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Fear and Love

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I am an introvert. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like people…or don’t enjoy being around them. It just means that when I need to recharge…recenter…fill up my cup…I need time by myself. It also means that when I am out and about I don’t usually strike up conversations with random strangers. I will be polite…say hi…maybe a little “ope…let me get past ya” if the situation warrants it, this is MN after all…but that’s it. One of my closest friends is an extrovert. She will strike up conversation with literally anybody…a lady running a booth at the farmer’s market…a shop owner…or like yesterday afternoon, some random dude on the patio at Caribou. Granted…this time he approached us first…but where I would have been “no, I am not the person you are looking for” and done my best Jedi mind trick to get him moving on his way, my friend proceeded to carry on a conversation with random dude. The meeting of two extroverts…worst nightmare for an onlooking introvert like me, who is really just feeling resentful of random dude for butting in on her time with her friend.

And why even bring it up? Because now it’s almost 2am…I’m obviously not sleeping…and instead I’m thinking about the random Caribou conversation which happened to be about religion. Random dude thought he recognized us from Church…my friend, who has her doctorate in apologetics, said “no, but I do preach two Sundays a month at a different church”…yada yada. I tuned out until I heard my friend say something about love and fear…that according to the Bible, love is the opposite of fear. And that is what had me digging through my closet looking for my Bible…1 John 4: 18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love cast out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love”.

Love and fear as opposite sides of a spectrum has never occurred to me, but my mind is busy turning that around and around and making sense of that in my reality right now. Not that I claim that Jason and I had “perfect love”…I’m sure that the “Godly” people reading this are shouting at me that perfect love can only come from God…but we had “perfect for us” love. And in that love, I had zero fear. That love was my rock. After Jason died, fear started to take over and 4 years later continues to wreak havoc in my life. Fear tells me lies all the time…that I am unlovable…that I am worthless…that I am unworthy…that I only cause pain to those around me…on and on. And thankfully I do have more and more people in my life, like my extroverted friend, who call me on that bullshit.

Hopefully, sleep will be in the cards for me now. Probably shouldn’t have had the XL iced tea at 5pm…

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The Struggle is Real

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Ugh. I’m struggling. And I’m frustrated…and angry…and discouraged…and exhausted. A month ago I felt like I was finally getting my feet under me. Learning how to intertwine my grief into my life and live in harmony with it. I was feeling badass and independent. Filling my cup with camping trips and hikes in the woods….actually breathing without feeling like there was a weight on my chest. Starting to put some trust in a few relationships. And now my “badass” is sitting bruised on the ground and I want to curl myself into a ball and just stay there.

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And the infuriating part is that it took so little to knock me down. My therapist moved away and now I’m doubting…again…every single thing that I thought I was learning about myself. And I feel weak…and vulnerable…and fragile…and scared…all over again. Like I’m slipping backward. And those few relationships that I trust…they are there encouraging me…but in the end, I have to be the one to plant my feet and stand up.

And I will. I’ll get there. I have faith in that…even as I feel the weight of this season pressing down on me. Calendar dates full of memories that are happy…painful…confusing…devastating. I’m trying to fill the fall with events to look forward to…a week at a cabin with our kids…a trip to Portland to visit my brother and his family. Water….woods…books…love…

Write On…

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Yesterday was a very big “ending” for me. In the story of my life, it marked the culmination of a chapter that only lasted 14 months, but was extremely impactful on my life. It was my last therapy session with Tara. We spent our time together talking about our chapter. Going back to May 3, 2024 when I first sat in her office. I don’t remember a lot of what I said, but I do remember how I felt. I was done. I was depressed and felt like I had no purpose in my life anymore. I struggled to relate to people and have any kind of relationship that felt real. I felt unseen…invisible…lonely all the time. I was tired of constantly wearing a mask to appear “normal” to society and not make other people uncomfortable by my grief. By that point, I had been struggling for years. It was a struggle that began when Jason was first diagnosed in May, 2020 and then became unbearable after he died in August, 2021. She was my last hope…and I told her that…at our first meeting.

And for 14 months she has listened to my story…witnessed my pain…shared in my joys…applauded my adventures…encouraged my writing. Her eyes never strayed from my face…she never tried to change the subject…she didn’t try to fix things for me. She occasionally gave advice when I directly asked for it…but mostly, mostly she just listened. And she not only listened, but THANKED me for telling my story…for being vulnerable…for sharing my whole truth. That was…and still kinda is…crazy to me!!

That chapter is a really hard one for me to turn the page on, but I am so thankful that I am the person that I am now for the start of this new one…and whatever adventures it may bring. I was hoping to start it with another camping adventure…but stupid decisions on Tuesday led to me being laid up with huge blisters on my heels. Lucky for me I have an awesome son who doctored me up last night when it looked like infection was setting in….so they are feeling pretty good…but not “let’s put shoes on” good.

