The past couple days have been about challenging myself…pushing past my boundaries…staring my fears straight in the face…reconnecting with a good friend…finding my inner badass…and having a hell of a good time.
You may have heard me talk a time or two…or two million…about my Bronco. She is always there for me…whatever my mood…my literal “ride or die”. Well, my friend Sheila (another proud Bronco owner) and I flew to New Hampshire to go to Bronco Off-Rodeo. It’s basically a day-long training course in how to off-road Broncos.
We learned so much…what 4A, 4H, 2L, 2H all mean and when to use them. What the front and rear differential are…and when locking them is a good idea. What the stabilizer bar is…and how it can help you turn like a boss…or do really awesome donuts in a snowy parking lot. How to shift her into M1…put the big girl pants on…go slow and in control. That sometimes all 4 wheels will not be on the ground…you’ll be at a 20 degree angle in your seat…but YOU WILL BE FINE…probably. That sometimes you will slide down a hill and the best thing to do is to put all your instincts aside and give her a little throttle. That sometimes the best views are at the end of an incredibly long and high chair lift that scares the shit out of you.
I had so many moments of shear terror. Where I was at the top of a hill so steep that I couldn’t see the ground past my hood. All I knew was that hill was covered with leaves…and underneath those leaves all sorts of hidden landmines…gravel…shifting rocks…boulders…smooth rock slabs. At that moment…the only person I could rely on was myself….so I took a breath of the fresh mountain air…gripped the steering wheel with both hands…eased my foot off the brake…and went for it.
Today I am feeling very reflective about the past couple days. It’s what I do…overanalyze every little thing. I think that for the past 4 and a half years I’ve heard so many times how strong I am…but I’ve just been doing what has been necessary. Really what anyone in my situation would do. There’s not really a choice.
Inside….I feel so very far from strong. I feel inadequate…worthless…guilty…useless…not worth the space I take up in this world. I’ve talked with my therapist about feeling like giving up…tired of trying and trying and trying…like the world would go on just fine (maybe even better) without me in it.
I feel like I’ve lost my spark…my fight…my will…my inner badass. That spark was fanned at the top of that hill in that blue Bronco….and that felt good. Does that mean that I’m going to turn into an adrenaline junkie? No…but it does make me a little curious to find out what else I might really like doing. New Hampshire’s state motto is “Live free or die”. Maybe it’s time to start working on the “live free”….free of all the negative emotion and self-talk that is constantly spinning in my head and sabotaging my life…maybe.
Music is still where I go for companionship a lot of the time. This new song by Andy Grammer has been one of my go-to’s lately. I think his “Monster” is my “Badass”.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 