room patients by myself now and I really like doing that. I feel like that’s where I can let my personality shine a little bit and try to brighten someone’s day…even when they feel crappy and may have been sitting in the waiting room for awhile.

My coworkers have been really great so far. One of the newer employees is also an ex-Life Time employee. She worked at a different Club, but I think my boss got a kick out of listening to the two of us. We had a lot of the same “issues”. Another one of my coworkers also has her Masters in Library and Information Science and previously worked at Rasmussen College…although not when I was there. I’m looking forward to getting to know them all better. I’m really liking the “team atmosphere”. Not that I wasn’t part of a team at Life Time, but I was also working solo a lot.

I filled out an “All About Me” for my boss to send to everyone and post up on the wall. I went back and forth with myself about whether or not I should include that I am a widow in that information. In the end, I decided that I would rather have that information out there from the get-go than go through potentially dozens of really awkward conversations with my coworkers in the next few months. So, I included that my husband passed away in Aug, 2021 from glioblastoma…but I also said that I love to talk about him so it is okay to ask about him. I’m glad that I did that because just yesterday one of my coworkers commented on my tennis racquet tattoo and asked about the initials. I said they were my husband’s and she asked if he plays a lot of tennis. I said that he did…and then she said “oh. I’m so sorry. I read that in your All About Me and I forgot”. I could tell she felt bad and instead of making it awkward for her I just said “It’s okay” and also showed her his signature on my arm…and it felt like a good moment.

Although I feel a lot happier this week and more in control of my world I sure am missing having Jason here to talk to. I feel like I would do about anything to be out on one of our daily walks with the dogs. I’m pretty sure I could jibber jabber his ear off talking everything through.

Today I need to go grocery shopping…and then I’m planning on wrapping presents. Maybe. It is one of those tasks that I have always hated doing so much that eventually Jason just took it over from me. Now it’s become a task that I still hate doing, but it also makes me teary. Might need some wine.

SKOL Vikings!

Well, my days of being “in-between” jobs are over. I am now an official employee of The Urgency Room…got my badge and everything! Today was spent at the corporate office doing all the fun HR stuff and getting logged in to a million different software programs. The only one that is familiar to me is Outlook….so…yeah…checking my email…I can do that!

Other than getting logged into programs we talked a little bit about the different tiers of patients…emergent, urgent, appointments. Part of my job will be triaging…determining which patients need to be seen immediately because they may be having a heart attack or stroke…which need to be seen soon, but are not emergent…broken bones, lacerations, that sort of thing…and which need to make appointments for more illness-ish things…sore throat, cough, etc. The manager I was working with today asked me after we had been talking about that if I was worried or nervous about that part of the job. I honestly said, “Well, yeah. It’s kind of a big deal”. I’m glad that I am “in training” until mid January!

Tomorrow I have my first day at The Urgency Room. I am excited to meet some of my coworkers and actually see how everything works so I can wrap my head around all the information!

And look! My thanksgiving cactus is blossoming!

I have been “in-between” jobs for the past week…and it has been glorious. My last day at Life Time was last Friday. I had a couple teary moments saying goodbye to a few people, but for the most part it felt good. I don’t think I completely realized how stressed that place was making me until I walked out after my shift that day and was able to file a whole list of things in the “not my problem anymore” part of my brain. I’ve even managed to start sleeping a little better…some nights a lot better.

I spent the beginning of this week enjoying a visit from my Mom and Dad. It had been awhile since they had been here and it was nice spending some quality time with them. Of course, they also helped me with a few small projects around the house. Always appreciated. Sometimes it’s not that I can’t do things by myself, I just really miss having Jason working along side of me.

I’ve also been doing some prep for my new job. Healthcare jobs require a bit more in the way of vaccinations and testing. Influenza, Covid, Hep B, Tdap, TB testing…all that fun stuff. I also found out what my regular schedule will be like once I am done training…basically Tues, Wed, Fri and every other Sat and Sun. On Tuesday I have orientation and I’m sure I will have information overload after that. I’m excited to get started though!

Anna has been home since Tuesday. I always enjoy having my Baby Girl around. Of course, we puttered with some plants. We have also been working on puzzles and playing cribbage. Last night she helped me get out all my Christmas decorations. We decided not to put up the tree this year. It just feels like a lot to tackle and I have no idea where we would even put it.

Thanksgiving was…ok. The kids and I spent it at home. I made a turkey, stuffing, baked potatoes. Anna requested green bean casserole and cheesy potatoes. Levi requested bread pudding. As we sat down to eat dinner we all realized that none of us really like turkey…and decided that next year we are making Thai food instead…lol. We played a few games after dinner and shared some laughs. Anna, my plant-loving biology major, was keeping track of all the plant families she was eating to get extra credit on a test…and also compete with her professor. She let us know that we’re eating ovaries every time we eat fruit…and was also eating and drinking random things throughout the evening to get in more plant families…like a pinch of coconut, a cashew, tequila, etc.

I’m so thankful for those three. They keep me going and also understand that I am doing the best I can. The holidays are hard for all of us and I think we all realize that we can’t force them to be anything other than what they are. We make it a point to come together as a family and spend time…but I think we also all feel the need to spend some time apart from each other in our own headspace…and that’s okay too.

One of my favorite family photos. Thanksgiving 2018

Thank you to everyone for your overwhelming support of my upcoming career move. One thing that I have been asked several times is if I think it will be hard for me to emotionally handle the environment I’ll be working in given the many, many hours Jason and I spent in hospitals and doctors’ offices.

