Author: mfregien6c146e4539

I love Thursdays because they are therapy day. That sounds really strange to say, but it’s true. When I think back to the end of May….of where I was mentally and emotionally when I first started seeing my therapist…I am literally scared for my life. And I don’t ever want to feel like that again. I’m grateful to the friend who texted me the link to this therapist…twice…and nudged me hard to make an appointment.

Therapy hurts…it’s painful…it’s hard work…but my therapist has shown me time and time again that she’s never going to take me to a painful place and abandon me there. She is always right there with me and brings me back to safety…makes sure I’m on even ground before saying “good bye” for the week.

I’ve had people ask me what my therapist does or what she says or suggests about particular situations. The truth is she doesn’t suggest anything…doesn’t give any advice…or minimal advice if I specifically ask for it. Bottom line…she listens while I talk. The past couple weeks we’ve been doing this technique called “brain spotting”. You can Google it if you want to read more about it, but it’s basically finding the eye position that helps unlock feelings about a particular trauma….then talking those feelings out so completely that the trauma relinquishes it’s hold…at least that’s how it feels to me. My therapist is there to guide me…brings me around to the feelings she wants me to explore deeper…but the rest is all me and my brain doing the work. It feels pretty magical. I’m not a person that likes massages…but it’s what I imagine a good massage would feel like…but for the brain.

Today, I don’t want to think about hospice anymore…so I’m going to focus on this picture from Aug, 2020 instead 🙂

Sometimes I feel like my subconscious brain is out to sabotage me….like during the night it pulls forward all of the things that I don’t really want to think about so that “bam!” there they are waiting for me the second I open up my eyes. Not surprisingly given this time of year…this morning it was hospice days waiting for me. I don’t want to think about those days…much less talk about them…write about them…begin to process them… Those days are the ultimate knot of mixed up raw emotion…and that knot has only gotten more complicated as time has gone on. I’m not going to begin to try to unravel that by myself right now…but I am hoping that by letting my brain acknowledge it we can put it aside for a bit (until therapy tomorrow!) and live in this day.

On this day…July 31, 2024…I have a lot to look forward to. One of them being a trip to Glacier National Park in August, 2025 with Anna, Levi, and Svea. Every time I see pictures of this gorgeous landscape my heart literally skips a beat. I’m reminded of when Jason and I went to Rocky Mountain National Park in Colorado about 14ish years ago. I tried to convince Jason then that we should move to be closer to the mountains…but he nixed that idea….wanting to stay close to family…which of course I understood. There’s just something about the mountains though!

We were originally thinking we would stay in a lodge inside of the park, but after looking at the room options…two double beds is the biggest…we decided to VRBO a place instead. We’re still close to the park, but now will have a kitchen, laundry, and everyone will have their own bed! It took a lot of stress about the trip off my plate to get that booked. I know I say it all the time…but Anna’s brain is so like her Dad…she knows the things that stress me out and actually likes to do what needs to be done to take that stress away. She had so many tabs open on her browser last night it was giving me anxiety….but it was so reminiscent of her Dad.

Now to pick myself up and move in this day where one of my friends is going to teach me the art of thrifting before I go to work. Should be fun!

The kids and I just spent a really good weekend with most of my family…one of my brothers had to work. I think it was the first time that we have been together since Jason’s funeral. It was definitely the first time all of the cousins have been together since my youngest niece was born at the end of 2022. It was so nice to hang out and catch up on what everyone has been up to. Levi brought Svea to meet all the family. She seemed to fit in pretty well. Only kicker was Levi waking up with excruciating pain in his ear yesterday which required a run to urgent care and some meds. Thankfully, he was a trooper and tried to rally the best he could to have a good day.

It was awesome hearing memories of Jason being tossed around. One of my nephews has taken up tennis. My brother and I talked about how Jason helped to plant that seed when he rounded up all the kids and took them to the courts exactly 6 years ago today. 6 years ago my nephew tried to jump over the net and ended up with a skinned knee…now he can step over it without even trying. Kiddo towers over me…well over 6 ft tall. I really enjoyed being able to talk tennis with him this weekend. Jason would have loved that his love of tennis was passed on.