So instead I’m going to embrace a weekend at home. Spend some good time in my gazebo. Do some writing. Read some books. See some family…maybe an impromptu get together with friends. And that feels just perfect.

Tara wrote me this note yesterday. It now lives on my desk. So many words of hers will forever live with me…but I really love these…

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St. Croix State Park

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Saturday afternoon the kids and I headed to Red Wing to a Fregien Family BBQ. It was nice to see almost all of Jason’s siblings and a few other members of the family that I haven’t seen in awhile. It was a pretty short visit as everyone has lots of activities to fit into the summer weekends that never seem long enough!

From Red Wing I drove up to St. Croix State Park. I took the scenic route up the WI side of the river. It was a relaxing drive with lots of thinking time to sort out all my feels. I love getting together with Jason’s family…but it’s not without its pain points. As most things in life these days, the joy and the pain…the happy and the sad…the tears and the smiles…go hand in hand.

Camping was an adventure…like usual. St. Croix State Park is beautiful. It was an easy walk down to the river from my campsite…which I really appreciated. Nothing better than brewing a cup of coffee in the morning and then heading down to the water to sip it. I was not a huge fan of the camping there though. The sites were very open and very close together. Not ideal for this solo camper. It was also really stormy Saturday night…which freaked me out! I’m not a fan of storms when I’m in my house…let alone solo in my Bronco.

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I was tired on Sunday from the lack of sleep overnight so I didn’t hike like I usually like to. Instead I explored more of the park by Bronco…got some mud on her tires on a long, windy dirt road. I found a nice little overlook that I hung out at for a little while watching a pair of swans and their babies. They were too far away to get a great picture of them. You can just spot them in this picture.

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This morning I got up and decided to head home right away. I stopped at Tobie’s to get my kiddos some cinnamon and caramel rolls…and me some coffee. When I got home the dogs decided it was time for them to get a walk, so Anna and I took them to Whitetail Woods. There we saw a pair of swans with five babies! I was able to get a better picture of those! Anna was also excited because the berries along the trail were starting to get ripe 🙂

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And now back to work tomorrow…before another camping trip Thursday. On Wednesday, I have my last therapy session with Tara before she moves to Eureka, Montana. It will be good to have some time to sort that out in the woods.

Buffalo

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Woke up this morning with the best kinds of souvenirs from a really awesome day yesterday…sore muscles…sunburn…and “Shots” by LMFAO in my head. You’d think I had been at a college party…nope…just out for a day in Buffalo, MN with my friend Olivia.

Several weeks ago we had marked the day off on our calendars. As it got closer I asked her what she wanted to do…thinking we would plan it together. She assured me that she had it all planned out and wanted to surprise me…and I very willingly trusted her and rolled with it. I knew that we have very similar adventuring tastes and that no matter where we ended up or what we did that it would be amazing. Having my day planned out for me also was a huge treat.

We started the day at Buffalo Books and Coffee. This place was perfect. I honestly could’ve spent hours there. Indie bookstore that serves an amazing selection of lattes…plus has outdoor patio seating overlooking the lake…heaven. I would drive an hour for that any day. I also learned about the .5 setting on my phone camera. Have no idea what that does, but let’s me fit more in my pictures.

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We wandered around downtown Buffalo. Lots of cute little eclectic shops…plants and music in one store…never saw that before, but why not!? A farmer’s market where they were selling lots of yummy things that looked like they would be a major health risk if we let them sit in a hot car all day to get them home. Olivia got complimented on her shorts in the same breath she was asked if she got them at Walmart. All in all we got a sampling of the local vibe.

Then we headed to our next destination which was kayak rentals at Griffin Park. This is where the sore muscles and the sunburn come in….and a major feeling of badassery and accomplishment. We had the kayaks for 4 hours so we decided to go around the lake. It started out great. Leisurely paddle next to each other…chatting and looking at all the rather impressive lakeshore homes. Some of them I would love to just live in the boathouse! We saw a few loons…which I love! There were pelicans flying overhead…enormous birds. A blue heron was fishing in a little inlet.

And then….we hit the far side of the lake…the wind blew in…it got super choppy…I had a slight moment where I got hung up on some underwater debris…and my kayak took on quite a bit of water…my boat was riding so low in the water…my arms were burning from digging so deep with the paddle just to go anywhere. We got out of the worst of it and decided to stop on shore and dump the water out.

The whole shore is filled with houses, so no matter where we stop we are essentially on someone’s property, but we decided to pull in at this stretch of shore next to this dock where there were a few college-aged kids hanging out. So we paddle in and this one kid asks us what’s going on. We tell him we’re just stopping to dump the water out of our kayaks and then we’ll be on our way…to which he replies “Oh. I thought you had to pee” (?!) and walks away. Luckily, his buddy was brought up right and realized that his momma would’ve wanted him to help us out.

