Poetry

Grief Is (1/13/22)

Grief is sadness.
The kind way deep down that is always there
Even when there is a smile on my face
Or a laugh forced out.

Grief is loneliness.
No one to tell about my day
Cuddle with at night
Wake up with in the morning.

Grief is confusion.
How do I go from living the dream
To watching it slip away
Leaving me empty?

Grief is doubt.
Replaying every decision
Over and over
In my head until I’m crazy with it

Grief is anger.
Fuck this world
Where horrible people live and
My husband dies.

Grief is identity crisis.
Switching from reveling in my role as wife
To the new role of widow
“The one who just lost her husband”

Grief is loss.
Not just of my husband
But of friends and family
Who can’t or won’t support me

Grief is guilt.
Why do I get to live?
He was by far the better person
Why am I still here?

Grief is silence.
When I go for hours
Without talking
Because I am alone

Grief is sleeplessness.
When the bed is too big
My mind too busy
And sleep nowhere to be found

Grief is homelessness.
Our house doesn’t feel like home anymore.
Home was where Jason was.
Everywhere I look there he should be.

Grief is fear.
How am I ever going to manage everything-
Do the best for the kids and I?
What if I mess up?

Grief is vulnerability.
I trusted Jason with everything.
Now when I need someone
It’s hard to open up.

Grief is fragility.
Emotions so raw and powerful
I feel like I could shatter
Into a million pieces.

Grief is isolating.
When people don’t understand
And say things that make the hurt
So much worse.

Grief is lack of control.
Feeling like every decision
Has been taken away
And I am just stuck.

Grief is heavy.
A huge weight of
Responsibilty
On my shoulders.

Grief is unpredictable.
A roller coaster
Of emotion
Moment to moment.

Grief is stressful.
The muscles in my back
Tightening more
And more.

Grief is exhausting.
So tired of the struggle.
Day after day after
Day after day.