I’ve restarted this blog post like three times. I want to write a post about how I’m feeling pretty good right now. I’ve managed to string a week…maybe a week and a half even…of good days together. But “feeling good” is hard to admit to myself…let alone admit it to others. It’s hard for me because it’s unfamiliar and I don’t know quite how to trust it. I used to feel almost “unfaithful” to Jason if I had a good day…like how could I have a good day without him here? I don’t feel that way anymore because I’ve realized that even when I’m having good days…and sometimes especially when I’m having good days…I miss his presence. I feel his absence. He’s still in my mind and my heart.
Good days are hard to admit to others because I often feel like there is a waiting or expectation that someday I’m going to be done with grief…done with mourning…done being sad…ready to move on. And I feel…and this could be completely untrue…that there are certain friends and family members who have not known how to “deal” with me the past 4.5 years and are just waiting for that time. For me to be “normal” again. And that is just not going to happen.
I’ve been getting more and more comfortable with…what I call…living in the AND. It’s the fact that a lot of times multiple feelings can all be true at the same time…even if they seem to contradict each other. I think I’ve probably written about it before, but the more I do it the less confusing life feels. I had a really good weekend with my kids AND I really missed my husband and wished he could have been there. I have a really awesome support network who I know are there for me whenever I need AND they will never be able to replace my husband. I really like to spend time with my extended family AND it’s hard because I feel the absence of my husband very keenly in those circumstances.
So today my thought is…I had a really good weekend! Anna had off, so I got to spend good time with her. We played a game, which she hasn’t had time to do with me in awhile. I spent a lot of time outside. Went for a long walk with a friend. Had good conversation and watched tennis with Seth. Levi checked in. I bought some flowers. AND I missed Jason.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 