Well, today I got a little test. Levi was heading down the steps to go out the door for school and somehow ended up falling down about 7-8 steps. He didn’t hit his head, but he whacked his elbow. He was in enough pain that he went into shock and passed out. Luckily, he realized that he was getting light-headed and sat down before he passed out. So…we took a trip to the ER. The same ER that I had been at a few times with Jason. And it just felt…familiar. There’s a beeping that would happen every now and again that bothered me a little bit, but that was it.

And as we were sitting there for hours I started thinking about how each time Jason was at the hospital or the doctor’s office it was the people that we interacted with that made the biggest impression on me. For example, when Jason had his first seizure his brother dropped us off at Southdale. This was when Covid was at it’s peak. It was late at night and if there were visiting hours, they were way over, but the care team all recognized that it was my presence there that was keeping Jason calm and let me stay. I think it was 4am when the ICU nurse very apologetically kicked me out because his boss that was coming it at 5am would not have condoned having me there, but I was so grateful that I got to stay as long as I did.

Those experiences and the empathy that I have gained from going through them are what make this job so appealing to me. I want to use them for the good and, on a smaller scale, help other people that are going through tough times, and could benefit from a friendly, caring face.

I am absolutely positive that there are some things that will bother me. I don’t like discussions about brain injuries/tumors, MRI’s, memory loss, therapy…those kinds of things…but those should be minimal where I’m at…and I think with time I’ll get better at compartmentalizing. Right now those are definite PTSD-type triggers…and might mean an extra glass of wine after my shift.

I also got quite a few questions about what my schedule will be. I don’t have my exact schedule yet, but it is 64 hours over two weeks. It will be a mix of day shifts (7:30-3:30) and evening shifts (2:30-10:30) and every other weekend. The weeks go Mon-Sun. So Week One I will work 3 days…and Week Two I will work 5 days…and then just keep repeating. It will take some getting used to after working M-F days for so long, but I’m also looking forward to the shakeup. Honestly, not being home by myself evenings and weekends all the time sounds good.

And the prognosis on Levi’s elbow…not broken…just traumatized. He needs to rest it for several days, but it should heal fine. He also had an EKG…because he passed out…but that was all good. He’s bummed because he was supposed to play in a USTA Tourney this weekend…but better to rest it up and get it all the way healed.

Well…I did it…I’m doing it…I’m taking the leap into a new adventure. Yesterday, I put in my notice at Life Time….where I have worked for the past six years…and accepted a position at The Urgency Room. I know it is the right move as my job at Life Time has been getting more and more frustrating the past couple of years…and The Urgency Room job excites me and I think it will be a great fit…but I am really struggling with leaving the relationships I have built at Life Time. I have a really good family of coworkers and members who have been with me through a lot. They have gotten me though dark days…given me hugs when I needed them…or chocolate. I will really, really miss seeing them everyday.

It’s also really, really hard not to have Jason here to celebrate with me. I spent last night drinking wine and making chocolate chip cookies…feeling like I had all of this energy and excitement and I was sharing it with people through texts and phone calls….but none of them were him. I wanted him here to go out for a drink…and talk through things with me…how the new schedule is going to work…how we will fit this into our life. Instead I was sleepless last night…again…spinning it in my head over and over. I know he’s happy for me…and probably thinking it’s about damn time.

But…here I go…taking a risk…but hopefully for the better…into a new opportunity…cheers!

I forgot how noisy the house is in the winter. Like the cold makes its bones creak and rattle. And the mice rustle in the attic above my bedroom. Damn mice. Levi keeps setting traps for them in the garage. Their friends and family keep finding their way in.

I’m not sleeping again. Surprise!

Yesterday, was Baby Girl’s 22nd birthday. She’s at school of course so I texted with her in the morning. Sounded like she had fun plans lined up with her friends. I would love to go back to 22. I was married when I was 22. Crazy. We were such babies.

She sure gave Jason and I a wild ride…but I wouldn’t change her for anything. She might look like me, but her drive and her mind…the way she thinks…all her Dad.

I miss him so badly. Time healing everything and the pain lessening is all lies. I think grieving people just learn to hide their pain…push it away…and pretend to be “normal”. At least that’s what I do…every single day. Fake it. Fake it. Fake it. What is real anymore anyway?

I tried taking my wedding rings off tonight. I wear mine and his. I’ve gained weight…so mine is getting tight. Took some wiggling and pain to get it off. And then I panicked that someone would think I’m not married…and I forced it right back on my finger. I’m fine with it.

Life is so complicated…and I’m really sucking at it. I’m usually really good at relationships with people. Like I easily connect with people…I’m a good listener…all the good friend things. Now I feel like I can barely sustain my relationship with my dogs…and that’s just because dogs are awesome. It says nothing about me. Maybe my cup is just feeling so empty…or maybe I’m selfish and too wrapped up in myself…I don’t know. I just know I am overwhelmed and I feel like my grief is hurting other people…somehow…does that make sense…and I am hating that…but don’t know how to stop it. Everything hurts.

Beginning of November and the dark and cold are already getting to me. I didn’t do a damn thing outside to get ready for winter. Well…the boys did shut off the water to outside. I just can’t bring myself to care. Jason would be losing his mind…but…well…he isn’t here. Sorry Babe…I think I missed the “last nice weekend”.

Holidays are coming up and I just want to hit fast forward past them. I already told the kids “no tree this year”. I just can’t do it.

Well, there you have it…stream-of-random at 2am. I hope you’re sleeping well.