One of my sisters shared with me that Jason was the first one to let her drive a car. Apparently it was one of the many times she stayed at our house over the years. She said she was 14 or 15 and Jason took her to a parking lot and let her drive our gold Saturn. I had no idea!

I woke up in my tent this morning…looking up at the ceiling…thinking about how good the weekend felt…and then the wave of sad just hit. It’s hard to feel such a mix of such strong emotion. I felt like I finally found some “ease” around my family again…like I was finding my groove…feeling supported and loved…and then “wham” just like that…sad, teary, ready to go home…even though I had a really, really good weekend and nothing happened that upset me…quite the opposite. My therapist always tells me that Love and Grief go hand in hand…and quite often it will be the times I feel the most Love that the Grief will follow closely behind. She kinda knows what she’s talking about I guess!

Last time I blogged was yesterday in the very wee hours in the morning. It was easily the 2nd worse night of my life. Things had happened that completely gutted me and decimated much of what I thought was true and still constant in my life. I couldn’t stop crying…no matter what I did…the tears just kept coming…by the time my alarm went off to get up for work I just couldn’t do it. I felt physically ill…dehydrated…had a mother of a headache…and I was still crying. I called in sick to work. I knew I needed help or I wasn’t going to be able to pull myself back up. So I asked for it…and my tribe came through for me.

Today I had therapy and she didn’t have any solutions to offer, but she did help me process all my feels…and by the time I left there I felt able to just shut my brain off about it. Folks…my brain doesn’t like to shut off…so when I am able to shut that fucker up it is like such peace.

I came home and I’m sitting…eating lunch all by myself…and suddenly I had this loud blaring thought it my head…and it was this “YOU’RE GOING TO BE OK”. Might seem simple, but I have never thought that before. People have tried to convince me and I have never believed it. It was the biggest epiphany over frozen Trader Joes pork buns ever.

I still have a ways to go before I achieve “ok” and I’m sure there will still be lots of low times…tears…hopelessness…loneliness. But I’m figuring it out…connecting with people in ways that feel real and genuine. Trying new things. Making plans that go past the next day…or week…or month. Our kids are blossoming into such awesome young adults and I’m enjoying every second of that. We are pretty tight as a family unit and we talk about their Dad all the time. He is still very much present with us every single moment. The four of us are all going to be okay.

2:30 am….I’m sure you’re probably nice and all…but…I would rather be sleeping. I think there is a saying along the lines of “nothing good happens after midnight”…well I have no good thoughts after midnight.

Here’s me trying to make sense of it all so maybe my brain will shut the fuck up. In our relationship I was usually the “leap before I look” type and Jason was the “look…make a spreadsheet…then leap” type. We complimented each other well. One thing that drove him insane is that I would have zero sense of self-preservation walking across a parking lot…I would literally leap before I looked. Countless times his hand was on my elbow pulling me out of the path of a car. The funny thing is that I only was like that when he was with me. If I was by myself, or had the kids with me…you can beat your ass I was looking for cars.

I mentioned the other day that I love wearing overalls. Well, all of my overalls have a little…like loop on the back…I guess where you could hang them up or something. Well, Anna…whose brain is so like Jason’s that I am constantly astonished by it…pulled on that loop on my overalls the other day and said “what is this thing for”. And I immediately said “well, your Dad would’ve yanked on that to pull me out of traffic”. And now I have this visual in my head of Jason behind me with his finger in my overalls making sure I look both ways before I leap…not that there’s too much leaping going on these days…but I’m trying.

Around this same time that I had this conversation with Anna I was texting with one of my SIL’s and she told me about a philosophy on grief that she had heard…that it’s like a stone in your pocket…that is always there…you always feel it…it never gets smaller…but over time you get stronger and it’s easier to carry. Well, overalls have a lot of pockets and right now I feel like I’m carrying one huge stone that is the loss of Jason in one pocket…and then countless numbers of other stones of various sizes in all the other pockets…for all the other accompanying losses. It’s a good thing those overalls have shoulder straps or my pants would be around my ankles.

