Author: mfregien6c146e4539

I have been “in-between” jobs for the past week…and it has been glorious. My last day at Life Time was last Friday. I had a couple teary moments saying goodbye to a few people, but for the most part it felt good. I don’t think I completely realized how stressed that place was making me until I walked out after my shift that day and was able to file a whole list of things in the “not my problem anymore” part of my brain. I’ve even managed to start sleeping a little better…some nights a lot better.

I spent the beginning of this week enjoying a visit from my Mom and Dad. It had been awhile since they had been here and it was nice spending some quality time with them. Of course, they also helped me with a few small projects around the house. Always appreciated. Sometimes it’s not that I can’t do things by myself, I just really miss having Jason working along side of me.

I’ve also been doing some prep for my new job. Healthcare jobs require a bit more in the way of vaccinations and testing. Influenza, Covid, Hep B, Tdap, TB testing…all that fun stuff. I also found out what my regular schedule will be like once I am done training…basically Tues, Wed, Fri and every other Sat and Sun. On Tuesday I have orientation and I’m sure I will have information overload after that. I’m excited to get started though!

Anna has been home since Tuesday. I always enjoy having my Baby Girl around. Of course, we puttered with some plants. We have also been working on puzzles and playing cribbage. Last night she helped me get out all my Christmas decorations. We decided not to put up the tree this year. It just feels like a lot to tackle and I have no idea where we would even put it.

Thanksgiving was…ok. The kids and I spent it at home. I made a turkey, stuffing, baked potatoes. Anna requested green bean casserole and cheesy potatoes. Levi requested bread pudding. As we sat down to eat dinner we all realized that none of us really like turkey…and decided that next year we are making Thai food instead…lol. We played a few games after dinner and shared some laughs. Anna, my plant-loving biology major, was keeping track of all the plant families she was eating to get extra credit on a test…and also compete with her professor. She let us know that we’re eating ovaries every time we eat fruit…and was also eating and drinking random things throughout the evening to get in more plant families…like a pinch of coconut, a cashew, tequila, etc.

I’m so thankful for those three. They keep me going and also understand that I am doing the best I can. The holidays are hard for all of us and I think we all realize that we can’t force them to be anything other than what they are. We make it a point to come together as a family and spend time…but I think we also all feel the need to spend some time apart from each other in our own headspace…and that’s okay too.

One of my favorite family photos. Thanksgiving 2018

Thank you to everyone for your overwhelming support of my upcoming career move. One thing that I have been asked several times is if I think it will be hard for me to emotionally handle the environment I’ll be working in given the many, many hours Jason and I spent in hospitals and doctors’ offices.

Well, today I got a little test. Levi was heading down the steps to go out the door for school and somehow ended up falling down about 7-8 steps. He didn’t hit his head, but he whacked his elbow. He was in enough pain that he went into shock and passed out. Luckily, he realized that he was getting light-headed and sat down before he passed out. So…we took a trip to the ER. The same ER that I had been at a few times with Jason. And it just felt…familiar. There’s a beeping that would happen every now and again that bothered me a little bit, but that was it.

And as we were sitting there for hours I started thinking about how each time Jason was at the hospital or the doctor’s office it was the people that we interacted with that made the biggest impression on me. For example, when Jason had his first seizure his brother dropped us off at Southdale. This was when Covid was at it’s peak. It was late at night and if there were visiting hours, they were way over, but the care team all recognized that it was my presence there that was keeping Jason calm and let me stay. I think it was 4am when the ICU nurse very apologetically kicked me out because his boss that was coming it at 5am would not have condoned having me there, but I was so grateful that I got to stay as long as I did.

Those experiences and the empathy that I have gained from going through them are what make this job so appealing to me. I want to use them for the good and, on a smaller scale, help other people that are going through tough times, and could benefit from a friendly, caring face.

I am absolutely positive that there are some things that will bother me. I don’t like discussions about brain injuries/tumors, MRI’s, memory loss, therapy…those kinds of things…but those should be minimal where I’m at…and I think with time I’ll get better at compartmentalizing. Right now those are definite PTSD-type triggers…and might mean an extra glass of wine after my shift.

I also got quite a few questions about what my schedule will be. I don’t have my exact schedule yet, but it is 64 hours over two weeks. It will be a mix of day shifts (7:30-3:30) and evening shifts (2:30-10:30) and every other weekend. The weeks go Mon-Sun. So Week One I will work 3 days…and Week Two I will work 5 days…and then just keep repeating. It will take some getting used to after working M-F days for so long, but I’m also looking forward to the shakeup. Honestly, not being home by myself evenings and weekends all the time sounds good.

And the prognosis on Levi’s elbow…not broken…just traumatized. He needs to rest it for several days, but it should heal fine. He also had an EKG…because he passed out…but that was all good. He’s bummed because he was supposed to play in a USTA Tourney this weekend…but better to rest it up and get it all the way healed.

Well…I did it…I’m doing it…I’m taking the leap into a new adventure. Yesterday, I put in my notice at Life Time….where I have worked for the past six years…and accepted a position at The Urgency Room. I know it is the right move as my job at Life Time has been getting more and more frustrating the past couple of years…and The Urgency Room job excites me and I think it will be a great fit…but I am really struggling with leaving the relationships I have built at Life Time. I have a really good family of coworkers and members who have been with me through a lot. They have gotten me though dark days…given me hugs when I needed them…or chocolate. I will really, really miss seeing them everyday.

