Author: mfregien6c146e4539

Happy 48th Birthday Jason!

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Today should be Jason’s 48th birthday. We should be spending the day together. It’s the perfect day for a Fall hike…or poking around Stillwater. We should be going to dinner tonight with the kids…any restaurant with a good Old Fashioned. After dinner we should be taking the dogs for a walk….somewhere he can catch some Pokemon.

None of that is happening. He’s forever frozen at 43 while the rest of us have the privilege of adding days to our years.

This day is the one that pulls me down hardest every year. I decided to give myself some grace and space this year and spent Sunday to today at a Cabin. I hiked in the woods. Spent hours on the deck watching the birds. Wrote. Was serenaded to sleep by a pair of Great Horned Owls calling to each other….and woke up to them wishing each other “good night”.

And I missed my husband.

I came back home this morning. I had therapy at 1:00 and decided to treat myself to chai from Caribou on the way. I was sitting in the parking lot texting my sister “Bought myself a chai to get through therapy today”. And her response “Jason would have totally bought you that chai so I’m glad you did it for you”. And she was so right. Whenever I was having a bad day Jason knew that Caribou and my hiking shoes were most likely to fix whatever ailed me.

After therapy I wandered around Barnes and Noble for awhile and then went to a park that Jason and I walked at often. I sat on a bench and thought about some of my favorite memories of Jason and times we spent together. These aren’t in any particular order.

—When I first took him camping when we were in college. We forgot the grate to cook the chicken on so we decided to drive somewhere for dinner. Except then the car wouldn’t start and we had to find the camp host to call my parents. They came with the grate to cook the chicken and then hung out at the campfire with us.

—When he surprised me by buying tickets to a Cirque du Soleil show and we went to a fancy steak place for dinner beforehand. As we were walking out of the show we ran into some friends from college and had a few drinks with them.

—When we took a trip to Belize with friends. He was so sick with pneumonia I didn’t even know if we were going to make it until we got on the plane.

—Every time he played tennis and loved it when I would bring the kids to watch. When they were young it was so hard, but he loved it so much I would bring them as often as I could. And then when the kids got older I would go watch him and we would go to Applebees with the team.

—Our evening walks

—Going to Wausau for the Fair and seeing Andy Grammer. His first and only concert. We stopped at Big Falls in Eau Claire on our way home

—The way he would tirelessly play driveway tennis with the kids

—When we took a trip to Charleston for WTT Nationals over my birthday. He sacrificed seeing the pros play to take me on a sunset dolphin cruise.

I really could go on and on. It’s so unfair and heartbreaking that we will never get to make new memories, but we did have so many great ones together. In fact, for him it was a lifetime of great memories.

I met my Sister-in-Law for Old Fashioneds after sitting in the park. I hope Jason was enjoying one with us. Cheers!

Joy

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Every week when I go to therapy my therapist gives me “homework” for the week. She started out by calling it an “intention for the week”. I hate the work “intention”. I’ve been hurt too many times by too many people who had “good intentions” and use them as an excuse for their behavior…or a pass for the hurt they have caused. Anyway…now we call it “homework”. I always liked school.

Most of the time my homework is some sort of task; however, last week my homework was a little bit different because my birthday was coming up. She just sent me off with “do things that bring you joy”. Sure. OK. Joy is a big, elusive feeling. On a good day sometimes the most I can say when I get in bed is “well, this day didn’t suck so bad”. And now this lady wants me to do “joy”.

So, I tried. I actually had a pretty good week. I downloaded a new app to help me learn how to play piano. Music is important to me and it’s something to do when it’s getting dark outside earlier and earlier. I spent some really good time with friends…hiking in the woods…poking around small town downtowns…going to breakfast…out to Happy Hour…just “being”. My kids surprised me with family time for my birthday. We went out to breakfast and then to an apple orchard. The apples were all high up in the trees, so the picking was a little challenging.