What do I do with all those rocks? Because right now, as I’m trying to tread water and keep my head from going under…well…rocks don’t help at all. Tonight I’m just trying desperately to feel Jason’s finger in the back loop…but shit it’s dark and lonely at now 3:15am

Seth’s 21st birthday is coming to a close and I’m thinking about how proud I am of him. He’s quiet and sensitive and has such a good heart. He often acquiesces to the stronger wills of his brother and sister…poor kid hasn’t even tried to call “shotgun” in the car in years…but he knows how to dig his heels in about the things that are really important to him. His smile has been coming more easily in the past year…and that is the best thing ever! He loves talking pro tennis with me…him and I are taking a trip to the BNP in Palm Springs next March…and loves trying new foods…especially anything Asian. He’s just a great young man.

In true Seth style he said he “didn’t care” about his birthday…but then got home early from work and sat and chatted with me while he ate dinner and drank his first legal rum and Dr. Pepper. I’m not a rum-drinker so that bottle of 5 barrel from Belize had to be dusted off a bit…lol

Do you ever get sucked into those videos on social media of reunions between members of the military and their families? Like the kid is at school doing his school stuff and then turns around and suddenly his Dad is there. I got sucked into the social media black hole of watching those tonight. I wish that would happen with Jason…sure could use him tonight. Some nights “alone” feels more lonely than others…tonight is one of those.

First things first….and to start on a lighter note…today is my Bronco’s First Birthday…I guess actually her Gotcha Day because I bought her used…but her first owner way underappreciated her and traded her in after only 5,000 miles. I guess he wanted a hardtop instead…fool. We celebrated by putting the top down…taking the dogs for a walk…and going grocery shopping.

Seth was working tonight, but Anna, Levi, and I made dinner together and then played cards. Anyone who’s every played a game with Anna knows that she is super competitive. The good news is that she is learning to laugh at herself. Man, there was a lot of laughing tonight.

Now for the heavy…because holy shit this time of year weighs on my mind a lot. This time of July, 2021 is when Jason’s neuro-oncologist referred us to hospice. She had run out of treatments that she thought would work for him and really wanted him to retain what quality of life he had left without tests, pokes, and doctor appointments. His last MRI had been a disaster and he had told me in no uncertain terms that he was “done with those fucking things”.

We had two huge things we were looking forward to…one was Jason’s brother’s wedding…the other was a trip to Cincinnati for a tennis tournament. His headaches were so bad at this point I was in constant communication with his palliative care doctor trying to find the right cocktail of drugs so he could even attend the wedding. He was incredibly unsteady on his feet…had fallen in the house twice… I was still trying to work, but my days were so filled with anxiety over how he was doing at home I knew I was going to have to stop working soon. I would get him up before I left for work….make sure he had his pills and breakfast…make him a sandwich and put it in the fridge for lunch…write the schedule for the day clearly on a whiteboard so he would know what was going on. Everyday was overwhelming anxiety and stress…all while trying to put on a brave face for the kids…smile for Jason…fake that I was holding all my shit together.

One memory that I hold onto very tightly from during this time…Jason’s short-term memory was horrible at this point…and more than once we would be laying in bed at night and he would look at me and say “I can’t remember if I told you today that I love you”. What I wouldn’t give to hear that one more time. He really was the finest gem of a man…not sure how I got so lucky that he was mine.

Hi…it’s me. Not sure you remember me….but that’s okay because I don’t remember me either. I don’t exist anymore…at least not the way I did before…not sure who I am now. I have an Emily Dickinson quote on my laptop “and I am out with lanterns, looking for myself”….and that is exactly where I’m at.

So…I haven’t written in awhile….I could give you a few reasons for that…but really it all boils down to a huge struggle with my mental health. I have been in a very dark place…scary thoughts circling in my mind…going to bed and thinking it would be just fine if I didn’t wake up in the morning. Am I okay now? No. But I finally did find a good therapist who is worth the insane amount of money I pay her to convince me I’m not a piece of worthless shit and my life has value.

So…why write now. Well…basically…a really good friend made me realize how much I missed it…and how much blogging helped me sort out my thoughts. And I also 100% believe that our society has a very fucked-up viewpoint of grief. And if my blog somehow helps shed some light on what life is really like for a grieving person….well, that would be awesome. Because it’s a very, very lonely place to be.

I do have to say here that I don’t want any of my friends or family to feel obligated to read my blog. It’s your choice. You can just not…and that’s fine with me. I don’t need any explanation.

So here are 10 things I know about me…if you need help deciding whether you want to read my blog.

