Poetry

And I Hate It (5/28/23)

I wake up in the morning
Bleary-eyed
Blood stream screaming for
Its caffeine infusion

Stand silently on my deck sipping
Staring out at the yard
Birds sing good morning from the trees
Snacking on the seed and nuts I supplied

Steam rises enticingly from my mug
I keep sipping
Willing my cells to surrender to the sun
Shake off the sleep

As I listen to the song of the sparrows
The fountain babbles unceasingly
I tell myself that I am at peace
But I hate it.

Driving home from work
Mask slips from my face
Smile fades
Slip into my garage spot

No spouse to greet me
Just dog kisses
Kids wanting supper
Pour a glass of wine

Sit in the yard
Toss the dog’s tennis ball
Douse the plants with water
As burgers sizzle on the grill

I tell myself I am relaxed
I’m strong and in control
The scene seems stress-free
But I hate it.

Evening comes
Solitary hours
Outside feels easier than in
Start a fire

Watch the flames flicker
Swat the mosquitoes
Birds fly in for a few more sees
Before they settle in silence

Night falls slowly
Stars blink into existence
Darkness blankets the yard
Sleepiness creeps in

I tell myself I love the fire
The dogs snuggled next to me
Serenity in the darkness
But I hate it

Douse the flames
Close up the house
Slip between the sheets
Dogs cuddle at my side

I tell myself today was fine
The hole didn’t feel as heavy
The hurt so sharp inside
The loneliness so constant

But the lies are laid bare
By the tears in my eyes
The emptiness in my arms
My insides churn with grief

And I hate it.