Lakeside Coffee

Three years ago today I was waking up in my bed alone for only the seventh time…and getting ready to go to Jason’s funeral.

Funerals are crazy things. I had just watched my husband die and then that afternoon off to the funeral home to plan a “party”. Jeremy and Cheryl came with me because I thought between Jason’s twin and I we should be able to figure out what Jason would want.

And then the day comes and even though I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry in a corner…I was the hostess of the worst party ever. I remember thinking to myself….when do I get to lose my shit? When do I get to breakdown? But I needed to make sure the kids were doing okay…and just keep going on to the next thing and the next thing. Holding myself together because I was afraid if I let go nobody would be there to put me back together.

As it turns out I didn’t find my safe space to completely lose my shit until just a couple months ago.

And now I’m sitting drinking my morning coffee by the lake. My sister and cousin went home yesterday, but I gave myself one more night to just “be”. I right now…in this moment…I’m ok.