1. I swear…a lot. I put that first just because I know “bad” words are coming up in this list and I want you to be prepared…lol
2. My kids are my world. They are not perfect, but they are fantastic. Yes, they all live with me. Yes, I pay for everything. No, Seth is not going to college. Yes, Anna is still working for Dick’s Sporting Goods and is not looking for any other job right now even though she has a degree in Biology. If you feel like you need to judge any part of that…well you can fuck off.
3. Nature…especially water…centers me. My therapist convinced me to lace up my hiking boots again. The dogs are happy that we’re back to daily walks around lakes and tromps in the woods looking for waterfalls. Anna, Levi, and I are starting to plan a trip to Glacier National Park for next August and I am having a whole mix of feelings about it.
4. I adore my Bronco. I bought her a year ago and have had zero regrets. Driving with the top down and my music blasting on a nice sunny day is magical to me. I don’t even need a destination…although I usually end up by the river. She helped me put a little badass and some fun back into my life.
5. Overalls are the perfect pants. One of my friends who has sported them for years turned me on to them and now they are really all I wear.
6. Doc Martens and Hey Dudes are the best footwear. I don’t remember how or why I got my first pair of Doc’s….but now I’m obsessed… I find them too hot for summer though…so hello Hey Dudes. My feet are hard to make happy…but those two brands are fantabulous.
7. Music and poetry are essential in my life….whatever mood I’m in.
8. My self-esteem and feeling of self-worth are absolute shit. Jason loved me without reservation. Yes, there were things about me that irritated him…but he took those things as part of me…and loved the whole me. As I did him. Now, with him being gone…and feeling overwhelmed with grief…relationships are tricky. Most of the time I am convinced that when people are with me it is out of a sense of pity or obligation…because I am kind of a lot…I’m sad and not that fun. One of my friends has had to straight up look me in the eye and say “Marie, I like hanging out with you” multiple times…and I am just now maybe starting to believe her.
9. I have huge trust issues because I’ve had my feelings disregarded or completely trampled on…intentionally and unintentionally…so many times over the past few years. There are maybe a handful of people that I allow past the “I’m fine” mask just out of pure self-preservation. Sometimes people fucking suck.
10. Tattoos. I love them and am thinking about a third.

So…there you have it…read…or don’t…

Jason and I got married in August, 2000. It was on our Honeymoon that I said…let’s have a baby! He asked to table that discussion until January…lol. Anna was born Nov 1, 2001…Seth July 23, 2003…and then Levi August 26, 2007.

I loved parenting with Jason. Watching our kids grow through the years was one of our biggest joys. Seeing their different personalities emerge…various interests come and go…supporting them in their endeavors…being there for them through the hard times…letting them know that we will always, always love them. I remember so many times holding Jason’s hand and sharing a secret smile with him as we watched our kids…those were the best.

And then 4 years ago…right around this time…we had to tell them that their Dad had terminal brain cancer and was going to die. And then 15 months later they watched their Dad take his last breath…and it has been the 4 of us since then…just trying to figure life out around this huge, gaping hole in our family.

Being Mom to Anna, Seth, and Levi has been the singular thing that has kept me going for the past 2.5 years. They are the reason I keep going while I struggle so badly to find where I fit in this world…when there are so very few people that see the “me” under the mask…when I feel like I’m disappearing without much hope for a better future. They are the ones who bring me joy…who “get it” when I get teary…who make sure I’m okay. And when I see glimpses of their Dad in them…that is the absolute best.

For Mother’s Dad in 2019 Jason bought me a gazebo. It wasn’t anything fancy…but I loved it…and it quickly became “my spot”. I spent many hours out there. It was just a peaceful oasis where I could shut my brain off and just “be”. The summers of 2020 and 2021 he spent time out there with me and it was also a place where we could visit with family and friends outside because of Covid. Well, pretty quickly after he died, my gazebo wore out. The roof ripped…the kids and I tried to rig up a new one…it didn’t really work. The frame got bent. And my oasis turned into a skeleton in my backyard.

Well, today we are waiting for my new gazebo to be delivered and the boys and I are going to assemble it. We are also reusing some pieces from the old one as trellis along my fence. I love how they understand how much it means to me and all come together for me. Their Dad would be so proud of them.