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I felt lots of love on my birthday. My coworkers brought donuts in to work and made me a “Happy Birthday” sign. Family and friends texted…called…sent messages. It was a good day. But….Joy? Is it joy?

And then I decided to do something completely out of the norm for me. I went to a very, very small Church this morning because I knew my friend, Olivia was teaching. When I told her that I was planning on coming she was excited, but did warn me that it’s a Church of “misfits and crazies”. That maybe should’ve scared me away…but somehow it attracted me instead… Like maybe this is where the other broken people are.

My friend, LoAnn came with me. We were greeted at the door with “You must be Olivia’s friends” and urged to get a cup of coffee before sitting down. People were friendly and welcoming….coming up to us to say “good morning” and shake our hands without feeling judgy or pushy. There were a few songs and then Olivia got up to do her teaching. And…of course…I’m oversimplifying a bit…but she taught about finding JOY in the present moment. Again with the “joy”.

And all day I have been thinking about that. How do I find joy in the present? My past was filled with joy. I keep thinking of things that maybe I want to do in my future…5+ years from now…that I think maybe will bring me joy. But in this present moment…joy?…nope. What I feel is stuck in a life that was not what I ever wanted. Of course, part of Olivia’s teaching was about trusting in God. Well, I have some trust issues along with my joy issues.

I guess the most I can say is “I’m working on it”

Oregon

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Over Labor Day weekend I took a trip to visit my brother and his family out in Oregon. It was my first time visiting since they moved out there 4 years ago…my first time to Oregon…my first experience of the Pacific Ocean. Definitely won’t be my last.

Oregon spoke to my soul with her towering trees hanging with moss….waterfalls plummeting down from unimaginable heights…rivers rushing by on their way down Mt. Hood…ocean waves crashing on the beach as I stood at the edge of the world looking out into the vastness. So many times all I could do was just pause and give witness to and respect for the beauty and sheer power I was surrounded by.

Making memories with my brother’s family was fantastic. I loved spending a few days with my nephews and niece and getting to know them better. Every time…which was often…I heard one of them say to my brother or SIL “I’m just asking….but when/what are we going to eat?” It just made me chuckle…as if they would ever be allowed to starve! I loved listening to Ben…who is a senior…tell me all the things about different places in Oregon and things he loves to do. He reminds me a lot of my Grandpa. Eli is more introverted…loves music…and some of the things that would come out of his mouth made me laugh so hard, just because they were unexpected. He has a smile that can light up a room…but he makes you work for it. Norah is the youngest and doesn’t let her brothers get away with anything. She is athletic and is really into Ultimate Frisbee…she has quite the throwing arm with that disc. I can’t wait to go back and spend more time with them.

And then, of course, there’s my brother and sister-in-law. I had such a hard time saying goodbye to them. Jason and I always loved spending them with them. When my brother was in college sometimes they would spend a weekend with us so Jason could help him with his programming homework. We visited them many times when they lived in Madison…or they would make the trek to the Twin Cities. One summer we vacationed together up at Rutgers. It was nice reminiscing with them about some of those memories…but also it felt right to make new ones with them.

A New Era

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August 26, 2025. Jason and I so looked forward to this day. Our 25th wedding anniversary….and the day Levi turns 18. This is the year we were going to “reclaim” our anniversary after it had taken the backseat to birthday for 18 years. Instead I moved Levi into his dorm last night and spent the day without my husband or our birthday kid.

I had therapy today and Leah…who I still think of as my new therapist…and I talked about the future quite a bit. Jason and I purposefully had our children when we were young because we wanted to be able to enjoy this “freedom” that started today when all of our children are adults. Instead of that…I just feel loneliness…a void…a lack of purpose. Lots of feeling like I’m just getting through the days…wondering how much longer I have to keep going…and why

Leah suggested that even though this day isn’t the beginning of the new era that Jason and I looked forward to, it could be the start of a different, but exciting era for me. I’m having a hard time finding and keeping hope and belief in that. The 4 year mark a few weeks ago crushed my spirit in a lot of ways.