We start paddling on our way again. We’re going against the wind, so the paddling is a little tougher…but we’re on the homestretch. And then we realize dark clouds are starting to roll in…we hear some thunder…and start paddling like the dickens because we really don’t want to be caught in a storm in a kayak out on the lake. Luckily, the storm never materialized and we made it back to the park safely. As we were giving our life jackets and paddles back to the kids working the rental booth we discovered that most people don’t go around the whole lake. They just do the leisurely paddle we started out with. Did I mention that we are badass?

Next stop was Buffalo Nickel…an antique store that is in a barn. Super amusing to look through. The few things that I would’ve purchased were more than I wanted to spend on them, but Olivia was reunited with one of her favorite books from her childhood…and we got to meet some super cute doodles that were doing an awesome job of helping behind the counter.

Our artistic sides were challenged next. We went to Artistic Me and decided to make fused glass trays. Yesterday, we glued all the little bits of glass on…then we left them there to be fired (fused). Neither one of us are super artistic, so we both decided to go more abstract instead of trying to make it look like something. I think we were both feeling all right about our art until one of the women who works there…maybe she was even the owner?…walked by our table and commented that she had “no idea how THAT will look”. Apparently she didn’t get the memo that generally you should make people feel awesome about what they are attempting to create. I still think they are going to look fantastic when they are done.

By this time the coffee had long since worn off so we ended our day at Norm’s Wayside. Almost walked out of Norm’s when Norm’s political affiliations were so proudly displayed….but “Shots” was playing on the jukebox so we decided to stay. Easily demolished the best reuben I have ever had. I don’t approve of all of Norm’s choices, but his food was on point.

Buffalo, MN you were a treat. Looking forward to visiting you again.

Beginnings…and Endings

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I love to start my mornings out in my gazebo. Today is perfect for it. It’s Juneteenth so I’m off of work. The sky is clear. There’s no wind. It’s still cool enough that I popped on my fire table. The sound of water trickling in my fountain and the birds singing drown out a bit of the urban noise. The lilac tree that shelters my gazebo is blossoming. The dogs are laying peacefully by me without chasing squirrels or bunnies all crazy. If only I could train them to run in the house and refill my coffee cup for me.

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My emotions and thoughts feel deep today. I’ve been thinking a lot about beginnings and endings. How life is full of them. Hell, every day has a beginning and ending. Some beginnings are the start of something we never want to end, and the end is painful and full of grief. Sometimes we can’t wait for the end, and celebrate its arrival. Sometimes we can’t wait for something to begin and can barely stand the anticipation and its arrival is marked with celebration. Sometimes beginnings feel uncertain and are marked with anxiety and trepidation. Most beginnings and endings aren’t that dramatic…they just ebb and flow with the passing of time…unmarked…unnoticed really.

Yesterday I had my third to the last visit with my therapist. Only two more weeks with her. We talked a lot about the ending of that relationship and how I feel about it. She is the one person on this earth who I can say completely knows and sees me…that I 100% trust. The only other person that I could say that about is Jason…and he died. So, it’s hard for me to keep the loss of my relationship with Tara (my paid therapist) in perspective. It feels like so much more than the loss of a business relationship.

I also am constantly reminding myself that last May, when I first walked into Tara’s office and sobbed on her couch, was also the start of a much more important relationship that will never end…my relationship with myself. She helped facilitate that…peel back a lot of layers…heal a lot of hurt…rebuild trust in myself. That was the real purpose of her time in my life.

So Monday I have a consult with a colleague of hers that she thinks will be a good fit. I’m trying really hard to be optimistic. To feel some excitement for this new beginning. But it’s hard. I told Tara yesterday that my fear is that I won’t be able to get over my weekly therapy sessions not being the same…I’ll lose my motivation for them…and I’ll just stop going. But maybe this will be a good beginning….sometimes we just don’t know.

Feeling Sad

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I’m sitting on my deck tonight trying to process my day. My therapist told me today that she’s moving to Montana in July. Anyone who has had any sort of conversation with me can guess that I am absolutely devastated. For the past year Tara has been pivotal in my life. I met her when I was at the bottom of a deep, dark hole. She would be quick to tell you that she didn’t pull me up….that I did that all on my own…but she was the one that helped me see that I could…that I was worthy of the sunlight on my face.

And now…I feel blindsided. I’m trying to keep my Abandonment Issues at bay. But it’s hard. It feels like yet another person in my life who is leaving me…and I’m kind of pissed off about it.