It’s also really, really hard not to have Jason here to celebrate with me. I spent last night drinking wine and making chocolate chip cookies…feeling like I had all of this energy and excitement and I was sharing it with people through texts and phone calls….but none of them were him. I wanted him here to go out for a drink…and talk through things with me…how the new schedule is going to work…how we will fit this into our life. Instead I was sleepless last night…again…spinning it in my head over and over. I know he’s happy for me…and probably thinking it’s about damn time.

But…here I go…taking a risk…but hopefully for the better…into a new opportunity…cheers!

I forgot how noisy the house is in the winter. Like the cold makes its bones creak and rattle. And the mice rustle in the attic above my bedroom. Damn mice. Levi keeps setting traps for them in the garage. Their friends and family keep finding their way in.

I’m not sleeping again. Surprise!

Yesterday, was Baby Girl’s 22nd birthday. She’s at school of course so I texted with her in the morning. Sounded like she had fun plans lined up with her friends. I would love to go back to 22. I was married when I was 22. Crazy. We were such babies.

She sure gave Jason and I a wild ride…but I wouldn’t change her for anything. She might look like me, but her drive and her mind…the way she thinks…all her Dad.

I miss him so badly. Time healing everything and the pain lessening is all lies. I think grieving people just learn to hide their pain…push it away…and pretend to be “normal”. At least that’s what I do…every single day. Fake it. Fake it. Fake it. What is real anymore anyway?

I tried taking my wedding rings off tonight. I wear mine and his. I’ve gained weight…so mine is getting tight. Took some wiggling and pain to get it off. And then I panicked that someone would think I’m not married…and I forced it right back on my finger. I’m fine with it.

Life is so complicated…and I’m really sucking at it. I’m usually really good at relationships with people. Like I easily connect with people…I’m a good listener…all the good friend things. Now I feel like I can barely sustain my relationship with my dogs…and that’s just because dogs are awesome. It says nothing about me. Maybe my cup is just feeling so empty…or maybe I’m selfish and too wrapped up in myself…I don’t know. I just know I am overwhelmed and I feel like my grief is hurting other people…somehow…does that make sense…and I am hating that…but don’t know how to stop it. Everything hurts.

Beginning of November and the dark and cold are already getting to me. I didn’t do a damn thing outside to get ready for winter. Well…the boys did shut off the water to outside. I just can’t bring myself to care. Jason would be losing his mind…but…well…he isn’t here. Sorry Babe…I think I missed the “last nice weekend”.

Holidays are coming up and I just want to hit fast forward past them. I already told the kids “no tree this year”. I just can’t do it.

Well, there you have it…stream-of-random at 2am. I hope you’re sleeping well.

Jason should have turned 46 yesterday. We should have been joking about how he caught up with me again…I’m a couple weeks older. We probably would have spent the day outside. It was so nice out. He would have made a comment or two about having to take advantage of this weather to do yard work because you never know when it might be “the last nice weekend”. There probably would have been some outside tennis. His “Annie” would be home from school and he would have loved hearing about all that she has going on.

Well, none of that happened, but I did have a good day. Baby Girl came home from school Saturday evening. We spent time putting together three plant stands…rearranging house plants…bringing a few in from outside that I’m going to try to keep alive. My kitchen and dining room are now Plantopeia. Seth asked me if I really need all those plants. I told him that they help keep me going during the winter. He understood.

The boys mowed the lawn yesterday morning while Anna and I met Jackie at the Minnesota Landscape Arboretum. It was the perfect fall day for walking around…getting a little bit “lost-ish” and chatting.

Anna and I puttered in the afternoon and then the kids and I went out to dinner. And that’s when my mood flipped from “it’s nice outside…I’m enjoying good company…I’m doing okay” to the all-too familiar “I miss my husband…life sucks…I don’t want to do this anymore”.

So today I took a “mental health day off” from work. And I’m trying my best to give myself some grace and a little self-care. Lighting candles…wrapping myself up in a sweater…writing…drinking coffee. I think I’m going to rearrange my bedroom. Put my desk by a different window for awhile. Try to change my viewpoint on life

Yesterday was my 46th birthday. Thank you to everyone who sent cards, texted, called, posted on Facebook, or even thought of me. My birthday is another one of those “emotional quagmire” kind of days. Some people don’t like their birthday, or don’t care about it much…not me…I have always LOVED my birthday. So, even though Jason was one of those “don’t care very much about my birthday” kind of guys, he knew how much I loved mine and would do whatever he could to make my day special for me. Take the day off work to hike with me…plan dinner…go out for a drink after a day filled with kids’ activities. He never failed to make me smile and feel loved and special. I still want that from him for ALL my birthdays.

I had a rough week last week leading up to my birthday…lots of teary evenings…but I did end up having a great weekend. The weather was beautiful yesterday for an exploration of Downtown Northfield. I had no idea there was such a hidden gem a mere 30 minutes away. Had a great time walking around Market Fest and then exploring the shops Downtown. Perfectly relaxing day. Then we went out to dinner in the evening. It was really, really good.

Today Seth and I went and got tattoos! He and I decided about a month and a half ago that we wanted to get matching memorial tattoos for Jason…something tennis related of course. We didn’t have a lot of luck finding anything that we really liked when we were searching for ideas, but we went into Aloha Monkey today and spoke with the artist about what we were thinking and he came back with an awesome design that Seth and I both love. We’re very happy with how they turned out. We both got them on the same spot on our right forearms.

Thank you again for all the birthday wishes!