And I’m not saying my life is miserable. I adore our children and they bring me so much joy. My relationships with family and friends keep getting better and better as I learn where to put my trust. I have good days and smile and laugh…but in my core I am so broken and always will be. Out-of-sync with the world. Never quite fitting.

Even today was an okay day. Lots of people checked up on me…which I really appreciate. I even had a surprise visit at work from my birthday kid. He brought me coffee and gave me a hug. Good thing he’s only 30 minutes away! After work I came home and cooked dinner by myself…worked on a crochet project….talked to my Mom and my Mother-in-Law…texted with friends. And I’m fine…but…

Vacation Recap

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All weekend I’ve been thinking about writing a vacation recap, but it hasn’t happened. Maybe because I was in denial that vacation is over…but now it’s Monday morning…I have to go back to work today…no more denial.

Vacation was spectacular. I don’t like to use the word “perfect”….but it was pretty damn close. It would have been even more spectacular if Seth could have been with us longer, but he could only swing a few days…and with adult kids I’m okay with just taking what I can get!

Our location was truly ideal for vacationing with the dogs. The cabin had a large gated deck across the whole back of it. We spent a lot of time out there. The gate was awesome because without it the dogs would have been in the water constantly. Playing with the dogs in the water was definitely a daily highlight. Emmett has always loved the water and remembered how to swim pretty quickly…even though it’s been about 5 years. Linc paced in the shallow water, watching his brother swim, for the first 5 days of vacation before he got brave enough to swim himself. We cheered him on when he finally took that step into the deeper water.

Levi and Anna spent a lot of afternoons fishing from the dock. I thought maybe this vacation would be the one where I wouldn’t have to put any worms on hooks….wrong. I sat on the deck with the dogs working on my jigsaw puzzle and they brought their poles up to me to be baited every single time. I earned some Savage Mom points for ripping nightcrawlers in pieces.

One morning we woke up to a pretty hefty breeze coming in off the lake. We decided it was a good day to load up in the Bronco and go exploring. We went to Amnicon Falls State Park and Pattison State Park. I loved Amnicon. It’s so gorgeous. The river is rapids and little falls one right after the other. Lots of opportunities for scampering on rocks…and wading on in for the dogs. Pattison is home to the tallest waterfall in Wisconsin…Manitou Falls. It was pretty, but Amnicon really spoke to my soul. I need to go back there and really spend some time.

And now we’re back. And it’s the last week before I have to move Levi into his dorm for the start of his first year of college. Not having him in the house will be a huge change. One that will mean more dinners alone. More evenings in an empty house. Nobody to tell me “stop being weird”. Mom Life is never easy.

Cabin Life 2025

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This is my fourth morning of waking up to the sound of birds chirping….maybe the call of the loon…or the screech of a bald eagle. I feed the dogs and make my coffee and we head out to the deck in the cool morning air.

Every morning the lake is in a different mood. One morning covered with fog and mysterious…another choppy and angry as the wind whips her into a frenzy. Today she is calm and quiet…inviting my mind and body to follow suit…take some deep breaths…and just BE.

My mind keeps wanting to flashback to our last family vacation at a cabin similar to this. It was the summer of 2020. Jason had already had one surgery and had finished his radiation. We were waiting for his next MRI to see if any of it had “showed the cancer who’s boss”. Jason’s brother and his wife were with us, because back then, the kids thought all Fregien Family Fun should include their uncle. And I was a wreck.

I put so much pressure on myself to have a perfect, possibly last, family vacation that, of course, nothing lived up to that ideal. For five years I’ve looked back on that vacation and all I’ve thought was “UGH”.

And during all my freakouts and the kids’ high emotions, Jason was his usual self. Rolling with it. Steadying me. Taking care of his family however he could. Even if that was frying bacon.

And this week, as memories of that vacation have come up with the kids, I’ve finally realized that I need to stop looking at it as a fail. They have great memories of that time…swimming with the dogs….pontoon rides….learning to play euchre with their Dad and uncle.