But….I’m also happy for her and want her to do the best thing for herself and her family. And I trust that she will leave me in good hands with one of her colleagues. But dammit…it feels like starting over. Again. And I will miss HER.

On a positive note, I got to hang out with a great friend tonight and listen to Baby Girl and the South of the River Community Band.

Levi’s Graduation Day

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Levi graduated from high school today. I am so proud of him. This kid went from hating school his Freshman and Sophomore years to discovering PSEO his Junior and Senior years. The change from regular high school classes and sitting in class all day long to taking classes at the local community college was the best thing for him. He started caring about his classes. His grades went up as did his sense of responsibility. His personal growth was phenomenal. Instead of just scraping by with passing grades, he graduated Cum Laude and was accepted into the College of Science and Engineering at the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities where he will attend in the Fall. And even better, all of the community college class credits not only counted towards high school, but will count towards college as well so he can start his college career as a Junior. Smart kid. I am bursting with pride…and I know his Dad is as well.

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I’m sad that his Dad couldn’t be at his graduation, as he was at Anna and Seth’s. Last week, Levi brought home his cap and gown. He tried them on and hung up his gown so it wouldn’t be wrinkled. Then I took his cap and said “Here…your Dad can hold that for you”. Even though Jason couldn’t be there, he’s in our hearts all the time and I know he is so proud of our baby too.

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Thank You Eastview Tennis

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Levi played his last high school tennis match yesterday. Another ending with complicated emotions. First of all, shear pride. Levi has grown so much as both a young man and as a tennis player in the 6 years he played varsity. He went from reluctantly playing doubles to earning his spot in the singles ranks…where he played #1 for his Junior and Senior years. He’s gone from just wanting to pound the fuzz off of every single ball and having zero patience to having a well-developed game, with well-thought out points, and a variety of weapons in his arsenal….other than the flat forehand with minimal net clearance and a slim margin for error. Hard-work and coach Kris at Life Time were hugely instrumental in that! The past couple of years he was a captain. A role he truly shone at….organizing captain’s practices…assisting with line-ups…collecting dues…supporting his teammates.

My second big emotion is gratitude. The Eastview tennis community has been a huge part of our lives for many, many years. Jason organized the EVAA summer program…Anna, Seth, and Levi have all coached in it. Jeff, the head coach, has been a consistent male figure…especially in my boys’ lives…for years. He gave them the support, opportunity, and encouragement to grow into the fine young men they are today. He coached the boys to play with integrity, humility, and good sportsmanship.

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Tennis always feels like one of my biggest links to Jason. Since he died, I have been uncertain about millions of decisions that I have had to make without his input. The ones where the answer was “Tennis” those I’m certain of. Yesterday, when I was watching Levi play his heart out I knew that Jason was right there with me…beaming with pride. Levi has a lot of the same passion for playing tennis that Jason had. Even though his high school tennis career is over, I have no doubt that he will continue playing. He is going to the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities in the Fall and is planning on playing Club Tennis there. He has already assured me that I can come watch him “anytime”. Tennis will continue to bring us together and continue to bring good people into our lives. I have zero doubt about that.

So this morning, I’m going to sit in my happy place and take a moment to say goodbye to this era. To feel all the emotions I have about it…as they all deserve to be felt…knowing that all endings, no matter how hard they are, are also the beginning of something else.

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Bronco Camping

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Mother’s Day morning. I’m on my way back home after spending the weekend on a solo camping trip. I was too nervous to take the camper by myself yet…so I made myself a nice bed in my Bronco and away we went. I didn’t want to let my anxiety hold me back from what I wanted to do….so I made it work!

I pulled into camp right around 6:00 on Friday evening. I was giddy to discover that I could see the lake through the trees right from my campsite.

Being near water instantly lifts my stress. It’s like a balm for my soul.

Saturday morning I was up and about early and headed out for a hike. It was glorious. I didn’t encounter a single person, but saw so many birds…many of them I couldn’t even identify. I stopped for quite awhile and watched this pair of trumpeter swans.

The rest of the day I relaxed at my campsite. I was in a quiet loop with lots of empty sites around me. I took a nap in my camp chair. Did some writing. Enjoyed a campfire. Did a lot of thinking. And picked off ticks….so many ticks.

One of the things I thought about yesterday was getting comfortable doing the things by myself that “nobody” else does alone. Like camping. I got an array of responses from people when I told them my plans. Most of them were along the lines of “that sounds (fun/brave/awesome) but I would never do that”. Truthfully, I wouldn’t have either before now. Even eating at restaurants. Right now I’m at Tobie’s eating breakfast….only one by myself. There are a lot of mixed feelings…wishing Jason were here beside me…but also feeling powerful and badass in my developing ability to give myself what I need.

Time to get back on the road to my kids! Happy Mother’s Day!