I’ve been talking a lot with Jason in my mind…especially this week as we’re making new family memories without him…which is always hard. For awhile, my conversations were along the lines of “I’m sorry. I suck at life without you and everything is an effed up mess”.

Recently, I’ve started giving myself the grace that Jason gave so easily to those around him and our conversations have shifted. We love watching the kids together. Their interactions with each other…their awareness of each other’s emotions…their, sometimes very subtle, support of each other. He assures me that I’ve gotten the most important things right and I know he’s proud of me for that.

Four Years

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Four years. I gave my Mother-in-Law a hug today and she commented that it never gets easier and that this is the toughest one yet. I 100% agree. The whole past week has been awful for me. It’s like the calendar flips to August and I am not okay. My emotions have been raw…lots of not sleeping…crying in the shower…trying to breathe with the weight on my chest and the knot in my throat.

I had a solo camping trip planned for the weekend. I thought it would be a good time to get away by myself. Do the whole introvert thing…refill my cup…recharge my batteries. Saturday rolled around and being alone was the last thing I wanted. Levi got out of bed about 9:30 and I was still in my pajamas…laying in bed crying. We ended up road-tripping down to Northfield together. I tortured him with the bookstore and the yarn shop…but then I bought him gadgets at the kitchen store and bought him lunch. At lunch I thanked him for spending the day with me and admitted that I was spiraling. He knew…and honestly did just want his Dad would have done to snap me out of it.

Sunday the four of us went to the zoo together. It was one of my favorite days in the past four years. I love the dynamic the four of us have developed. At one point we were walking on the trail and they were a little bit ahead of me…joking around with each other…and all I could think was “Babe, just look at our babies. They are so perfect”. They also completely get me and the things that make me tick. We were walking on the trail that goes back in the wooded area of the zoo and stopped at a bench overlooking the lake. They commented that it would be a great spot for me to go to sit and write.

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Today was rough. The kids had their own plans during the day…which was fine. I also wanted to spend some time by myself. I took the dogs for a walk this morning…then put the top down…and headed South. And stopped in Red Wing because it started raining on me. I ended up sitting in Caribou with a coffee and writing for a little bit before heading back home. I spent the afternoon crocheting and binge watching a show. Anna and Levi (Seth was working) and I met some of my in-laws for dinner.

We came home and Levi decided to reorganize my kitchen cupboards. As he was taking apart my kitchen, I was watching him and thinking about grief and different ways of expressing it. My kids are all very private about their grief. All three of them kind of just went about their days today as usual, but they show their grief by wanting to spend more time with each other. We spent a lot of time together this weekend and none of it was Forced Fregien Family Fun. We chose it and I love that. I think there is no better way to honor their Dad…and I love seeing all the pieces of him in our kids.

Fear and Love

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I am an introvert. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like people…or don’t enjoy being around them. It just means that when I need to recharge…recenter…fill up my cup…I need time by myself. It also means that when I am out and about I don’t usually strike up conversations with random strangers. I will be polite…say hi…maybe a little “ope…let me get past ya” if the situation warrants it, this is MN after all…but that’s it. One of my closest friends is an extrovert. She will strike up conversation with literally anybody…a lady running a booth at the farmer’s market…a shop owner…or like yesterday afternoon, some random dude on the patio at Caribou. Granted…this time he approached us first…but where I would have been “no, I am not the person you are looking for” and done my best Jedi mind trick to get him moving on his way, my friend proceeded to carry on a conversation with random dude. The meeting of two extroverts…worst nightmare for an onlooking introvert like me, who is really just feeling resentful of random dude for butting in on her time with her friend.

And why even bring it up? Because now it’s almost 2am…I’m obviously not sleeping…and instead I’m thinking about the random Caribou conversation which happened to be about religion. Random dude thought he recognized us from Church…my friend, who has her doctorate in apologetics, said “no, but I do preach two Sundays a month at a different church”…yada yada. I tuned out until I heard my friend say something about love and fear…that according to the Bible, love is the opposite of fear. And that is what had me digging through my closet looking for my Bible…1 John 4: 18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love cast out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love”.

Love and fear as opposite sides of a spectrum has never occurred to me, but my mind is busy turning that around and around and making sense of that in my reality right now. Not that I claim that Jason and I had “perfect love”…I’m sure that the “Godly” people reading this are shouting at me that perfect love can only come from God…but we had “perfect for us” love. And in that love, I had zero fear. That love was my rock. After Jason died, fear started to take over and 4 years later continues to wreak havoc in my life. Fear tells me lies all the time…that I am unlovable…that I am worthless…that I am unworthy…that I only cause pain to those around me…on and on. And thankfully I do have more and more people in my life, like my extroverted friend, who call me on that bullshit.

Hopefully, sleep will be in the cards for me now. Probably shouldn’t have had the XL iced tea at 5pm…

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The Struggle is Real

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Ugh. I’m struggling. And I’m frustrated…and angry…and discouraged…and exhausted. A month ago I felt like I was finally getting my feet under me. Learning how to intertwine my grief into my life and live in harmony with it. I was feeling badass and independent. Filling my cup with camping trips and hikes in the woods….actually breathing without feeling like there was a weight on my chest. Starting to put some trust in a few relationships. And now my “badass” is sitting bruised on the ground and I want to curl myself into a ball and just stay there.

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And the infuriating part is that it took so little to knock me down. My therapist moved away and now I’m doubting…again…every single thing that I thought I was learning about myself. And I feel weak…and vulnerable…and fragile…and scared…all over again. Like I’m slipping backward. And those few relationships that I trust…they are there encouraging me…but in the end, I have to be the one to plant my feet and stand up.

And I will. I’ll get there. I have faith in that…even as I feel the weight of this season pressing down on me. Calendar dates full of memories that are happy…painful…confusing…devastating. I’m trying to fill the fall with events to look forward to…a week at a cabin with our kids…a trip to Portland to visit my brother and his family. Water….woods…books…love…

Write On…

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Yesterday was a very big “ending” for me. In the story of my life, it marked the culmination of a chapter that only lasted 14 months, but was extremely impactful on my life. It was my last therapy session with Tara. We spent our time together talking about our chapter. Going back to May 3, 2024 when I first sat in her office. I don’t remember a lot of what I said, but I do remember how I felt. I was done. I was depressed and felt like I had no purpose in my life anymore. I struggled to relate to people and have any kind of relationship that felt real. I felt unseen…invisible…lonely all the time. I was tired of constantly wearing a mask to appear “normal” to society and not make other people uncomfortable by my grief. By that point, I had been struggling for years. It was a struggle that began when Jason was first diagnosed in May, 2020 and then became unbearable after he died in August, 2021. She was my last hope…and I told her that…at our first meeting.

And for 14 months she has listened to my story…witnessed my pain…shared in my joys…applauded my adventures…encouraged my writing. Her eyes never strayed from my face…she never tried to change the subject…she didn’t try to fix things for me. She occasionally gave advice when I directly asked for it…but mostly, mostly she just listened. And she not only listened, but THANKED me for telling my story…for being vulnerable…for sharing my whole truth. That was…and still kinda is…crazy to me!!

That chapter is a really hard one for me to turn the page on, but I am so thankful that I am the person that I am now for the start of this new one…and whatever adventures it may bring. I was hoping to start it with another camping adventure…but stupid decisions on Tuesday led to me being laid up with huge blisters on my heels. Lucky for me I have an awesome son who doctored me up last night when it looked like infection was setting in….so they are feeling pretty good…but not “let’s put shoes on” good.

So instead I’m going to embrace a weekend at home. Spend some good time in my gazebo. Do some writing. Read some books. See some family…maybe an impromptu get together with friends. And that feels just perfect.

Tara wrote me this note yesterday. It now lives on my desk. So many words of hers will forever live with me…but I really love these…

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